Do I Even Try...

How do I do this?

Both photography and writing fall disappointingly short at conveying the magnitude of emotions that even the simplest of experiences illicit. I sit here reflecting on the Killing Fields, staring at a dissipating lake, trying to peace together sentences and poignant fragments, to somehow capture the truth that can be, not learned, but felt while playing with a Cambodian orphan. I put pen to paper or fingertip to shutter, but am consistently disappointing by my results.

I believe that only the most artistic of souls can capture the sheer weight of our experiences. Can I begin to do it? Should I even try? My answer, to my own question, is a resounding "Yes." I will try to compose moving and meaningful images and I will attempt to paint literary portraits. Not to fulfill any goals or to meet any standard, but instead to explore what it is that I experienced. By writing I am reflecting, and by reading I am remembering. These two, or four, acts help me to build my own world, or my perspective of it, a little more thoroughly. It is only then that my heart and my soul fall in line with what I was trying to accomplish by traveling in the first place. To be changed.

So, as Ernesto "Che" Guavero writes in The Motorcycle Diaries, "The The person who writes these notes passed away the moment his feet hit Argentinian soil. The person who reorganizes and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I am not the person I once was." The man who writes these words that you are reading right now is different than the man who experienced what they are a response to, and in much the same, but entirely different way, the person who re-reads them over again will be different than the one who first jotted them down.

It is my hope that this process continues as I move away from this crazy capitol city. I hope that the process not only continues, but in fact perpetuates further change as I go to Siem Reap, Ko Chang, Bangkok and back on home to America. I suppose in writing this a new discovery was made: The greatest hope of my life's journey is that relationships, cultures and experiences continue to perpetuate change, growth and a more active pursuit of love in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul.

Everything or Nothing

What philosophy to you subscribe more to: ''Everything is Nothing'', ''Nothing is Everything'' or ''Everything is Everything?''

This is taken from a journal entry from a couple of days ago:

Drew leaves in two days. I am very sad that he won't be with us anymore. In a way it feels as though all of our trips are ending with his, but then I remember the beautiful things we have packed into any two week period prior to this one. Surely it will be different, but it will also be good. I look forward to see the way our group dynamic changes after this amazing brother's absence.

He makes all of us laugh a lot with his insistent rap lyrics and off-the-wall ghetto vocab. He is and will forever be one of my best friends. He has imparted in me new and rewarding types of confidence that I never thought possible. He has allowed me to take it easy. Most importantly however, he has helped me to see the world for what it is. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less.

I always struggle to convey how important and meaningful a person is to me, how much I value the time I spend with them, or how much I care about their role in this kingdom. But I can never convey all that I feel. Not an entirely unique struggle I would imagine, but what if we could fully love someone. Fully show them their worth. And, fully experience how much I am worth. As I dreamt about earlier on this trip, maybe that is a part of heaven, being able to love transparently and to be loved fully.

Drew has the unique ability to convey how much my friendship means to him. Conversations are not forced, or are they overwhelmingly frequent but they are powerful. The time we have spent speaking to one another about family, love, relationships and people have been incredibly valuable, and irreplaceable. This dream I have had about a more transparent and thorough love has come closer and closer to fruition because of my time spent with Drew.

I am so thankful that he came on this trip, that he has taken the time to be here with us. I have left many of our conversations with a more beautiful understanding of what this kingdom is really about. We all came on this trip to expand our world view and to see more of the world, but more so, he came on this trip to invest in me, Erik and Jordan. To try and love us more fully.

I look forward to our brotherhood. I look forward to exploring more of this beautiful world with you. Never stop seeing people and places for what they are. Everything is Everything.

Faces of Tibet

I have a lot going through my mind right now. I have been in a town called Mcleod Ganj for the last four days and I am loving it. Mcleod has become the home to the Tibetan Government as well as the Dali Lama. It is a very peaceful and tranquil place compared to other parts of India. Yesterday I hiked to a 8,600 foot ridge line that had spectacular views of a 16,000 foot Himalayan peak. The most profound moments however have been spent with a crew of Tibetan Monks who run the hostel I am staying at. Yeshi, Tenzin and I have spent the last three nights eating traditional Tibetan dinners together by candlelight. We have traded personal stories, explored the differences between Eastern and Western philosophies and shared our biggest struggles. It has been a treasure staying here with them. Each of them have shared their personal journeys through the Himalayans to seek refuge in India more than ten years ago. Stories of hope and of suffering have been shared.

