The Mission:

To get home for Christmas with car, road bike and gear.

I just drove 17 hours from Bend, Oregon to Longmont, Colorado. I didn't stop for food. I stopped for gas three times, and I stopped to pee two times. I didn't get pulled over until I was in Fort Collins, and it was because my left tire crossed into the other lane, and the CSU policeman thought I was drunk. I wasn't, I was just weary. Along the way I listened to Paolo Nutini quite a bit, he is a new favorite. During the four hundred mile drive across Wyoming, I listened to the Colbie Caillet album three times, and yes, I was singing very loudly to every song. Another favorite was the New Zealand Mix, featuring great artists as: Fat Freddies Drop, Katchafire, Mason Jennings, Marc Brusard, David Crowder and Matt Kearney. In total it took 17 hours. I got home at 3 in the morning and now it is 11, and I want to play.

I had a significant amount of time to think about life, my purpose, plans and direction. I am not going to write them on here yet, part because I don't want to spend to much time on the computer right now, but also because I want to digest them a little bit. Also, I would rather have a face to face conversation with people about my recent musings. It was a good journey, one that I will have to make in a month again in a month and a half.

I am home. Give me a call.

I bought a road bike a week ago. I drove up to Tacoma with my friend Jordan in my new car, and then bought a road bike and roof rack. I have been spending a lot of money lately, that isn't going to last much longer.

Today I took that bike on a great ride up into the hills near McMinnville. It was very cold, foggy and ominous, but it ended up being an amazing ride. Until the last couple of weeks I don't think I really appreciated where I am at in Oregon. I always thought of McMinnville as a nice base camp, not too spectacular in it's own right, but close to some beautiful areas. Now that I have been out and riding throughout Yamhill county I am beginning to appreciate its beauty more and more. Endless logging roads meander their way through dense evergreen forests, often stopping at a dead end, with nowhere to go but backwards, after twenty miles.

I have heard people describe Yamhill county and the Red Hills as an American Tuscany. Vineyards and great food tucked away in small cottage like establishments abound. Gently rolling hills continue west of this area until you reach the Oregon coast, which in itself is breathtaking. I would like to ride from here to the coast sometime soon, but I have to wait for the floods to go away.

The hills aren't fourteen thousand feet high, like the Rockies, which I am used too, but it is possible to seclude oneself in them. I experienced that today. The smell of dense mossy evergreen forests is new to me. We don't have moss in Colorado like we do here. The forests in Oregon are thick, green and seemingly impenetrable, unlike the brown dusty ponderosa pine forests that I grew up in. Sadly it took three and a half years for me to reach this realization, but I am glad that I reached it now.

I am excited for the endless opportunities I will have in the spring to explore this area and this state. But before then, I am going to be driving to Colorado, hopefully before the forty inches of new snow melts at Winter Park. I look forward to seeing the fourteen-thousand foot hills outside my window.

To my brothers,

I know this is way after the fact, but I wanted to tell Erik and Kyle thank you for driving all the way to Oregon to spend thanksgiving week with me. I had an amazing time with both of you guys. It means a lot that you would sacrifice your time off of school, drive all the way here (Kyle 17 hours and Erik 14 hours), and give up being with your families to come and step into my life here in Oregon.

Kyle, you have and continue to be one of the most faithful people I know. You told me you were going to visit everyone while they are at school, I was one of the last that you hadn't seen yet, and you made it happen. I am glad that you didn't go insane during the 1200 mile trek alone. All of my friends here in Oregon have officially fallen in love with you, and they don't stop talking about your Mexican lasagna. It was great to have you around for a random week in November, when I otherwise wouldn't be able to have my cup-o-Kyle until Christmas time. Thank you my friend.

Erik, it always amazes me how much you love and care about this community of people that we are a part of. Your willingness to come out here to Oregon to be with your brothers continues to echo in my heart. When you are around I realize how much you have become a part of my identity, it may sound strange but it is true. It was really great to spend Thanksgiving with family this year. Over the past eight years you have become more and more like a brother to me, and eating Turkey, playing football, and hanging out over Thanksgiving break makes us one step closer. Thanks.

I look forward to seeing both of you, as well as everyone else, in a week and a half. I will be driving home to Colorado this time, in my new car. I have found a couple of people off of Craigslist who are going to ride with me, and hopefully pitch for some gas money. I can't wait to celebrate this holiday season with everyone...be ready it is going to be great.

Oh the beautiful t-shirt

A group of us are heading to Juarez, Mexico this Christmas break to build a house (see post here). In order to do so we need to cover all the expenses of the trip and building costs—some $8,000—and we are working hard to get there. I’ve made 100 shirts to sell as part of the fund raising effort. They are incredibly comfortable American Apparel t’s printed with Brianne’s amazing design on them.



The shirts say ‘Dale le Mano,’ which translates to ‘lend a hand.’ Our goal really is summed up in that simple phrase. We want to lend a hand and make a difference for a family. The shirts come in the six color combinations seen above and sizes, S, M, L and XL, all men's sizes (but the ladies haven't been forgotten, I'm told men's small and medium American Apparel t's are perfect for you too). If you would like to help support our trip or buy some t-shirts please comment on my blog or write me an email at cnic17@comcast.net. They are $16 a piece, $6 of which go towards the cost of the shirt and $10 goes strait towards construction costs in Mexico. Also, if you are going on the trip and you want to help me sell some of these shirts, let me know and I can send them to you. Thank you for your prayers and support.

*I literally copy and pasted this from Erik's blog titled "Better Than Smoke Signals"

I just dropped my laptop

So, I have been working pretty hard on a number of school assignments, which will contribute to my graduating on time. They were coming along very nicely, especially the 12 page paper on selective serotonin re uptake inhibitor use and akathasia, and the semester long statistical analysis project on the demand for renewable energy as a proportion of total energy expenditures by state. As most of you know the two weeks before finals are often times much worse than actual finals week. Most in part, because the type of projects I previously described are due, but also because you are ready to stop talking about the same stuff in the same classes and go home and have fun. That is where my head is at, and will probably be at for the next two weeks.

Especially now that I dropped my laptop.

