Silence and Solitude

Recently I had the opportunity to go out and spend four days and three nights in the Hopkins Valley, alone. I had never done a solo, I don't consider myself a very contemplative person, and I am also an extrovert, so the thought of spending four days alone in the silent wilderness was very discomforting.

I would like to explain all of the details, but I will save them for a good face to face conversation over some tea or coffee, but all in all it was one of the most spectacular experiences I have had thus far. Initially I was very uncomfortable. I had never placed myself in such a vulnerable and revealing situation with myself and God. Like anything else, it took some getting used to. By the end of the second day I had reached a new and powerful comfortableness being alone with my creator. Until that point, sitting in the shadow of the Dasler Pinnacles, I had never been very comfortable simply "being" with God.

Time and time again, people have had massive, life changing, revelations during times of solitude. I can't say that my life took a massive turn once I got out of the bush, but I did learn a couple of amazing things. The first being, that to silence one's heart, mind and body before God takes a lot more work than I had previously thought. It was difficult and uncomfortable to reveal my heart, on such a one to one basis, with God. I wasn't scared to be alone so much as I was scared to be alone sitting face to face with my creator. God will always use silence, solitude and vulnerability to teach his disciples a thing or two.

The second thing that I learned was that the same force which is capable of splitting continents and creating mountains out of sheer granite, loves me, right now, with that same intensity and desire. The same God who made the Southern Alps, Rocky Mountains, and the Oregon Coast loves you and me with the same unwavering power. The implications of this are inconceivable. God's ability to use you and me to enact social change, and love people is huge. We are loved with a force powerful enough to create massive glaciated peaks, so why don't I act like it?

The third revelation was that I am always investing in God. I am always trying to win God's favor, which doesn't seem like a bad thing, but I don't think it is how we are supposed to live. This is from my journal that evening:

Something just dawned on me, thanks to the Ragamuffin Gospel. I am always trying to invest in God's favor. It seems like every choice I make can be boiled down to whether or not it will look good to God and his people or not. I am constantly trying to improve my eternal portfolio, Newsweek article here, serve some of my friends there. And, it is all done with the intention of building a resume. I think that this has major implication in my interactions with people as well. If they are "believers" than I quickly size them up. I compare their portfolio to mine. If theirs is less "impressive" than mine I feel as though I can help and be some sort of guidance. If my portfolio is less "impressive" than mine I look at them as a mentor, or somebody above me. If the person isn't a 'Christian' than I take a "sell but not to obvious" type of attitude. Hinting to them that they could start their own portfolios today if they wanted.

The problem with this is that it removes trust from my faith. Do I trust God enough to let him love me despite my flaws and weak resume. Nothing I can do will win any more, or any less, favor in God's eyes, so why do I always feel like everyone of my actions has consequences, be it good or bad, in the eyes of God?

Honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able enough to acknowledge this truth. Honesty brings an end to pretense through candid acknowledgement of our fragile humanity. It is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it. By rejecting my ragamuffin identity I am turning away from God, the community, and myself. I become a man obsessed with illusion and identity, a man of false power and fearful weakness, unable t think, act and love.

I suppose honesty before God takes the most fundamental risk of faith we can take. The risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our identity. To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as he is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life.

I would recommend to anyone that they should take at least some time to silence their hearts. It doesn't matter what you believe in, who, or what. Regardless, the time will not be in vein. I don't plan on isolating myself from society, but I do hope that I can take time out of my regular life, every once in a while, and listen to my creator. See what he has to say, about me and about the world I live in.

Dad's trip to New Zealand

The first week of Easter Break was speant zooming all over the South Island with my dad. He was here for ten days, and these are some pictures from his time here:

On top of the Routeburn Track
Hero Shot of Erik and the Franz Joseph Glacier
Outside of a great hostel in Greymouth
My dad "having a Bungy"

"I can't remember..."

After reading Bryce’s most recent blog I was reminded about this beautiful story which illustrates the gospel of grace perfectly:

Several years ago in a large city in the far west, rumors spread that a certain women was having visions of Jesus. The reports reached the archbishop, and he decided to check it out.
“Is it true ma’am that you have visions of Jesus?” asked the cleric.
“Yes,” the woman replied simply.
“Well the next time you have a vision, I want you to ask Jesus to tell you the sins that I confessed in my last confession.”
The woman was stunned. “Did I hear you right, bishop?” You actually want me to ask Jesus to tell me of all you sins?
“Exactly. Please call me if anything happens.”
Ten days later the women notified the bishop of a recent apparition. “Please come,” she said.
Within the hour the bishop arrived. He trusted eye to eye contact. “You just told me on the telephone that you actually had a vision of Jesus. Did you do what I asked?”
“Yes, bishop, I asked Jesus to tell me the sins that you last confessed.”
His Eyes narrowed in anticipation.
“What did Jesus say?”
She took his hand and gazed deep into his eyes. “Bishop,” she said, “these are his exact words… ‘I CAN’T REMEMBER.’”

Christianity happens when men and women accept with unwavering trust that their sins have not only been forgiven but forgotten, washed away in the blood of the Lamb. And this my friends is true freedom.

We went on a very nice walk...

If you have already read Erik's blog then you know that he and I just finished a seven day backpacking trip in some of New Zealand's most rugged country. If you haven't read his blog it can be found here. More roots than I could have ever imagined, hip deep mud, and thousands of vertical meters covered have made my knees and ankles sore. I think the boys are going to go and do another trip tomorrow, but I think I am going to go on a solo trip somewhere else.

I have never been alone in the back country, and one of my goals coming here was to do a solo trip. It is strange how contemplation and reflection don't always occur when they are most convenient. I have grown and learned so much from relationships, community and conversation, but the bible says that God also speaks to us in silence. I hope that I can find a place that is vast, beautiful, and silent.

With that said I won't have another blog for a couple of days. We are entering the last week of our three week long Easter break, and when it is over there will be many pictures, stories and ideas to follow. I miss you all very badly, and I can't wait to hear about your many adventures and experiences.

I hope...

I have had a number of friendships that have "fallen through." I have had a number of friendships that I gave up on, or stopped working at, simply because we had different moral standings. Many times I have disengaged myself with people simply because I thought that spending time with the person wouldn't be beneficial to my own faith. Today, I think I finally realized how ridiculous this all is, it took me 21 years to see how selfish a mindset like this can be. Intimate relationships are the most beautiful and heavenly things that we may experience in our lifetimes. We are capable, by the works of the Holy Spirit, to shed light on profound life altering truths for one another. The people who I engage in fellowship with have, time and time again, conveyed messages of love and grace to me, which I may have otherwise missed out on. I hope that I would be used to convey messages of hope, love and grace to people everyday. I hope that we, as a body of believers, strive to bring heaven to earth. I hope that we would be a group of people who value friendships, not just shallow friendships, but relationships that flow with conversation and messages of grace and love. I hope that we would be driven by a burning passion, and that individual passions would create purpose. I hope that our selfish desires don't wiggle their way into our already heavenly friendships. I pray that we would be a group of people who prioritize servant hood, both in a social context and within our community. Basically, I hope that by the time I reach heaven I will have had a taste of what it is going to be like, because I believe that it is possible, I believe I have already had a spoonful...and it tastes really good.

My dad arrives here in New Zealand tomorrow morning. I hope that the time we share here on the other side of the world would strengthen our relationship. Here's a picture of my dad and I snowshoeing in Colorado: