5500+ Miles

I took a really long road trip during Christmas break. 5800 miles, 23 states, lots of loved ones and one amazing romance. Courtney and I were humbled over and over by the generosity and love that was extended to us during our journey. It was a beautiful 23 days.

Rooftop Ruminations

I have arrived in Varanasi. Insects instantly clung to the stank smell that only thirty-five hours of travel can produce. As soon as I emerged from the cobalt blue sleeper car I was barraged on a number of senses. While I was still orienting myself a small man in a tailored pink button up shirt directed me to the exit. I quickly discovered that his immediate willingness to lend a hand was because he drove a motor rickshaw... damn rickshaw drivers. As soon as I was able, I was being ushered through hundreds of strewn out bodies littering the train station courtyard, most of which were alive, towards a very typical and obnoxious Indian Tuk Tuk stand.

"Where you going?" He asks in a typical Hindi-English accent.

"Old Yogi Lodge, near Sarkakand Gali," I respond with an appropriate amount of solidarity in my voice.

And then with a little gas and a few tugs on the starter we were off. Once again navigating our way through throngs of honking and constipated Indian traffic. Varanasi, like every other Indian city has a very distinct smell. All cities activate the same part of you olfactory center, but each is slightly different than the last. I suppose if you average a few million people, their pheromones and body odor, waste products and nourishment materials with a sensible dash of pollution and a few thousand head of cattle this is what you get. Strangely however, I have come to enjoy it. The honking and insistent amount of noise pollution bother me more than the grungy air that makes your lungs seize in bewilderment. When the air is completely saturated with pollution every sunset has a fiery crimson glow to it that isn't possible without man's harmful brushstrokes on creation.

India, I love it and i hate it. I want to get as far away as possible, but can not wait to come back. Strange as it may be, I think this will be a place I grow quite fond of... once I am gone. I know that sounds bad, but I think that people's appreciation for this place is best realized their second, third or even fourth time they come back. But the fact that they come back speaks loudly. The overwhelming amount of movement and activity in this place produces its own gravity. And, people come back. Understandable I guess. There is no way to shape any of our western/American schemas to prepare for any part of India. It is entirely different. Beautifully different.

Update...

I am in Charleston, South Carolina right now. It is a very beautiful place, accentuated by the one I am here with. I live in Winter Park, Colorado and work as a Photographer and server at a sushi restaurant. Life is good. I have started to work on a book, or a compilation of sorts. My time has been spent working on that project... 

I have never been to the South before, and today was the first time I have ever been in the Atlantic ocean apparently. It was quite a refreshing experience, the water was pretty cold. I have met a lot of great people, and my time with Courtney has been incredibly special. I met her parents for the first time with a knife inserted into my skull. We went out to a nice restaurant with her entire family, and I proceeded to throw up three times in the bathroom. I was quiet, reserved and incredibly sensitive to her brother's cologne. I had a migraine. Awesome first impression I must say. The next day was much better, for everyone. 

I am leaving for India in about three months. The butterflies are starting to come out of their cocoons in my stomach. For Christmas I received a Lonely Planet "India" guide... let the research begin. Right now, I am thinking about going to Delhi, Old Delhi, Agra, Varanasi, New Jalpaiguri and Darjeeling. If you are reading this and have any recommendations, please don't hesitate to comment on this entry and share. I think I will be working pretty hard for the next two months or so. It is kind of crunch time in the financial department. 

I hope that all is well in bloggerville. More soon, I promise. 

Here it is...

I would like to apologize to those of you who frequent this blog. For a number of months you have stopped by only to discover, once again, that I did not write anything. I want to tell you that I have been writing. I have actually been writing more frequently than ever before. My recent ramblings however, have been increasingly more personal in nature, and to be honest I haven't really wanted to post them on the world wide web.

Recently, I have begun to dabble in poetry, and hopefully, one day soon I will share it with you. Until then however, it will live in the confines of my little black moleskin journal. If you have mastered the ways of deceit and thievery you may be able to sneak a peak... but an easier way to hear/read some of this would be to go on a walk or sit across a table from me with a caffeinated beverage in hand. If however you live far away and we cannot look each other eye to eye, then I must first say that I probably miss you. Secondly, I would say that emails work pretty well. And, thirdly I would request your address because handwritten letters have become my new favorite (like red snow cones). 