At one point I asked Yeshi: "If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?"

After much thought and consideration he responded with hopeful excitement, "Tibet!"

I proceeded to ask him, "If you could go anywhere other than Tibet where would you go?"

He closed his eyes and with a gentle softness responded with, "Heaven."


Today I took part in a very emotional "Free Tibet" rally. Tears were pouring and chants were being shouted. The Tibetans, both young and old, walked for nearly 12 kilometers down a 4,000 ft mountain to the town of Dharamsala to share their message. It was a very moving demonstration. If I can find a decent Internet connection I will share some photos... otherwise it would take hours to upload. I am about to go to meet with my Monk friends one more time for dinner. Tomorrow I take a bus out of Mcleod Ganj to Pathankot where I board a train to Varanasi. As soon as I am able I will post again. Until then, Peace and Love.

So, there is this girl...

I have had a number of requests to update the world as to my relationship status. Because I don't really know everyone who reads this, I am not going to go into much depth, but I can say that there is this girl who is incredible. I have known Courtney for quite some time now. We met for the first time at a church in Seattle the summer after my freshman year in college. We ended up spending a month together in British Columbia at a summer camp. Our lives were entirely different when we first met, and over the course of the last three years our paths have meandered their way into one another's. The last six months have been filled with a grace that I have never experienced. Our interactions are divine, and the phrase "beyond my wildest dreams" has become realized. Her creativity and confidence change hearts. Her sincerity and beauty reflect the love of our creator. And, her integrity and intentionality inspire me every single day. We have journeyed together in Colorado, California, Oregon, South Carolina and North Carolina. I look forward to breaking the mold, wandering together alongside the divine nobodies of this world in pursuit of truth, grace and love.  She is planning on moving to Denver this summer to change the world, or at least this part of it. The prospect of living life by her side excites me to no end, companionship is great... Okay that is all you get (if you even wanted any in the first place.) If you want to know more I would probably be more than happy to tell you about grace. I hope that all of you are doing well. Peace and Love. 

One

There is a love that binds us. 

A love that spans great distances, 

experiential differences, 

emotional disturbances. 

Love.

There is a love that accepts us.

Fulfilling fruitfulness in rest, 

waging warfare in romance,

hearts pining for the One.

Hope.

There is a love that speaks to us.

Sword of compassion in the right,

white horse patiently waiting,

battles ready to be fought.

Peace.

There is a love that builds us.

Kingdoms that move,

souls willing to fall inline,

dynamic landscapes made perfect. 

Wonder. 

There is a love that unites us.

Hearts worth fighting for,

pure and spotless intimacy,

side by side for the One. 

Grace. 

Here it is...

I would like to apologize to those of you who frequent this blog. For a number of months you have stopped by only to discover, once again, that I did not write anything. I want to tell you that I have been writing. I have actually been writing more frequently than ever before. My recent ramblings however, have been increasingly more personal in nature, and to be honest I haven't really wanted to post them on the world wide web.

Recently, I have begun to dabble in poetry, and hopefully, one day soon I will share it with you. Until then however, it will live in the confines of my little black moleskin journal. If you have mastered the ways of deceit and thievery you may be able to sneak a peak... but an easier way to hear/read some of this would be to go on a walk or sit across a table from me with a caffeinated beverage in hand. If however you live far away and we cannot look each other eye to eye, then I must first say that I probably miss you. Secondly, I would say that emails work pretty well. And, thirdly I would request your address because handwritten letters have become my new favorite (like red snow cones). 

So there it is. I hope that all of you are doing well. Oh yeah, don't forget to vote...

Peace and Love. 

Fifteen Minutes...GO!!!

I am sitting here and I couldn't narrow down all of the crazy thoughts going on inside my head, so I decided just to write for five minutes straight and see what comes of it. 