It was pretty fast. Similar to a car accident, or getting shot in the arm. You know how it is, one second your having a conversation about camping and hot springs, and the next you are standing on the side of thee highway because you got rear ended. Similarly, one moment your holding your backpack with your laptop safe and secure, and the next it falls to ground.

Now it won't turn on. I can't get the twelve page paper on SSRIs and suicidality, or the Renewable energy research project. I feel like Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller in Zoolander. You mean the files are in the computer?

I have been frantically e-mailing my professors trying to buy myself time, but it is Sunday and apparently they aren't on campus seven days a week beckoning to every student's call. Bummer.

I did buy a road bike though, so that is cool. To bad there is a hurricane hitting Oregon right now.

Portland or Bust...

I wanted to quickly explain why I haven't been blogging as of late. Two weeks ago I was completely in over my head in school work, last week I had two tests and two papers, and this week Kyle has driven eighteen hours to come and visit me for Thanksgiving week. Erik is leaving Bozeman, Montana in the midst of a blizzard to drive here today. Yes, they are amazing, I am incredibly thankful for these two guys who took it on themselves to get to Portland this Thanksgiving holiday. Just to let you know...by the time you both return to your respective institutions you will have driven for a combined total of 50 hours. Bad ass. For those of you who are not making the trek to Portland this week I miss you dearly and can't wait to see you when I get home for Christmas.

Have an amazing Thanksgiving with your loved ones.

The End of the Road

Soccer is nearly over.

Today was the last soccer practice of my life.

Tomorrow is the last home soccer game I will play at the collegiate level.

Saturday is the last time my dad will watch me play a competitive soccer game.

It has been a sixteen year road, but I am approaching the end.

I have mixed feelings about it.

I will miss it.

A letter to nobody in particular...

I am kind of struggling right now. I have been here before, different circumstances, but similar feeling of helplessness. A year and a half ago I was in a similar place. One night I sat down at my desk, and between tears wrote a letter to nobody in particular. I ended up sending it to a couple of people who eventually helped me and my frustrations. I don't really know why I feel compelled to put this on here, maybe it will wring true for someone...maybe it will help me to better understand the struggles I have been battling with lately. This was a letter of frustration to nobody in particular:

To whomever,

I am sitting at my computer right now and I am stressed out about WyldLife, I am stressed out about classes, I am stressed out about working at Lowe’s, I am stressed out about my dad coming, I am stressed out about this summer, and I am stressed out about Nikki and my relationship. I have no idea what my next move should be, it feels like I am wandering further and further into a dark labyrinth. I have no idea which way I should even point to run, or which task I should begin to work on. My grades aren’t doing very well, and the person who I talk to about things is hurting too badly to hear anything I have to say about my own worries and struggles.

My dad is coming out next weekend and I found out that he will only be here for 48 hours, which is substantially less than I had originally depended on. This is not to say that I am not excited about his arrival, but I am stressed about the fact that one of the two nights that I have to see him I will be working at Lowe’s. I will be pushing shopping carts and dealing with angry contractors rather than residing in the comfort that comes along with spending time with my father. The comfort that I crave so badly right now, the comfort of home, is thirteen hundred miles away. Home has been correlated with refuge and rest. When I go home I don’t have to worry about classes, I don’t have to worry about tests, work, girlfriends, failed friendships, housing, roommates, soccer, ministry, or anything that has previously brought me joy. I crave the comfort of my basement. I crave the tranquility that the sun brings as it dips below the Rockies. I desire to be secluded, in the middle of nowhere, miles away from any distraction. I crave alone time with just me and my creator, basking in his glory. Free from online quizzes, the sound of the Lowe’s security system going off, free from the heartache that comes with your girlfriend not wanting to be with you but rather be at home.

I feel like I have failed at more things than I can admit too. I failed my roommates, I was unable to reach the level of community and intimacy that I knew was attainable. Every time I get a test back I feel like I have failed myself, and the thousands of dollars my dad has spent on my education. I feel like there were so many potential friendships at the end of last year, and with graduation approaching many of them have ended in nothing. I was hit with the brutal realization that great fellowship takes work, prayer, and above all dedication. One must be dedicated to the point of humbleness, and I think I have failed at that as well. The feeling of failure has caused me to reach a level of numbness. I don’t find joy in loving somebody on my team, like I used to. I don’t find joy in really great worship, or fits of laughter, or a good movie on a Friday night. Joy has become a relative term; it doesn’t mean the same thing it did a year ago. Rather than joy being its own state of being, it has become the absence of another …hurting.

Never in my life have I seen or felt the pain that a person can bear. I have never embraced a person sobbing so hard that they must be carried away in an ambulance, because they just killed their best friend. I have never held the hand of somebody who has just lost one of the people that they love the most. Helplessness has become something that I can finally understand. I have been experiencing the feeling of helplessness that is found only in not being able to help the person that I care about the most. There is something that is unexplainable in loving somebody who is incapable of loving in return. I don’t even know what it is like to have a real sibling, so how am I capable of bringing any comfort to someone who has just lost one? It is simple…I cannot.

I have never experienced what it is like to be slowly or abruptly nudged from the comfortable household that I grew up in. To return home to find one’s bedroom filled with paperwork, to expect the perfect homecoming, but rather find a totaled car in the driveway and an empty house. My dad who I can safely say is someone who knows more about me than anyone else doesn’t have a clue as to my struggles anymore. The comfort in knowing that somebody else is aware of your struggles has become non-existent. In the same way, the comfort that once flowed through the book of Corinthians has simply become letters and words.

My faith has changed from an intricate relationship with the son of man, to a basis for my decision making. A relationship between me and Jesus no longer presides over everything else, but instead what the next crucial decision I have to make will result in. How can you say do not worry about tomorrow, when the things you decide today will directly change tomorrow. Do I end a potentially amazing relationship? Do I drop out of school and do nothing? Should I really tell my dad how I feel about his new lifestyle? Should I go home tomorrow? Do I really need to study for this next test? Every single thing has reproductions that I am not ready to experience. Physical repercussions, emotional repercussions, financial repercussions, and spiritual repercussions are all waiting right around the corner of every decision I make.

