A letter to nobody in particular...

I am kind of struggling right now. I have been here before, different circumstances, but similar feeling of helplessness. A year and a half ago I was in a similar place. One night I sat down at my desk, and between tears wrote a letter to nobody in particular. I ended up sending it to a couple of people who eventually helped me and my frustrations. I don't really know why I feel compelled to put this on here, maybe it will wring true for someone...maybe it will help me to better understand the struggles I have been battling with lately. This was a letter of frustration to nobody in particular:

To whomever,

I am sitting at my computer right now and I am stressed out about WyldLife, I am stressed out about classes, I am stressed out about working at Lowe’s, I am stressed out about my dad coming, I am stressed out about this summer, and I am stressed out about Nikki and my relationship. I have no idea what my next move should be, it feels like I am wandering further and further into a dark labyrinth. I have no idea which way I should even point to run, or which task I should begin to work on. My grades aren’t doing very well, and the person who I talk to about things is hurting too badly to hear anything I have to say about my own worries and struggles.

My dad is coming out next weekend and I found out that he will only be here for 48 hours, which is substantially less than I had originally depended on. This is not to say that I am not excited about his arrival, but I am stressed about the fact that one of the two nights that I have to see him I will be working at Lowe’s. I will be pushing shopping carts and dealing with angry contractors rather than residing in the comfort that comes along with spending time with my father. The comfort that I crave so badly right now, the comfort of home, is thirteen hundred miles away. Home has been correlated with refuge and rest. When I go home I don’t have to worry about classes, I don’t have to worry about tests, work, girlfriends, failed friendships, housing, roommates, soccer, ministry, or anything that has previously brought me joy. I crave the comfort of my basement. I crave the tranquility that the sun brings as it dips below the Rockies. I desire to be secluded, in the middle of nowhere, miles away from any distraction. I crave alone time with just me and my creator, basking in his glory. Free from online quizzes, the sound of the Lowe’s security system going off, free from the heartache that comes with your girlfriend not wanting to be with you but rather be at home.

I feel like I have failed at more things than I can admit too. I failed my roommates, I was unable to reach the level of community and intimacy that I knew was attainable. Every time I get a test back I feel like I have failed myself, and the thousands of dollars my dad has spent on my education. I feel like there were so many potential friendships at the end of last year, and with graduation approaching many of them have ended in nothing. I was hit with the brutal realization that great fellowship takes work, prayer, and above all dedication. One must be dedicated to the point of humbleness, and I think I have failed at that as well. The feeling of failure has caused me to reach a level of numbness. I don’t find joy in loving somebody on my team, like I used to. I don’t find joy in really great worship, or fits of laughter, or a good movie on a Friday night. Joy has become a relative term; it doesn’t mean the same thing it did a year ago. Rather than joy being its own state of being, it has become the absence of another …hurting.

Never in my life have I seen or felt the pain that a person can bear. I have never embraced a person sobbing so hard that they must be carried away in an ambulance, because they just killed their best friend. I have never held the hand of somebody who has just lost one of the people that they love the most. Helplessness has become something that I can finally understand. I have been experiencing the feeling of helplessness that is found only in not being able to help the person that I care about the most. There is something that is unexplainable in loving somebody who is incapable of loving in return. I don’t even know what it is like to have a real sibling, so how am I capable of bringing any comfort to someone who has just lost one? It is simple…I cannot.

I have never experienced what it is like to be slowly or abruptly nudged from the comfortable household that I grew up in. To return home to find one’s bedroom filled with paperwork, to expect the perfect homecoming, but rather find a totaled car in the driveway and an empty house. My dad who I can safely say is someone who knows more about me than anyone else doesn’t have a clue as to my struggles anymore. The comfort in knowing that somebody else is aware of your struggles has become non-existent. In the same way, the comfort that once flowed through the book of Corinthians has simply become letters and words.

My faith has changed from an intricate relationship with the son of man, to a basis for my decision making. A relationship between me and Jesus no longer presides over everything else, but instead what the next crucial decision I have to make will result in. How can you say do not worry about tomorrow, when the things you decide today will directly change tomorrow. Do I end a potentially amazing relationship? Do I drop out of school and do nothing? Should I really tell my dad how I feel about his new lifestyle? Should I go home tomorrow? Do I really need to study for this next test? Every single thing has reproductions that I am not ready to experience. Physical repercussions, emotional repercussions, financial repercussions, and spiritual repercussions are all waiting right around the corner of every decision I make.

The point of this is not to scare whoever reads it, if anybody reads it, but rather for me to finally put into words some of the things that have impacted me the last couple of months. Somebody who I care about deeply just reminded me of the fact that it will be alright. Things will be better. Joy isn’t found in smiles and laughter, clichés and fun experiences. Joy is found in being able to say, while wandering through a maze of shit, that you trust in the one holding you safely in his hands.


Chris

Vulnerability can be incredibility difficult. Right now it seems difficult to be vulnerable with myself. The emotional tapestry that is Chris is hardly recognizable, which brings its own confusion. I hope that I can hold onto the last two sentences of that letter. I have hope.

Unbeknownst to you and me...

I haven't listened to Jonah Werner in a while, but for some reason this poem came to mind so I had to go and find out what the exact lyrics were. I can still hear goofy Jonah singing his heart out in the remote British Columbia woods conveying the gospel of love and grace to high school kids. I miss Malibu...