A couple of days a go a great friend of mine left Portland to fly across the country to New York City. If any of you know Frank then you know that he is an incredibly passionate, eccentric, and unique individual. The best way to describe our seventeen day road trip through the west side of this beautiful country is...exceptional. Frank has never been to Colorado, Wyoming, Montana or Idaho, so we decided to drive from Longmont to Portland. On the way we stopped in Wyoming, Bozeman (for a week), Missoula, Cors de Lane, and the Dalles. It was a seventeen day trip, that was filled with great people, conversation, skiing, amazing food, wonderful weather, old friends, new friends, and a couple discoveries within those already existing friendships. When Frank flew out of Portland on Sunday night it felt as though I was coming down off a drug. The way he inspires and ignites a person into action is unlike anyone I have ever met. With all that said, Thank you for prioritizing our friendship. Thank you for coming here and for helping me reignite something within myself.

Last night as our local college ministry I was sitting there worshipping and could not stop thinking about what I would say if Jesus asked me what he asks his disciples, "what is it that you know about me?" I kept thinking about the implications of this question. Many would give Jesus the answer that they think he wants to hear. They would summarize the historical understanding of Jesus. Others would give Jesus an inflated understanding, exaggerating what they know and leaving out all the bits that they don't. I would imagine that I would try an impress his with what I have to say. I would tell paraphrase Brian McLaren's understanding, toss in a little of C.S. Lewis' and maybe sprinkle a bit of Rob Bell on top, but Jesus wants none of that. Jesus wants our experience, more specifically our relationship, to provide his truth. He wants us to have an active relationship filled with the confusion, doubts, struggles and joys that come with it. So, as I was sitting in church I was thinking about how I would answer this question. As I was thinking about this I went to the side of the room where the lord's supper was. I walked up grabbed a piece of bread and a small half ounce glass of grape juice. I slowly walked back to my place, while in deep worship, and thought even more how I would answer his question. While deep in thought, prayer and worship I took the bread to my mouth. Jesus seemed to have helped me out in answering his own questions. My eyes were closed, and I instantly saw the smiles, tears, hugs and laughter of hundreds of people that I care about. I couldn't get the faces of my best friends, family and serogant brothers out of my minds eye. Jesus has manifested his self, and more importantly his truth, in us. 

I am starting school and am excited about what that means. In five months I will have two degrees. In five months I will no longer be financially dependent on my family. In five months I may be riding my bike across the west side of this country. In five months a new world will suddenly stand before me.

(Sorry for the poor grammar and sentence structure)

A letter to nobody in particular...

I am kind of struggling right now. I have been here before, different circumstances, but similar feeling of helplessness. A year and a half ago I was in a similar place. One night I sat down at my desk, and between tears wrote a letter to nobody in particular. I ended up sending it to a couple of people who eventually helped me and my frustrations. I don't really know why I feel compelled to put this on here, maybe it will wring true for someone...maybe it will help me to better understand the struggles I have been battling with lately. This was a letter of frustration to nobody in particular:

To whomever,

I am sitting at my computer right now and I am stressed out about WyldLife, I am stressed out about classes, I am stressed out about working at Lowe’s, I am stressed out about my dad coming, I am stressed out about this summer, and I am stressed out about Nikki and my relationship. I have no idea what my next move should be, it feels like I am wandering further and further into a dark labyrinth. I have no idea which way I should even point to run, or which task I should begin to work on. My grades aren’t doing very well, and the person who I talk to about things is hurting too badly to hear anything I have to say about my own worries and struggles.

My dad is coming out next weekend and I found out that he will only be here for 48 hours, which is substantially less than I had originally depended on. This is not to say that I am not excited about his arrival, but I am stressed about the fact that one of the two nights that I have to see him I will be working at Lowe’s. I will be pushing shopping carts and dealing with angry contractors rather than residing in the comfort that comes along with spending time with my father. The comfort that I crave so badly right now, the comfort of home, is thirteen hundred miles away. Home has been correlated with refuge and rest. When I go home I don’t have to worry about classes, I don’t have to worry about tests, work, girlfriends, failed friendships, housing, roommates, soccer, ministry, or anything that has previously brought me joy. I crave the comfort of my basement. I crave the tranquility that the sun brings as it dips below the Rockies. I desire to be secluded, in the middle of nowhere, miles away from any distraction. I crave alone time with just me and my creator, basking in his glory. Free from online quizzes, the sound of the Lowe’s security system going off, free from the heartache that comes with your girlfriend not wanting to be with you but rather be at home.