The point of this is not to scare whoever reads it, if anybody reads it, but rather for me to finally put into words some of the things that have impacted me the last couple of months. Somebody who I care about deeply just reminded me of the fact that it will be alright. Things will be better. Joy isn’t found in smiles and laughter, clichés and fun experiences. Joy is found in being able to say, while wandering through a maze of shit, that you trust in the one holding you safely in his hands.


Chris

Vulnerability can be incredibility difficult. Right now it seems difficult to be vulnerable with myself. The emotional tapestry that is Chris is hardly recognizable, which brings its own confusion. I hope that I can hold onto the last two sentences of that letter. I have hope.

Unbeknownst to you and me...

I haven't listened to Jonah Werner in a while, but for some reason this poem came to mind so I had to go and find out what the exact lyrics were. I can still hear goofy Jonah singing his heart out in the remote British Columbia woods conveying the gospel of love and grace to high school kids. I miss Malibu...

Unbeknownst to you and me
Beyond the place of tyranny
There lies a love that holds us
In sure and constant watch
I pass the place of future crashing
And far beyond the tongues and lashing
There lies a blaze that's burning
Never to be drenched
When people live in love beyond themselves
Hearts betray this bitter world
There's bound to be a breaking
But I can't sweat for better yet
When all I have is manifest
In who I am, who I was, and what I'm not mistaking
But this is freedom, living and loving hard
When guarantees allude and char
And I can't rest on human souls
Cause they're unpractical and bruising
There has got to be more
There has got to be something deeper out there
And I hope that you look and you find
Because if people are being restored
Where vines and branches sever more
And never have I been so crazy
Kick the doors to free me
To say that I'm alive and I'm thriving still
I've lost my feet, but I won't lose my will
You can hurt but you cannot kill the raging fires
Of a man whose been caught by human lies time after time
Who's been soaked and choked and rung by compromise
Who was once dead, but is now alive.

Power of Compound Interest

“The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest.”
~ Albert Einstein

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, sipping on my favorite Chai, and thinking about the last ten months of my life. Strange at it may be, I decided to write an e-mail to one of my dear friends that I met while in New Zealand. His name is Frank, and I have briefly blogged about him earlier this year, but for some reason I had a hankering to see how he was doing. I had some frustrations on my heart that I new he would be able to relate to, and I wanted to see how he was doing.

We ended up having a great conversation about current struggles, joys and experiences, but what was most meaningful was something that he said at the very end of the conversation. He told me that he has been thinking a lot about the aforementioned Einstein quote and its relational implications. Sure, compound interest is an incredible investment tool, capable of increasing ones wealth at a staggering rate, but what does this mean for my life as a whole?

Frank went on to explain how he has met a bunch of great people over the last couple of years in his worldwide travels, and keeping in touch with all of those people has been incredibly difficult, and at times overwhelming. As many of those who read this know, a large percentage of my closest friends are apart from one another most of the time. God has splattered us all over North America, tossing us into a variety of college, work, marital, and missionary environments. Keeping in touch over the past three years hasn't gotten easier either. Frank and I were discussing the frustrations that come with being apart from those you love and care about. There are so many times throughout the week when I want to call a close friend and see how they are doing, but I always talk myself out of it. I think to myself, "I don't have two hours to talk right now, I should probably wait until I do..." I succeed in rendering myself worthless.

Back to the quote, "The greatest force in the world is compound interest," I began to think about how I could apply this to my friendships. Basically I realized that two and half hour conversations aren't necessary to maintain, or even enhance, a relationship. All that I need to do is invest in that friendship. Simple, twenty minute conversations can yield incredible results. Trusting that God will use that precious time is a necessary component to any relationship, and I haven't been doing a very good job at that lately. I need to remember that God can and will use my meager efforts to do good.

To think that my efforts, are going to be used as a tool by my creator is pretty amazing. Even more, to think that my insufficient attempts will be made sufficient after God has his way with them is both encouraging and empowering. The same force that paints every sunset wants your and my friendship to be amazing. God wants us to experience the love and community he intended, and from my limited experience, he has helped us out when we fall short. That indeed is the greatest force I can think of.

Into the Wild

My roommate Bryan and I went to Portland and saw Into the Wild Friday night. For some reason it is only playing at one theater in all of Oregon . Bryan and I both loved the book, so we had been waiting for this movie to come out to Oregon. Needless to say, we were willing to drive into P-town to check it out.

In case any of you haven't heard about this film, it was based on a book written by Jon Krakauer. Krakauer was a famous mountaineer who retired to writing for Outside Magazine. Into the Wild was published in 1996 and was extremely successful. The book tells the true story of Christopher McCandless, a young college graduate who gave up all worldly possessions to pursue something greater. After leaving his car in the desert, burning all the cash in his pocket and donating over $20,000 to charity he took to the road. For nearly two years McCandless travels all over North America. During this time he met and made impressions on many people, which are the primary focus of both the book and the movie. Eventually McCandless (Alexander Supertramp) made it to the Alaskan Wilderness, where he ended up dying alone. Krakauer draws many parallels between the human desire for adventure and Chris McCandless' wanderings.

I first read the book my sophomore year of college after it was recommended to me by a good friend. I couldn't put it down. The words resonated within me. McCandless' desire for adventure, and the unknown was very relatable. I ended up reading it twice in a row, and quickly thereafter decided that New Zealand was the place to go. I am not going to attribute to much of my decision of going to New Zealand to Into the Wild, but it did fan an already existing flame.

Sean Penn did an amazing job with the direction of this film, it had a very rough and independent feel to it, which beautifully conveyed the feeling I got from reading the book. Emile Hirsch looked very comfortable in his role as Chris McCandless. The movie ends with an actual photograph of Chris McCandless, and Emile Hirsch even looked strikingly similar. Surprisingly, Vince Vaughn played Wayne Westerberg, the eccentric combine owner who Chris lives with for a couple of months, without overdoing it. The wide angle shots continued to impress throughout the entire film. I don't know if it is possible for a book based movie to be better than the book, but if so than this may be one of the few instances. After leaving the theater all I could think about were my travels in New Zealand. I wanted to be back, with the people I love, wandering in a state of excitement and wonder.