Unbeknownst to you and me
Beyond the place of tyranny
There lies a love that holds us
In sure and constant watch
I pass the place of future crashing
And far beyond the tongues and lashing
There lies a blaze that's burning
Never to be drenched
When people live in love beyond themselves
Hearts betray this bitter world
There's bound to be a breaking
But I can't sweat for better yet
When all I have is manifest
In who I am, who I was, and what I'm not mistaking
But this is freedom, living and loving hard
When guarantees allude and char
And I can't rest on human souls
Cause they're unpractical and bruising
There has got to be more
There has got to be something deeper out there
And I hope that you look and you find
Because if people are being restored
Where vines and branches sever more
And never have I been so crazy
Kick the doors to free me
To say that I'm alive and I'm thriving still
I've lost my feet, but I won't lose my will
You can hurt but you cannot kill the raging fires
Of a man whose been caught by human lies time after time
Who's been soaked and choked and rung by compromise
Who was once dead, but is now alive.

Power of Compound Interest

“The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest.”
~ Albert Einstein

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, sipping on my favorite Chai, and thinking about the last ten months of my life. Strange at it may be, I decided to write an e-mail to one of my dear friends that I met while in New Zealand. His name is Frank, and I have briefly blogged about him earlier this year, but for some reason I had a hankering to see how he was doing. I had some frustrations on my heart that I new he would be able to relate to, and I wanted to see how he was doing.

We ended up having a great conversation about current struggles, joys and experiences, but what was most meaningful was something that he said at the very end of the conversation. He told me that he has been thinking a lot about the aforementioned Einstein quote and its relational implications. Sure, compound interest is an incredible investment tool, capable of increasing ones wealth at a staggering rate, but what does this mean for my life as a whole?

Frank went on to explain how he has met a bunch of great people over the last couple of years in his worldwide travels, and keeping in touch with all of those people has been incredibly difficult, and at times overwhelming. As many of those who read this know, a large percentage of my closest friends are apart from one another most of the time. God has splattered us all over North America, tossing us into a variety of college, work, marital, and missionary environments. Keeping in touch over the past three years hasn't gotten easier either. Frank and I were discussing the frustrations that come with being apart from those you love and care about. There are so many times throughout the week when I want to call a close friend and see how they are doing, but I always talk myself out of it. I think to myself, "I don't have two hours to talk right now, I should probably wait until I do..." I succeed in rendering myself worthless.

Back to the quote, "The greatest force in the world is compound interest," I began to think about how I could apply this to my friendships. Basically I realized that two and half hour conversations aren't necessary to maintain, or even enhance, a relationship. All that I need to do is invest in that friendship. Simple, twenty minute conversations can yield incredible results. Trusting that God will use that precious time is a necessary component to any relationship, and I haven't been doing a very good job at that lately. I need to remember that God can and will use my meager efforts to do good.

To think that my efforts, are going to be used as a tool by my creator is pretty amazing. Even more, to think that my insufficient attempts will be made sufficient after God has his way with them is both encouraging and empowering. The same force that paints every sunset wants your and my friendship to be amazing. God wants us to experience the love and community he intended, and from my limited experience, he has helped us out when we fall short. That indeed is the greatest force I can think of.

Into the Wild

My roommate Bryan and I went to Portland and saw Into the Wild Friday night. For some reason it is only playing at one theater in all of Oregon . Bryan and I both loved the book, so we had been waiting for this movie to come out to Oregon. Needless to say, we were willing to drive into P-town to check it out.

In case any of you haven't heard about this film, it was based on a book written by Jon Krakauer. Krakauer was a famous mountaineer who retired to writing for Outside Magazine. Into the Wild was published in 1996 and was extremely successful. The book tells the true story of Christopher McCandless, a young college graduate who gave up all worldly possessions to pursue something greater. After leaving his car in the desert, burning all the cash in his pocket and donating over $20,000 to charity he took to the road. For nearly two years McCandless travels all over North America. During this time he met and made impressions on many people, which are the primary focus of both the book and the movie. Eventually McCandless (Alexander Supertramp) made it to the Alaskan Wilderness, where he ended up dying alone. Krakauer draws many parallels between the human desire for adventure and Chris McCandless' wanderings.

I first read the book my sophomore year of college after it was recommended to me by a good friend. I couldn't put it down. The words resonated within me. McCandless' desire for adventure, and the unknown was very relatable. I ended up reading it twice in a row, and quickly thereafter decided that New Zealand was the place to go. I am not going to attribute to much of my decision of going to New Zealand to Into the Wild, but it did fan an already existing flame.

Sean Penn did an amazing job with the direction of this film, it had a very rough and independent feel to it, which beautifully conveyed the feeling I got from reading the book. Emile Hirsch looked very comfortable in his role as Chris McCandless. The movie ends with an actual photograph of Chris McCandless, and Emile Hirsch even looked strikingly similar. Surprisingly, Vince Vaughn played Wayne Westerberg, the eccentric combine owner who Chris lives with for a couple of months, without overdoing it. The wide angle shots continued to impress throughout the entire film. I don't know if it is possible for a book based movie to be better than the book, but if so than this may be one of the few instances. After leaving the theater all I could think about were my travels in New Zealand. I wanted to be back, with the people I love, wandering in a state of excitement and wonder.

I know that very few people actually read this blog, but my hopes in writing this review is to promote this great book and film. Sadly, the themes presented in this film will not be seen by as many people as they should. Hopefully, this beautiful rendition of an already fantastic book will be shown at theaters across the country. If you have a chance go and see it, you won't be dissapointed.

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."

~ Chris McCandless