I feel like I have failed at more things than I can admit too. I failed my roommates, I was unable to reach the level of community and intimacy that I knew was attainable. Every time I get a test back I feel like I have failed myself, and the thousands of dollars my dad has spent on my education. I feel like there were so many potential friendships at the end of last year, and with graduation approaching many of them have ended in nothing. I was hit with the brutal realization that great fellowship takes work, prayer, and above all dedication. One must be dedicated to the point of humbleness, and I think I have failed at that as well. The feeling of failure has caused me to reach a level of numbness. I don’t find joy in loving somebody on my team, like I used to. I don’t find joy in really great worship, or fits of laughter, or a good movie on a Friday night. Joy has become a relative term; it doesn’t mean the same thing it did a year ago. Rather than joy being its own state of being, it has become the absence of another …hurting.

Never in my life have I seen or felt the pain that a person can bear. I have never embraced a person sobbing so hard that they must be carried away in an ambulance, because they just killed their best friend. I have never held the hand of somebody who has just lost one of the people that they love the most. Helplessness has become something that I can finally understand. I have been experiencing the feeling of helplessness that is found only in not being able to help the person that I care about the most. There is something that is unexplainable in loving somebody who is incapable of loving in return. I don’t even know what it is like to have a real sibling, so how am I capable of bringing any comfort to someone who has just lost one? It is simple…I cannot.

I have never experienced what it is like to be slowly or abruptly nudged from the comfortable household that I grew up in. To return home to find one’s bedroom filled with paperwork, to expect the perfect homecoming, but rather find a totaled car in the driveway and an empty house. My dad who I can safely say is someone who knows more about me than anyone else doesn’t have a clue as to my struggles anymore. The comfort in knowing that somebody else is aware of your struggles has become non-existent. In the same way, the comfort that once flowed through the book of Corinthians has simply become letters and words.

My faith has changed from an intricate relationship with the son of man, to a basis for my decision making. A relationship between me and Jesus no longer presides over everything else, but instead what the next crucial decision I have to make will result in. How can you say do not worry about tomorrow, when the things you decide today will directly change tomorrow. Do I end a potentially amazing relationship? Do I drop out of school and do nothing? Should I really tell my dad how I feel about his new lifestyle? Should I go home tomorrow? Do I really need to study for this next test? Every single thing has reproductions that I am not ready to experience. Physical repercussions, emotional repercussions, financial repercussions, and spiritual repercussions are all waiting right around the corner of every decision I make.

The point of this is not to scare whoever reads it, if anybody reads it, but rather for me to finally put into words some of the things that have impacted me the last couple of months. Somebody who I care about deeply just reminded me of the fact that it will be alright. Things will be better. Joy isn’t found in smiles and laughter, clichés and fun experiences. Joy is found in being able to say, while wandering through a maze of shit, that you trust in the one holding you safely in his hands.


Chris

Vulnerability can be incredibility difficult. Right now it seems difficult to be vulnerable with myself. The emotional tapestry that is Chris is hardly recognizable, which brings its own confusion. I hope that I can hold onto the last two sentences of that letter. I have hope.

Unbeknownst to you and me...

I haven't listened to Jonah Werner in a while, but for some reason this poem came to mind so I had to go and find out what the exact lyrics were. I can still hear goofy Jonah singing his heart out in the remote British Columbia woods conveying the gospel of love and grace to high school kids. I miss Malibu...

Unbeknownst to you and me
Beyond the place of tyranny
There lies a love that holds us
In sure and constant watch
I pass the place of future crashing
And far beyond the tongues and lashing
There lies a blaze that's burning
Never to be drenched
When people live in love beyond themselves
Hearts betray this bitter world
There's bound to be a breaking
But I can't sweat for better yet
When all I have is manifest
In who I am, who I was, and what I'm not mistaking
But this is freedom, living and loving hard
When guarantees allude and char
And I can't rest on human souls
Cause they're unpractical and bruising
There has got to be more
There has got to be something deeper out there
And I hope that you look and you find
Because if people are being restored
Where vines and branches sever more
And never have I been so crazy
Kick the doors to free me
To say that I'm alive and I'm thriving still
I've lost my feet, but I won't lose my will
You can hurt but you cannot kill the raging fires
Of a man whose been caught by human lies time after time
Who's been soaked and choked and rung by compromise
Who was once dead, but is now alive.