I know that very few people actually read this blog, but my hopes in writing this review is to promote this great book and film. Sadly, the themes presented in this film will not be seen by as many people as they should. Hopefully, this beautiful rendition of an already fantastic book will be shown at theaters across the country. If you have a chance go and see it, you won't be dissapointed.

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."

~ Chris McCandless

"If you ain't got no money, take your BROKE ass home..."

I broke my nose today, and it hurts pretty bad. My eyes are beginning to swell up and I can't breath that well. I got hit in the head with an elbow while trying to win a header. During my time laying on the bed putting ice on my face I have thought about a couple of things:

1) It is pretty impressive that I haven't actually broken my nose until now. Think about how many times in soccer you jump as high as you can and try to literally slam your head into the ball, right next to multiple other people, with elbows, and fists trying to do the very same thing.

2) After I broke it I went in to see the doctor in the training room and he actually put a pencil in my mouth, told me to take a breath, and proceeded to pop it back into place as best as he could...twice.

3) I had never ever had a bloody nose until today, no joke. Take that Collin.

4) I wonder how many X-rays a person has to get without that funny lead bib that they always give you before you actually get testicular cancer.

5) Hopefully I will be able to breath better through my nose, after it heals of course. I have always been a mouth breather, maybe this will change things, oh I can only hope.

6) Part of me hopes I get addicted to wearing the nose guard, that way I can have a trade mark...just like Richard Hamilton.

Welp, that's all I got for right now. I will probably post some pictures of my face once all the blood pools in my eye sockets, and it looks as grotesque and possible. I love you all. Keep it real.

Moral Sentiments...

I have been reading a lot of Adam Smith lately. Some, if not most probably don't know who he is, so I will tell you. Adam Smith is regarded as the grandfather of modern economics. He published two main works; the first titled The Theory of Moral Sentiments, which discusses the moral forces that restrain selfishness and bind people together in a workable society. The second, is titled Wealth of Nations, which assumed the existence of a just society and showed how the individual is guided by economic forces. I didn't think I would get much out of a classical economist's writing, but good ol' Adam Smith has proved me wrong. I may post a couple of random quotes from Adam Smith from time to time, and I just wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page. So here you go:

"The disposition to admire, and almost to worship, the rich and the powerful, and to despise, or, at least, to neglect, persons of poor and mean condition, though necessary both to establish and to maintain distinction of ranks and the order of society, is, at the same time, the great and most universal cause of the corruption of our moral sentiments..."

~ Adam Smith
Theory of Moral Sentiments

Confidence. Trust. Community.

I told all of my fellow defenders that I loved them and that I wouldn't want to play defense alongside anybody else. The way the opposing forwards responded was hilarious. First, because they probably thought we were joking around, but continued to make fun of us by calling us gay. Second, because they realized that what we had just told one another was for the most part true. And that seriously decreased their chances for having any chance to score a goal.

Initially we didn't play very well today, I think it was because none of us were very confident. After half time we had our bonding moment on the field, that I mentioned above, and we began to play with a lot more confidence. It is amazing to see how your own level of play is changed when you know that there are ten other guys on the field who have got your back. About twenty minutes into the second half "Little Guy, Travis Isaacs" scored a great goal, and that was it. To the spectators the game probably wasn't that great, but for the four dumb defenders in the back (including myself in that statement) it was a very valuable learning experience. It has been a great season so far, and we are only three games into it. I am excited to see how we perform, but even more excited to see what comes of this year relationally...because so far it has been very rewarding.

As of right now we are 3-0. We just beat the Pomona-Pitzer Gamehens, which I think is one of the worst (but impressively) original mascots I have ever heard of, just behind the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs of course. Aaron, you are one of the most insightful people I have ever met, but I have to say that the majority of the guys on the Pomona team did a very poor job at displaying the intelligence that most have paid a lot of money to acquire. We play again on Sunday, until then we are going to spend a lot of time in our hotel in Tacoma.

I suppose the lesson of the day is that confidence, trust, and community is a pretty powerful combination. With that said, I love you guys, and I got your back.

Flip Flop...

Soccer practice in fifty-four minutes.

We had an amazing weekend on the pitch. We beat a top ten ranked team at home under the lights Friday night. I had never played soccer in front of that many people before, some said that there was over five hundred Linfield fans there. All I know is that my throat went hoarse trying to yell over the awesome chants, and heckling fans.

Time management has become necessary again, for the first time in nearly ten months.

My classes are crazy this semester. I am taking two senior seminar classes, one mathematics based Economics class, and Drugs and Behavior, which is a pharmacology class involving rats...mine happens to be names Archimedes.

I want to keep blogging a priority, but it will be difficult.

I miss a lot of people, and look forward to sporadic conversations over the phone. It will be exciting to see the ways that all of us respond to graduating, moving away from home, marriage, new jobs, etc. We will always be experiencing change in our lives, but it seems like the next twelve months may yield the highest levels of combined change yet.

I have loved spending time in fellowship with the guys from my team, they are all awesome.

I have been reflecting on the summer a lot lately and it scares me to think that it may have been the last "Colorado Summer." I don't know if I will be here in Oregon after I graduate, but I know that I won't be living in my house, with my parents, in Longmont, during the the summer ever again.

Soccer practice in thirty-two minutes, I have to go.

The beginning of the last round

Here I am, sitting at my desk slouching out of tiredness, trying to convey what I am feeling. In about four hours I will be done with daily doubles, for what most likely will be the rest of my life. This year's preseason has proven to be tougher than those in the past, and having a new coach has forced everyone into a new gear. We have been running longer, faster and for more consecutive days than I would ever voluntarily do again.

Preseason is one thing that has always brought a sick feeling to my stomach. It doesn't matter how much or how little I train before hand, I always dread the day preseason starts. I know that it is going to be two weeks of hell. I know that I will have to run the timed two-mile, sub sixties, and manchesters before playing soccer for two hours. In the same way, I know that I will stumble while getting into bed, and struggle to eat anything solid, simply because I am so exhausted. My body has been on the brink of breaking down for a couple of days, but after this afternoon it will have a full 24 hours of rest.