So there it is. I hope that all of you are doing well. Oh yeah, don't forget to vote...

Peace and Love. 

Amalgamation Station

 

Amalgamate - (verb) to combine or unite to form one organization or structure. 

What an appropriate word for what is going on right now. I feel like my life has so many parts that have been coming together and falling apart for the last twenty-two years. Friendships, relationships, family, houses, locations, jobs, activities and responsibilities. All have been coming and going for the entirety of my life. Sometimes I wonder if the adjectives 'predictable' or 'regular' will ever be used to describe my life. Sometimes I wish that my life would be more predictable or regular. Sometimes I wish I could understand what all of the components of my life will end up being. There are other times however, when I bask in spontaneity. There are times when the most beautiful parts of my life are the irregular and unpredictable occurrences. Right now is one of those times. 

"Sure, I'll go to Alaska," I say.

"Of course I will ride bikes down to the lake and go cliff jumping at one in the morning."

"You're exposing all of the things I thought were secrets," someone says. 

"I almost bought a plane ticket to Bangkok today... " 

Life is unpredictable. It is messy, uncontrollable, counterproductive, and difficult. Life is an amalgamation of emotions, experiences, goodbyes and hellos, interactions, frustrations, and relationships. Life is indeed, beautifully composed. 

Fish, Fish and More Fish

I am currently in Bristol Bay, Alaska right now sitting in a random library that has incredibly slow internet. I think I am about to get kicked off so I will make this short. It has been an incredible experience being a commericial fisherman, it is an entirely different world up here. One that relies on tides rather than days, poundage rather than dollars, and four hours of broken sleep rather than eight. Our boat did very well this year, thanks to a great crew and an incredibly meticulous camp manager who happens to be Krystal's brother. I am bringing home more sockeye salmon that I could ever eat, and I hope to cook up some great family dinners. Right now, I am going to go to Fishtival, which marks the end of the commercial fishing season here in Naknek, Alaska. Maybe I will find myself at an incredibly salty local bar this evening, and if things get real crazy I may sing some kareoke at the local fishermans club... I will post more once I return to the lower forty-eight. I look forward to seeing everyone soon! Peace and love.

Going to Mexico... apparently.

Yesterday evening, around 6:00 pm I was sitting on a couch with two of my friends discussing spring break plans. We are all done with class today at 4:00, and we decided that we should figure out what we were doing for the next twelve days. The conversation went like this:

Chris: "Should we go north or south? Because, if we went north we could hang out in Canada, and I love Canadians. "

Drew: "We should go south."

Chris: "Okay, where?"

Drew "I dunno..."

Chris: "We could go to Yosemite and San Francisco. All I know is that I want to spend Easter on top of a sweet mountain."

Drew: "Can we go to a sweet black baptist church?"

Chris: "I don't think there will be a sweet black baptist church in Yosemite, I actually don't think there will be any church in Yosemite."

Drew: "Oh, yeah."

Ryan: (First time sharing any desire about our trip) "I don't want to go camping really, I actually don't want to go to San Francisco either, my family is from there and I have been there a lot of times."

Chris: "I have never been there, why don't you want to go?"

Ryan: "There are only three things 

to do in San Francisco, Fisherman's Wharf, Alcatraz, 

and the Golden Gate Bridge, beyond that it is just steep streets and weird people. I want to go to a beach and wear flip flops."

Chris: "I am not going to southern California."

Drew: " ... "

Ryan: " ... "

Chris: " We are gonna go to Ensenada, Mexico, and drink Pacificos and eat shrimp tacos while throwing the frisbee on the beach."

Drew: "Alright."

Ryan: "I don't even care where we go, just as long as the streets aren't steep."

So, here we are getting ready to drive a long way to some undisclosed beach in Mexico. I am excited, I love our neighbors down south. I just hope some of my spanish speaking skills come back on the drive down. We wanted to find a fourth person to go with us, and we happened to call a huge muscly Hawaiin guy named Keoni. He changed his work schedule around and decided to come too. Between drew and Keoni there will be at least 500 lbs of muscle sitting in my car, they are warriors. Drew's passport was in Seattle so his dad mailed it to his friend's house in San Diego, so hopefully that will be there too. 