Geography of Wonder

It is late, and I have to wake up early tomorrow. I am going on a backpacking trip with my dad for a couple of days. We decided to go to Red Deer lake, which is seven miles outside of Camp Dick. I am excited to be back out in the woods, to see the sunset from a high peak, and to stumble over a camp stove while trying to make pasta. Life has and will continue to become more and more complex. With every new day comes more and more things that I must consider: should I be training for soccer? Do I want to do an internship during spring semester? I am poor and need some money to live. What am I going to so with my life post-graduation?

Being in the wilderness allows us to breath. It allows us to simply be. Wilderness doesn't have to be the Rocky Mountains or the Southern Alps, it is different for everyone. Some people find the peace that I receive from the mountains, in yoga, others in running, or maybe the local coffee shop. Either way, I am craving it right now. All I have to worry about is surviving. I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need shelter, and sometime I need to sleep. That is all. Somewhere between the trail head and the given destination, life is boiled down to its simplest form. My father would say, some mental real estate temporarily opens up. I can wonder. I can more easily reflect on what my creator has done for me. For some reason, my heart enters a state of worship and awe that isn't attainable in a sanctuary or meeting hall.

I am a little disappointed that we are only going to be able to be out there for a couple of days, but that it the way life is. I am thankful that I have this opportunity to spend time with my dad like this. We haven't been alone on a backpacking trip for a while, so I am anxious to see how it turns out.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
- Henry David Thoreau

I'm coming home...

I am in the Auckland airport right now, after leaving Christchurch at 7:00 this morning. Yesterday I took two finals, packed my flat up, and had to say goodbye to the people I have come to love very dearly. To be honest, I don't really know what I am feeling right now. I am not going to try and figure out what I am feeling, first because I am to tired, and second because it would be artificial.

I know that I am currently leaving one of the many stepping stones that will eventually lead to something. I think I have always known that studying abroad was just one of those steps towards an unknown destination, and because of that I am not to disappointed that it is over. Sure I will miss this beautiful country, but God' s glory isn't restricted to one island in the South Pacific. I m excited to see who is waiting for me on the next stepping stone, what experiences I will have, what I will learn, and how the past experiences will affect my future.

That is all I am going to say right now...I am really tired, and I am awful at sleeping in any place other than a bed. I hope to better understand what is going on in my head and heart soon, and when I figure it out I will probably let you know.

See you all very very soon.

Silence and Solitude

Recently I had the opportunity to go out and spend four days and three nights in the Hopkins Valley, alone. I had never done a solo, I don't consider myself a very contemplative person, and I am also an extrovert, so the thought of spending four days alone in the silent wilderness was very discomforting.

I would like to explain all of the details, but I will save them for a good face to face conversation over some tea or coffee, but all in all it was one of the most spectacular experiences I have had thus far. Initially I was very uncomfortable. I had never placed myself in such a vulnerable and revealing situation with myself and God. Like anything else, it took some getting used to. By the end of the second day I had reached a new and powerful comfortableness being alone with my creator. Until that point, sitting in the shadow of the Dasler Pinnacles, I had never been very comfortable simply "being" with God.

Time and time again, people have had massive, life changing, revelations during times of solitude. I can't say that my life took a massive turn once I got out of the bush, but I did learn a couple of amazing things. The first being, that to silence one's heart, mind and body before God takes a lot more work than I had previously thought. It was difficult and uncomfortable to reveal my heart, on such a one to one basis, with God. I wasn't scared to be alone so much as I was scared to be alone sitting face to face with my creator. God will always use silence, solitude and vulnerability to teach his disciples a thing or two.

The second thing that I learned was that the same force which is capable of splitting continents and creating mountains out of sheer granite, loves me, right now, with that same intensity and desire. The same God who made the Southern Alps, Rocky Mountains, and the Oregon Coast loves you and me with the same unwavering power. The implications of this are inconceivable. God's ability to use you and me to enact social change, and love people is huge. We are loved with a force powerful enough to create massive glaciated peaks, so why don't I act like it?