I have always had "next season" to look forward to. If we failed to win the conference championship, then we always had next year. Or, if I failed to build a relationship with someone on the team I always was able to validate it by thinking about next season. Well, the bittersweet reality has begun to set in. There won't be anymore collegiate soccer for me next year. I won't have another season once the final whistle blows to accomplish what I intended. This is the last go at it, the last first game of the season is a week away, and the last daily double practice is coming soon as well.

The truth is, there will be a lot of "last time I (fill in the blank)" for many who read this blog. For some it may be the last time we get to watch funny freshman wander around campus, or for others it may be the last time we take a ridiculously hard class for our major, and others still may be rejoicing in the fact that this could be the last time all of their friends leave the state for college. Either way, I am excited for our last round. I am ready to work my tail off this season. I am stoked to build some solid life long relationships with the guys on my team, and I am ready to learn a lot about econometrics.

Whenever I see something coming to an end, I begin to appreciate it much more. These last couple of days have been met with some sadness over the fact that I won't have another week of daily doubles to complain about, or for that matter dread. I have reflected on the time that I have spent with many of the guys on the team, and to be honest, I wouldn't pick anyone other than the guys I have been blessed with to sweat, bleed and complain about being sore alongside. The guys who I have run next to, recieved passes from, and dogpiled onto for the past three years are the reason I come back. They have and will continue to be the fire that keeps me going day in and day out. I am sad that we are beginning the last leg of our journey together, but at the same I am excited because that is just what it is...the beginning.

Alright, that is all I can muster right now, an ice pack and my bed are both calling. Oh yeah, I have a mohawk too. I figured I should probably make a few memories and start my senior year with a three inch long hawk. I wish you all the best as you begin your last rounds. I hope to hear from many of you very soon.

Geography of Wonder

It is late, and I have to wake up early tomorrow. I am going on a backpacking trip with my dad for a couple of days. We decided to go to Red Deer lake, which is seven miles outside of Camp Dick. I am excited to be back out in the woods, to see the sunset from a high peak, and to stumble over a camp stove while trying to make pasta. Life has and will continue to become more and more complex. With every new day comes more and more things that I must consider: should I be training for soccer? Do I want to do an internship during spring semester? I am poor and need some money to live. What am I going to so with my life post-graduation?

Being in the wilderness allows us to breath. It allows us to simply be. Wilderness doesn't have to be the Rocky Mountains or the Southern Alps, it is different for everyone. Some people find the peace that I receive from the mountains, in yoga, others in running, or maybe the local coffee shop. Either way, I am craving it right now. All I have to worry about is surviving. I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need shelter, and sometime I need to sleep. That is all. Somewhere between the trail head and the given destination, life is boiled down to its simplest form. My father would say, some mental real estate temporarily opens up. I can wonder. I can more easily reflect on what my creator has done for me. For some reason, my heart enters a state of worship and awe that isn't attainable in a sanctuary or meeting hall.

I am a little disappointed that we are only going to be able to be out there for a couple of days, but that it the way life is. I am thankful that I have this opportunity to spend time with my dad like this. We haven't been alone on a backpacking trip for a while, so I am anxious to see how it turns out.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
- Henry David Thoreau

Since being back in Colorado I haven't really thought about New Zealand as much as I would have liked. I have spent a significant amount of time sitting and reflecting, but I never seem to think about my coming home from a distant country, that I lived in for five months. Many people have asked me what I learned, how I have changed, or what I will do with my experiences. And, every time I respond with some sort of constructed answer, mainly so that the conversation will continue, hopefully shedding actual light on my experiences. The truth of the matter is that I have no idea what I learned, I am not sure how I have changed, and my future is just as unknown as before I left.

I began to re-read parts of my journal that I kept while in New Zealand, and I stumbled across a section that I wrote just before coming home. Erik and I were great friends prior to going, but spending nearly every minute of five months together proved to be both testing and incredibly rewarding. For all intensive purposes Erik and I were married, aside from the whole romantic, intimate, sex stuff. We shared our money, a car, the apartment, and nearly all decisions...basically everything. With that in mind:

"I am sitting in the Brasilia Coffee shop, for what could be the last time. Everyone flew in yesterday. Today they all went to hike up Avalanche peak and I opted to stay here for a much needed 'chill out day.' I have begun to read Jill Fredston's 'Rowing to Latitude.' It is about a husband and wife's kayak journey through the Arctic circle. She constantly uses rowing metaphors to explain aspects of her life and experiences.

She mentions that whenever she goes on a trip with her husband she has to take on 'expedition behavior.' Jill describes expedition behavior as: 'It involves a conscious commitment to get along despite physical exigencies and personal idiosyncrasies. How much you disagree with a person at times becomes irrelevant. It is your responsibility to be amicable and to work to diminish your own offensive habits, even if you are convinced you don't have any.'

It is interesting to read this and try to think about all that I have learned since arriving here. For the first time in my life I have experienced what it is like to be around somebody the vast majority of the time, and how to behave to preserve both experiences and friendships. Erik and I have spent more time together than ever before, and maybe ever again. This testing and exciting stage in our friendship is coming to a close. Many have thought, including myself at times, that there would be arguments, resentments, and turmoil. But, there hasn't. I appreciate Erik for asking me straight out if I am being bothered by him, and I appreciate his willingness to diminish his own offensive habits for the sake of our expedition. There have been times when an argument was likely, but it never happened.

Right now I am sitting in Christchurch while Erik is taking his family and friends out on an incredible adventure. This time to reflect on his and my friendship was unanticipated, but like any other this "chill out session," as it has become known, has proved very rewarding. It has been incredible to have such a great friend and brother to go on this journey with. The lessons that we have both learned these past five months are sure to be priceless. We have both matured in ways that are to complex to understand right now, but are sure to be valuable well into the future. Thanks for blessing us with the grace to forgive, and the drive to understand one another. "

Thank you Erik for overlooking my inadequacies. Thanks for saying what was on your mind when I wasn't willing to share what was on mine. Thanks for making it a point to excuse my idiosyncrasies and selfishness. Thank you Erik for what was and will continue to be a great expedition.

