Silence and Solitude

Recently I had the opportunity to go out and spend four days and three nights in the Hopkins Valley, alone. I had never done a solo, I don't consider myself a very contemplative person, and I am also an extrovert, so the thought of spending four days alone in the silent wilderness was very discomforting.

I would like to explain all of the details, but I will save them for a good face to face conversation over some tea or coffee, but all in all it was one of the most spectacular experiences I have had thus far. Initially I was very uncomfortable. I had never placed myself in such a vulnerable and revealing situation with myself and God. Like anything else, it took some getting used to. By the end of the second day I had reached a new and powerful comfortableness being alone with my creator. Until that point, sitting in the shadow of the Dasler Pinnacles, I had never been very comfortable simply "being" with God.

Time and time again, people have had massive, life changing, revelations during times of solitude. I can't say that my life took a massive turn once I got out of the bush, but I did learn a couple of amazing things. The first being, that to silence one's heart, mind and body before God takes a lot more work than I had previously thought. It was difficult and uncomfortable to reveal my heart, on such a one to one basis, with God. I wasn't scared to be alone so much as I was scared to be alone sitting face to face with my creator. God will always use silence, solitude and vulnerability to teach his disciples a thing or two.

The second thing that I learned was that the same force which is capable of splitting continents and creating mountains out of sheer granite, loves me, right now, with that same intensity and desire. The same God who made the Southern Alps, Rocky Mountains, and the Oregon Coast loves you and me with the same unwavering power. The implications of this are inconceivable. God's ability to use you and me to enact social change, and love people is huge. We are loved with a force powerful enough to create massive glaciated peaks, so why don't I act like it?

The third revelation was that I am always investing in God. I am always trying to win God's favor, which doesn't seem like a bad thing, but I don't think it is how we are supposed to live. This is from my journal that evening:

Something just dawned on me, thanks to the Ragamuffin Gospel. I am always trying to invest in God's favor. It seems like every choice I make can be boiled down to whether or not it will look good to God and his people or not. I am constantly trying to improve my eternal portfolio, Newsweek article here, serve some of my friends there. And, it is all done with the intention of building a resume. I think that this has major implication in my interactions with people as well. If they are "believers" than I quickly size them up. I compare their portfolio to mine. If theirs is less "impressive" than mine I feel as though I can help and be some sort of guidance. If my portfolio is less "impressive" than mine I look at them as a mentor, or somebody above me. If the person isn't a 'Christian' than I take a "sell but not to obvious" type of attitude. Hinting to them that they could start their own portfolios today if they wanted.

The problem with this is that it removes trust from my faith. Do I trust God enough to let him love me despite my flaws and weak resume. Nothing I can do will win any more, or any less, favor in God's eyes, so why do I always feel like everyone of my actions has consequences, be it good or bad, in the eyes of God?

Honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able enough to acknowledge this truth. Honesty brings an end to pretense through candid acknowledgement of our fragile humanity. It is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it. By rejecting my ragamuffin identity I am turning away from God, the community, and myself. I become a man obsessed with illusion and identity, a man of false power and fearful weakness, unable t think, act and love.

I suppose honesty before God takes the most fundamental risk of faith we can take. The risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our identity. To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as he is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life.

I would recommend to anyone that they should take at least some time to silence their hearts. It doesn't matter what you believe in, who, or what. Regardless, the time will not be in vein. I don't plan on isolating myself from society, but I do hope that I can take time out of my regular life, every once in a while, and listen to my creator. See what he has to say, about me and about the world I live in.