The third revelation was that I am always investing in God. I am always trying to win God's favor, which doesn't seem like a bad thing, but I don't think it is how we are supposed to live. This is from my journal that evening:

Something just dawned on me, thanks to the Ragamuffin Gospel. I am always trying to invest in God's favor. It seems like every choice I make can be boiled down to whether or not it will look good to God and his people or not. I am constantly trying to improve my eternal portfolio, Newsweek article here, serve some of my friends there. And, it is all done with the intention of building a resume. I think that this has major implication in my interactions with people as well. If they are "believers" than I quickly size them up. I compare their portfolio to mine. If theirs is less "impressive" than mine I feel as though I can help and be some sort of guidance. If my portfolio is less "impressive" than mine I look at them as a mentor, or somebody above me. If the person isn't a 'Christian' than I take a "sell but not to obvious" type of attitude. Hinting to them that they could start their own portfolios today if they wanted.

The problem with this is that it removes trust from my faith. Do I trust God enough to let him love me despite my flaws and weak resume. Nothing I can do will win any more, or any less, favor in God's eyes, so why do I always feel like everyone of my actions has consequences, be it good or bad, in the eyes of God?

Honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able enough to acknowledge this truth. Honesty brings an end to pretense through candid acknowledgement of our fragile humanity. It is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it. By rejecting my ragamuffin identity I am turning away from God, the community, and myself. I become a man obsessed with illusion and identity, a man of false power and fearful weakness, unable t think, act and love.

I suppose honesty before God takes the most fundamental risk of faith we can take. The risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our identity. To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as he is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life.

I would recommend to anyone that they should take at least some time to silence their hearts. It doesn't matter what you believe in, who, or what. Regardless, the time will not be in vein. I don't plan on isolating myself from society, but I do hope that I can take time out of my regular life, every once in a while, and listen to my creator. See what he has to say, about me and about the world I live in.

"I can't remember..."

After reading Bryce’s most recent blog I was reminded about this beautiful story which illustrates the gospel of grace perfectly:

Several years ago in a large city in the far west, rumors spread that a certain women was having visions of Jesus. The reports reached the archbishop, and he decided to check it out.
“Is it true ma’am that you have visions of Jesus?” asked the cleric.
“Yes,” the woman replied simply.
“Well the next time you have a vision, I want you to ask Jesus to tell you the sins that I confessed in my last confession.”
The woman was stunned. “Did I hear you right, bishop?” You actually want me to ask Jesus to tell me of all you sins?
“Exactly. Please call me if anything happens.”
Ten days later the women notified the bishop of a recent apparition. “Please come,” she said.
Within the hour the bishop arrived. He trusted eye to eye contact. “You just told me on the telephone that you actually had a vision of Jesus. Did you do what I asked?”
“Yes, bishop, I asked Jesus to tell me the sins that you last confessed.”
His Eyes narrowed in anticipation.
“What did Jesus say?”
She took his hand and gazed deep into his eyes. “Bishop,” she said, “these are his exact words… ‘I CAN’T REMEMBER.’”

Christianity happens when men and women accept with unwavering trust that their sins have not only been forgiven but forgotten, washed away in the blood of the Lamb. And this my friends is true freedom.

I hope...

I have had a number of friendships that have "fallen through." I have had a number of friendships that I gave up on, or stopped working at, simply because we had different moral standings. Many times I have disengaged myself with people simply because I thought that spending time with the person wouldn't be beneficial to my own faith. Today, I think I finally realized how ridiculous this all is, it took me 21 years to see how selfish a mindset like this can be. Intimate relationships are the most beautiful and heavenly things that we may experience in our lifetimes. We are capable, by the works of the Holy Spirit, to shed light on profound life altering truths for one another. The people who I engage in fellowship with have, time and time again, conveyed messages of love and grace to me, which I may have otherwise missed out on. I hope that I would be used to convey messages of hope, love and grace to people everyday. I hope that we, as a body of believers, strive to bring heaven to earth. I hope that we would be a group of people who value friendships, not just shallow friendships, but relationships that flow with conversation and messages of grace and love. I hope that we would be driven by a burning passion, and that individual passions would create purpose. I hope that our selfish desires don't wiggle their way into our already heavenly friendships. I pray that we would be a group of people who prioritize servant hood, both in a social context and within our community. Basically, I hope that by the time I reach heaven I will have had a taste of what it is going to be like, because I believe that it is possible, I believe I have already had a spoonful...and it tastes really good.