Home again home again jiggity jig...

I arrived back in colorful Colorado exactly a week ago today, and there has been a whirlwind of events since my arrival. Two of my dear friends, Bryce and Kate, got married last Saturday and they are now on their honeymoon in Mexico. Erik and I were members of the wedding party among other great friends of mine. During the three days leading up to the wedding we had some awesome time with Bryce and the fellas.

I realized that the love and affection Bryce has for Kate, and vice versus, is just another beautiful testament to God's glory. In the same way I stare in awe at sunsets or huge mountains, I found myself staring in amazement at the way God has created these two people to perfectly accentuate the other. It was incredible to reflect on the years I have known Bryce, and see how beautifully Kate has impacted his life. Basically, this past week I found myself in a state wonder. Wondering how, and why, we are all so blessed.

I don't have to pay to put pictures on the Internet anymore so I am posting a few pictures from the last couple of weeks I was in New Zealand. The majority of them are from the West Matukituki Valley near Mount Aspiring. I have not had the time to digest my experiences coming home, as a matter of fact I haven't even unpacked all my bags, but as soon as I have more thoughts I will be sure to post.

I'm coming home...

I am in the Auckland airport right now, after leaving Christchurch at 7:00 this morning. Yesterday I took two finals, packed my flat up, and had to say goodbye to the people I have come to love very dearly. To be honest, I don't really know what I am feeling right now. I am not going to try and figure out what I am feeling, first because I am to tired, and second because it would be artificial.

I know that I am currently leaving one of the many stepping stones that will eventually lead to something. I think I have always known that studying abroad was just one of those steps towards an unknown destination, and because of that I am not to disappointed that it is over. Sure I will miss this beautiful country, but God' s glory isn't restricted to one island in the South Pacific. I m excited to see who is waiting for me on the next stepping stone, what experiences I will have, what I will learn, and how the past experiences will affect my future.

That is all I am going to say right now...I am really tired, and I am awful at sleeping in any place other than a bed. I hope to better understand what is going on in my head and heart soon, and when I figure it out I will probably let you know.

See you all very very soon.

Reality is becoming real...

I am sitting in an Internet cafe in Queenstown, while Erik, Keith, Tom, Ryan, Taylor and aunt Lynn are doing crazy adrenaline things. I just realized that this is going to be the last night that I spend in this funny city. It is very possible that I never see Shotover street again, or that I never sleep a night in an alpine hut in the Southern Alps.

The reality is that I leave in eight days. This stage of my life is over, and that I may never see Mt. Cook in person again. I could tell myself that I will be back, and ignore the realities that lay before me. I may not come back to New Zealand. I do plan on traveling again, I do plan on living in another country again, and I do plan on taking the new found passion for traveling to many places. But, there are so many places I have learned about while being here that I would love to go to.

I have found myself saying goodbye to many of the places that I have grown accustomed to the past five months. Walking down from the Mueller hut I was quietly saying goodbye to the Mount Cook Range, while reminiscing on the experiences I have had in their Shadow. In the same way I have been wandering around Queenstown, looking at the crazy tourists trying to do as many things that are possible during their four day stay in the "adventure sports capitol of the world," and thinking about the first time we experienced the bustling city on the shores of Lake Waikatipu.

Saying goodbye, and facing the realities that come with it are both terrifying and exciting. I am very sad that this time in my life is nearly over, but I am excited to see how my life is affected because of my time in New Zealand. New experiences await me, and that brings me great joy.

I will see many of you who read this blog very soon.

Pol-i-tiks

Politics are something that I know very little about. If you have ever been bored enough to look through the archive on my blog you will not have found a single piece of writing on politics. There are a number of people who have blogs that write about current policies nearly every day, and I felt as though I should, at least once, write about it too. I am not fluent in political terminology, and to be honest I hate discussing politics. It doesn’t matter if they are the loud mouthed opinionated girl in my philosophy class or if they are my closest friends, I simply don’t enjoy it. You may have already written me off as ignorant, or foolish, but in reality my experiences have yielded certain results, which in essence make my opinion just as valid or credible as any other one out there, because after all an opinion is just that…an opinion.

From my observational experience political discussion very rarely ends positively. The first type of conversation I have seen, and become part of more than once in my life, involves two different or opposing viewpoints. I once had a professor describe the continuum that exists between a dialogue and a debate. He emphasized that people should strive to keep interactions closer to the dialogue or discussion side of the continuum, rather than the debate side. I think many times when two people, who have opposing or different viewpoints, discuss something as emotional as politics they tend to divide themselves from one another, and with this division come debate. Once the discussion turns to a debate, both parties are simply arguing for their case, and consideration and absorption aren’t achieved. Two people, myself included, may end up arguing for hours, never coming to any sort of resolution. The second type of conversation that I have taken part in, and witnessed, is between two people who share a common belief. I typically end up saying things that I know the other person will agree with, simply so that some sort of emotional cohesion is formed. Basically, reinforcement of in-group and out-group norms, beliefs and stereotypes are the only outcome that I have ever witnessed. All in all, my experiences with political conversations haven’t been very positive, or worthwhile.

This is what I know about politics: George Bush is a republican. He has made some poor decisions, as well as some good ones. Bill Clinton was a democrat, and he too made some good and some bad decisions. I am aware that a lot of terrible things have occurred in the world within the past five years. Many of these things were out of our control, but some of them were not. I know that over twenty two percent of young people get their political opinions from some sort of political comedian. Satire has been one of the great resources of the human intellect, but when satire becomes the dominant or only mode of communication for an entire generation, then the result can be a destruction of our capacity or willingness for serious thought. I know that some people value fair trade, while others think free trade is the best policy. Some may argue that border patrol is wrong and hurtful, while other people would say illegal immigration has cost tax payers more than anything else in the past twenty years. Basically what I have concluded is that two sides exist for every single idea, issue, policy, and decision. Even when describing a form of government there are two different types either left or right and authoritarian or libertarian. Some may view one thing as good, where others may view it as bad, and there are always going to be people who benefit and people who lose out. There exists the problem; people think their truths are more “truthful” than the next guys’ truths.