With all that said, adios amigos, have a great spring break. 

The Team

Drew Ragan, aka DJ Daddy Fat Lats

Ryan Smith, aka Young Ryan

Keone Tawata

Chris "Naked Lady"

DSM-IV

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is the psychologist's bible. It is enduring its sixth revision and in its 886 pages are the diagnostic criteria, treatment options and insurance coverage requirements to over 295 mental disorders. It was first published in 1952, by the American Psychiatric Association, and was adopted from an earlier classification system developed by the Bureau of the Census. Its first edition had only 106 mental disorders and quickly grew to 182 disorders with the release of the DSM-II. Early texts reflected the predominant psychiatry. In other words, symptoms were not specified explicitly, but were referenced as mere reflections of broader underlying conflicts or abnormal reactions to life problems. 

Since the introduction of the DSM-II, many contributions have been made by a variety of professionals. Of these contributions are 115 additional disorders,  the removal of more than twenty disorders (homosexuality, menopausal stress disorder and neurosis to name a few) a multitude of categories were renamed (ex: Bi-Polar disorder changed to Manic-Depressant Disorder), diagnostic criteria were updated and included symptom profiles, social and relational factors were also considered within the diagnostic criteria. As of right now, the DSM is undergoing another revision, which is expected to be released in early 2012. 

The DSM-IV is also used by more people than ever before. Historically, it was primarily used by mental health professionals to communicate a patient's diagnosis after an evaluation, but hospitals, clinics, insurance companies, counselors, and even school teachers have cracked it open to "gain a better understanding" of their patients, clients and students behaviors.  As you may have guessed, this has wrought a slew of political, relational and economic controversy. 

So why did I just give you a three paragraph history of something that you probably have never even heard of? Well, within the past week my eyes have been opened to the many criticisms concerning the use and misuse of this widely circulated book. One of my close friends has been sharing his struggles with the mental health industry on his blog, which has contributed to the awaking I have had during the last couple of weeks. If you are interested in a more personal account than check his blog out here. Also, there are many professional criticisms surrounding the DSM. 

Many believe that the practical reliability of the DSM suffers because it is based on statistical criteria rather than sound, interaction based, accounts. Others still believe that the DSM unjustly categorizes disorders, and that it fails to provide a thorough representation of the available evidence concerning the various disorders. Recently, Keyes (2006) wrote about the DSM's failure to acknowledge the importance of mental health. He argues that physicians and psychotherapists have placed too much emphasis on the eradication of mental illness, rather than the improvement of mental health. He released a convincing study showing the parallel nature of the two, and later discussed whether or not the mental health community should pursue mental health or the "curing" of mental illnesses. Naturally, whichever option we pursue, there will be pros and cons. 

Whether you support, disagree with, or have never had, or never will, have an opinion on this it is important to understand how our physicians decide whether or not we are crazy. Sadly I can't write any more about this right now. I am at Powell's Books in downtown Portland and the parking meter on my car ran out a while ago. Considering I have $40 dollars to my name right now, I am going to go so as not to get a ticket. I will write more later. 

The Mission:

To get home for Christmas with car, road bike and gear.

I just drove 17 hours from Bend, Oregon to Longmont, Colorado. I didn't stop for food. I stopped for gas three times, and I stopped to pee two times. I didn't get pulled over until I was in Fort Collins, and it was because my left tire crossed into the other lane, and the CSU policeman thought I was drunk. I wasn't, I was just weary. Along the way I listened to Paolo Nutini quite a bit, he is a new favorite. During the four hundred mile drive across Wyoming, I listened to the Colbie Caillet album three times, and yes, I was singing very loudly to every song. Another favorite was the New Zealand Mix, featuring great artists as: Fat Freddies Drop, Katchafire, Mason Jennings, Marc Brusard, David Crowder and Matt Kearney. In total it took 17 hours. I got home at 3 in the morning and now it is 11, and I want to play.

I had a significant amount of time to think about life, my purpose, plans and direction. I am not going to write them on here yet, part because I don't want to spend to much time on the computer right now, but also because I want to digest them a little bit. Also, I would rather have a face to face conversation with people about my recent musings. It was a good journey, one that I will have to make in a month again in a month and a half.