My dad arrives here in New Zealand tomorrow morning. I hope that the time we share here on the other side of the world would strengthen our relationship. Here's a picture of my dad and I snowshoeing in Colorado:

Intimate yet anonymous...

This past weekend Erik and I had the privilege of going to Queenstown. It has appropriately been named the adventure sports capitol of the world. While we were there we met an incredible group of people, which were kind enough to let us sleep on their floor, eat their food, and go out into town with them. It is funny how fast one can form such an intimate, yet completely anonymous relationship with another. During our time in Queenstown we shared about our pasts, dreamed about our futures, and discussed some of our struggles with complete strangers. It is exciting for me to be here, in New Zealand, forming countless intimate and anonymous relationships with people. Very few times in my life do I envision myself knocking on a random door asking if I could sleep on their floor, but people here, who are my age, do the very same thing regularly. I think a person needs to have these revealing, yet anonymous relationships in their life. Maybe this is the reason people are so drawn to the pub/coffee shop culture. By engaging with people in these settings we are revealing things about ourselves to someone, who previously had no idea about our pasts, personalities, values or beliefs. These relationships have the potential to shed valuable light as to who we really are. Our labels, accomplishments, failures, or previous actions are removed from the equation completely. When we engage with random people our behavior isn't viewed through any established lens, it is taken for face value, be it good or bad. I guess what I mean is this: when we engage in intimate and anonymous relationships we are given the opportunity to love for no agenda, and we are able to see if what we value in our own faiths is acted upon. I hope that all of my new friends Michelle, Wilson, Mike, Lindsay, Rosie, Hollis, and J.P. felt loved. I hope that our brief yet intimate interactions are valued, both by myself and them. Thanks for opening the door on Friday afternoon to what hopefully will be a multitude of very valuable friendships.

God, Guinness, and Grace

Some of you may know that I am turning the big twenty-one this Thursday. It is strange because I have waited for this day for a very long time, and now that it is here I seem to be forgetting about it. I have always been excited to be able to go to a pub and spend quality time with my brothers. In the same way, I have patiently awaited the day when I can go out on a date sip on some wine, and talk about life with someone. Both of these activities seem to be very innocent, but for some reason a large number of people I know would disagree. Since arriving here in New Zealand, where the drinking age is eighteen, I have thought a lot about legalism, and alcohol.

Within the Christian community alcohol has a very strong stigma attached to it. It doesn't matter where you go, whether you're in Longmont or the middle of wine country in Oregon, the majority of Christians would say that drinking is inappropriate, or unbiblical. Since about eighth grade I have been battered with the message that we should all stay away from alcohol, even more, drinking a beer has somehow turned into an eternal sin in many people's eyes. I suppose this is a picture perfect view of what legalism is, but what are the repercussions of being legalistic?

It is funny how we hear the “alcohol is from the devil” message, directly followed by a “God’s grace abounds” message. I am not saying that every Christian is overly legalistic, but I do think that legalism tries to sneak its way into all of our faiths. When I place my “legalistic lens” on to view God I see him as erratic unpredictable, and incapable of all manner of prejudices. When I view God this way I feel compelled to engage, or disengage, in some sort of behavior to appease him. Going to church on Sunday/Tuesday, becomes a superstitious insurance policy against his impulses. This God has expectations that are only fulfilled by perfection. When broken everyday people with this understanding of God fail, as the usually do, they expect some sort of twisted punishment. I can say that I have been here, broken and awaiting God’s punishment. So, what do I do? I continue to persevere in religious run-throughs, and I struggle to maintain a hollow image of a perfect self. The struggle itself is exhausting, and it can destroy our authenticity.

The beauty of all of this is that we do live shadowed under an inconceivable grace. By trusting in Gods consistent and faithful grace, we are able to be confident, free disciples. This is not to say we can act on any whim we have, but it does mean that we can live freely, engaging with one another…even if it is at a pub.