I suppose the biggest thing I struggle with regarding politics is that in all the manipulation, and swaying to bring another to our “side” we are becoming even more close minded, judgmental, and most devastatingly, inactive. Politics, in some form or another, will exist forever, but the opportunity for me to do something positive for the world that I live in, right now, won’t last very long. I think that for our generation to have any impact on the world we live in we need to stop discussing and start working. I need to accept that two sides exist for everything…except love. Our desire to both love one another, and be loved, is felt and believed by every single person. I want to initiate change with my hands and my heart, not with my opinionated jargon, and hopefully in the process we may become much more united than we have ever been.

"Politics is the science of good sense, applied to public affairs, and, as those are forever changing, what is wisdom today would be folly and perhaps, ruin tomorrow. Politics is not a science so properly as a business. It cannot have fixed principles, from which a wise man would never swerve, unless the inconstancy of men's view of interest and the capriciousness of the tempers could be fixed." [Fisher Ames (1758–1808)]

Firelit Climbing Session...

This past weekend my eccentric friend Frank and I went to Dunedin and did some climbing, at Long Beach. I knew Frank through another one of my friends from Linfield, prior to coming here. Before I ever communicated with him I knew quite a lot about his character, passions, and overall personality, but until this weekend I just knew about him, rather than actually knowing him. Over the course of the weekend we had some incredible conversations about life, goals, and relationships. One of the most incredible things about Frank is how much he loves people. He values random encounters, deep long lasting friendships, and romantic relationships more than anything else in this world. Every adventure he ever goes on involves meeting people, getting to know them, and ultimately forming some sort of relationship with them. Frank never passes up a hitchhiker, and upon entry he always offers food, water, and great conversation. After being with Frank for four days I realized how much I could learn from him. I realized that every single person can drastically influence my life, no matter how long they are in it. I suppose this blog is a "thank you" of sorts. I am not sure if he will read it, but Thanks anyway. You are truly unique, and I am excited to see the way our experience together this past weekend changes the person you are today and into the future.

Here is a sweet picture he took from the first day we were there.



As soon as I get more pictures I will be posting them on here.

I

I am sitting here listening to Tristan Prettyman's newest album titled Twentythree. It is very good, but it is making me miss home quite a lot.

I found a pretty gross picture of me from the Dusky track trip. I currently have a smile on my face after seeing it, so I am going to put it on here so maybe you will have a smile on your face as well.

I was sick all last weekend with an awful 102 degree fever. It made my entire body hurt all over, to the point where I couldn't get out of bed. I would get so cold I had to put on long underwear, down jacket, wool socks and a beanie so that I could climb into my down sleeping bag underneath my heavy comforter, only to have to take everything off and lay down on the floor in my boxers cause I was sweating profusely.

I just finished Leif Enger's Peace Like a River last night at three in the morning. I had tears persistently rolling down my cheeks for at least twenty pages of the book. If you have read it then you know the power that "I've been there and am going back. Make of it what you will." can have.

I am currently working on an academic paper about social perception. Essentially the paper is analyzing why one individual who is mocked his entire life turns that social experience into motivation for greatness, whereas another uses the same social stimuli to fuel a brutal killing spree.

I am eagerly anticipating Brianne's arrival. It will be absolutely wonderful to have her here. I have realized that I know a lot about Brianne, but I don't know Brianne as well as I would like to. I hope that her time here is a relaxing break, and that her and Erik's relationship grows because of their time spent together in another country.

I am blogging about whatever is coming to mind. Mainly to serve as a mental break/cool down from writing my paper, but also to feed my blogging desire. Make of it what you will.

Silence and Solitude

Recently I had the opportunity to go out and spend four days and three nights in the Hopkins Valley, alone. I had never done a solo, I don't consider myself a very contemplative person, and I am also an extrovert, so the thought of spending four days alone in the silent wilderness was very discomforting.

I would like to explain all of the details, but I will save them for a good face to face conversation over some tea or coffee, but all in all it was one of the most spectacular experiences I have had thus far. Initially I was very uncomfortable. I had never placed myself in such a vulnerable and revealing situation with myself and God. Like anything else, it took some getting used to. By the end of the second day I had reached a new and powerful comfortableness being alone with my creator. Until that point, sitting in the shadow of the Dasler Pinnacles, I had never been very comfortable simply "being" with God.

Time and time again, people have had massive, life changing, revelations during times of solitude. I can't say that my life took a massive turn once I got out of the bush, but I did learn a couple of amazing things. The first being, that to silence one's heart, mind and body before God takes a lot more work than I had previously thought. It was difficult and uncomfortable to reveal my heart, on such a one to one basis, with God. I wasn't scared to be alone so much as I was scared to be alone sitting face to face with my creator. God will always use silence, solitude and vulnerability to teach his disciples a thing or two.

The second thing that I learned was that the same force which is capable of splitting continents and creating mountains out of sheer granite, loves me, right now, with that same intensity and desire. The same God who made the Southern Alps, Rocky Mountains, and the Oregon Coast loves you and me with the same unwavering power. The implications of this are inconceivable. God's ability to use you and me to enact social change, and love people is huge. We are loved with a force powerful enough to create massive glaciated peaks, so why don't I act like it?

The third revelation was that I am always investing in God. I am always trying to win God's favor, which doesn't seem like a bad thing, but I don't think it is how we are supposed to live. This is from my journal that evening:

Something just dawned on me, thanks to the Ragamuffin Gospel. I am always trying to invest in God's favor. It seems like every choice I make can be boiled down to whether or not it will look good to God and his people or not. I am constantly trying to improve my eternal portfolio, Newsweek article here, serve some of my friends there. And, it is all done with the intention of building a resume. I think that this has major implication in my interactions with people as well. If they are "believers" than I quickly size them up. I compare their portfolio to mine. If theirs is less "impressive" than mine I feel as though I can help and be some sort of guidance. If my portfolio is less "impressive" than mine I look at them as a mentor, or somebody above me. If the person isn't a 'Christian' than I take a "sell but not to obvious" type of attitude. Hinting to them that they could start their own portfolios today if they wanted.