I am home. Give me a call.

I just dropped my laptop

So, I have been working pretty hard on a number of school assignments, which will contribute to my graduating on time. They were coming along very nicely, especially the 12 page paper on selective serotonin re uptake inhibitor use and akathasia, and the semester long statistical analysis project on the demand for renewable energy as a proportion of total energy expenditures by state. As most of you know the two weeks before finals are often times much worse than actual finals week. Most in part, because the type of projects I previously described are due, but also because you are ready to stop talking about the same stuff in the same classes and go home and have fun. That is where my head is at, and will probably be at for the next two weeks.

Especially now that I dropped my laptop.

It was pretty fast. Similar to a car accident, or getting shot in the arm. You know how it is, one second your having a conversation about camping and hot springs, and the next you are standing on the side of thee highway because you got rear ended. Similarly, one moment your holding your backpack with your laptop safe and secure, and the next it falls to ground.

Now it won't turn on. I can't get the twelve page paper on SSRIs and suicidality, or the Renewable energy research project. I feel like Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller in Zoolander. You mean the files are in the computer?

I have been frantically e-mailing my professors trying to buy myself time, but it is Sunday and apparently they aren't on campus seven days a week beckoning to every student's call. Bummer.

I did buy a road bike though, so that is cool. To bad there is a hurricane hitting Oregon right now.

"If you ain't got no money, take your BROKE ass home..."

I broke my nose today, and it hurts pretty bad. My eyes are beginning to swell up and I can't breath that well. I got hit in the head with an elbow while trying to win a header. During my time laying on the bed putting ice on my face I have thought about a couple of things:

1) It is pretty impressive that I haven't actually broken my nose until now. Think about how many times in soccer you jump as high as you can and try to literally slam your head into the ball, right next to multiple other people, with elbows, and fists trying to do the very same thing.

2) After I broke it I went in to see the doctor in the training room and he actually put a pencil in my mouth, told me to take a breath, and proceeded to pop it back into place as best as he could...twice.

3) I had never ever had a bloody nose until today, no joke. Take that Collin.

4) I wonder how many X-rays a person has to get without that funny lead bib that they always give you before you actually get testicular cancer.

5) Hopefully I will be able to breath better through my nose, after it heals of course. I have always been a mouth breather, maybe this will change things, oh I can only hope.

6) Part of me hopes I get addicted to wearing the nose guard, that way I can have a trade mark...just like Richard Hamilton.

Welp, that's all I got for right now. I will probably post some pictures of my face once all the blood pools in my eye sockets, and it looks as grotesque and possible. I love you all. Keep it real.

I

I am sitting here listening to Tristan Prettyman's newest album titled Twentythree. It is very good, but it is making me miss home quite a lot.

I found a pretty gross picture of me from the Dusky track trip. I currently have a smile on my face after seeing it, so I am going to put it on here so maybe you will have a smile on your face as well.

I was sick all last weekend with an awful 102 degree fever. It made my entire body hurt all over, to the point where I couldn't get out of bed. I would get so cold I had to put on long underwear, down jacket, wool socks and a beanie so that I could climb into my down sleeping bag underneath my heavy comforter, only to have to take everything off and lay down on the floor in my boxers cause I was sweating profusely.

I just finished Leif Enger's Peace Like a River last night at three in the morning. I had tears persistently rolling down my cheeks for at least twenty pages of the book. If you have read it then you know the power that "I've been there and am going back. Make of it what you will." can have.

I am currently working on an academic paper about social perception. Essentially the paper is analyzing why one individual who is mocked his entire life turns that social experience into motivation for greatness, whereas another uses the same social stimuli to fuel a brutal killing spree.

I am eagerly anticipating Brianne's arrival. It will be absolutely wonderful to have her here. I have realized that I know a lot about Brianne, but I don't know Brianne as well as I would like to. I hope that her time here is a relaxing break, and that her and Erik's relationship grows because of their time spent together in another country.

I am blogging about whatever is coming to mind. Mainly to serve as a mental break/cool down from writing my paper, but also to feed my blogging desire. Make of it what you will.