The problem with this is that it removes trust from my faith. Do I trust God enough to let him love me despite my flaws and weak resume. Nothing I can do will win any more, or any less, favor in God's eyes, so why do I always feel like everyone of my actions has consequences, be it good or bad, in the eyes of God?

Honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able enough to acknowledge this truth. Honesty brings an end to pretense through candid acknowledgement of our fragile humanity. It is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it. By rejecting my ragamuffin identity I am turning away from God, the community, and myself. I become a man obsessed with illusion and identity, a man of false power and fearful weakness, unable t think, act and love.

I suppose honesty before God takes the most fundamental risk of faith we can take. The risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our identity. To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as he is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life.

I would recommend to anyone that they should take at least some time to silence their hearts. It doesn't matter what you believe in, who, or what. Regardless, the time will not be in vein. I don't plan on isolating myself from society, but I do hope that I can take time out of my regular life, every once in a while, and listen to my creator. See what he has to say, about me and about the world I live in.

Dad's trip to New Zealand

The first week of Easter Break was speant zooming all over the South Island with my dad. He was here for ten days, and these are some pictures from his time here:

On top of the Routeburn Track
Hero Shot of Erik and the Franz Joseph Glacier
Outside of a great hostel in Greymouth
My dad "having a Bungy"

"I can't remember..."

After reading Bryce’s most recent blog I was reminded about this beautiful story which illustrates the gospel of grace perfectly:

Several years ago in a large city in the far west, rumors spread that a certain women was having visions of Jesus. The reports reached the archbishop, and he decided to check it out.
“Is it true ma’am that you have visions of Jesus?” asked the cleric.
“Yes,” the woman replied simply.
“Well the next time you have a vision, I want you to ask Jesus to tell you the sins that I confessed in my last confession.”
The woman was stunned. “Did I hear you right, bishop?” You actually want me to ask Jesus to tell me of all you sins?
“Exactly. Please call me if anything happens.”
Ten days later the women notified the bishop of a recent apparition. “Please come,” she said.
Within the hour the bishop arrived. He trusted eye to eye contact. “You just told me on the telephone that you actually had a vision of Jesus. Did you do what I asked?”
“Yes, bishop, I asked Jesus to tell me the sins that you last confessed.”
His Eyes narrowed in anticipation.
“What did Jesus say?”
She took his hand and gazed deep into his eyes. “Bishop,” she said, “these are his exact words… ‘I CAN’T REMEMBER.’”

Christianity happens when men and women accept with unwavering trust that their sins have not only been forgiven but forgotten, washed away in the blood of the Lamb. And this my friends is true freedom.

We went on a very nice walk...

If you have already read Erik's blog then you know that he and I just finished a seven day backpacking trip in some of New Zealand's most rugged country. If you haven't read his blog it can be found here. More roots than I could have ever imagined, hip deep mud, and thousands of vertical meters covered have made my knees and ankles sore. I think the boys are going to go and do another trip tomorrow, but I think I am going to go on a solo trip somewhere else.

I have never been alone in the back country, and one of my goals coming here was to do a solo trip. It is strange how contemplation and reflection don't always occur when they are most convenient. I have grown and learned so much from relationships, community and conversation, but the bible says that God also speaks to us in silence. I hope that I can find a place that is vast, beautiful, and silent.

With that said I won't have another blog for a couple of days. We are entering the last week of our three week long Easter break, and when it is over there will be many pictures, stories and ideas to follow. I miss you all very badly, and I can't wait to hear about your many adventures and experiences.

I hope...

I have had a number of friendships that have "fallen through." I have had a number of friendships that I gave up on, or stopped working at, simply because we had different moral standings. Many times I have disengaged myself with people simply because I thought that spending time with the person wouldn't be beneficial to my own faith. Today, I think I finally realized how ridiculous this all is, it took me 21 years to see how selfish a mindset like this can be. Intimate relationships are the most beautiful and heavenly things that we may experience in our lifetimes. We are capable, by the works of the Holy Spirit, to shed light on profound life altering truths for one another. The people who I engage in fellowship with have, time and time again, conveyed messages of love and grace to me, which I may have otherwise missed out on. I hope that I would be used to convey messages of hope, love and grace to people everyday. I hope that we, as a body of believers, strive to bring heaven to earth. I hope that we would be a group of people who value friendships, not just shallow friendships, but relationships that flow with conversation and messages of grace and love. I hope that we would be driven by a burning passion, and that individual passions would create purpose. I hope that our selfish desires don't wiggle their way into our already heavenly friendships. I pray that we would be a group of people who prioritize servant hood, both in a social context and within our community. Basically, I hope that by the time I reach heaven I will have had a taste of what it is going to be like, because I believe that it is possible, I believe I have already had a spoonful...and it tastes really good.

My dad arrives here in New Zealand tomorrow morning. I hope that the time we share here on the other side of the world would strengthen our relationship. Here's a picture of my dad and I snowshoeing in Colorado:

We've got ourselves a first timer here...

I have never been mountaineering before. I suppose it is the epitome of outdoor activities. I think Erik, Brian, Graham, Jacques and I are going to give it a whirl this weekend. We get to use ice axes and crampons, and we are going to be roped together. I hope it goes well.

Here are some pictures of where we are going, I got them from a random website:

See More Butts...

Seeing as how birthday blogging is the new black, I am going to jump on this glory train and dedicate this blog to my dear friend Collin. I don't know if you are going to read this on your birthday, especially since it is late into the day and you shouldn't be online anymore, at least I hope not.

Collin you have the rare ability to dig deep into a person's heart. Many times while dangerously riding around in the Pathfinder, you have pryed into my heart, and every time I discover something new about myself. Your ability to passionately discuss your struggles with those closest to you is inspiring. I love how transparent you are, and I hope, one day, I can be as revealing and intimate with you as you are with me. Thanks for all that you have taught me about god's heart, your heart, and my own heart. I wish so badly that I could be with you to celebrate, but know that I am thinking about you and that we will have one heck of a celebration when I return to the Northern Hemisphere. I love you Collin, have a wonderful day!