Do I Even Try...

How do I do this?

Both photography and writing fall disappointingly short at conveying the magnitude of emotions that even the simplest of experiences illicit. I sit here reflecting on the Killing Fields, staring at a dissipating lake, trying to peace together sentences and poignant fragments, to somehow capture the truth that can be, not learned, but felt while playing with a Cambodian orphan. I put pen to paper or fingertip to shutter, but am consistently disappointing by my results.

I believe that only the most artistic of souls can capture the sheer weight of our experiences. Can I begin to do it? Should I even try? My answer, to my own question, is a resounding "Yes." I will try to compose moving and meaningful images and I will attempt to paint literary portraits. Not to fulfill any goals or to meet any standard, but instead to explore what it is that I experienced. By writing I am reflecting, and by reading I am remembering. These two, or four, acts help me to build my own world, or my perspective of it, a little more thoroughly. It is only then that my heart and my soul fall in line with what I was trying to accomplish by traveling in the first place. To be changed.

So, as Ernesto "Che" Guavero writes in The Motorcycle Diaries, "The The person who writes these notes passed away the moment his feet hit Argentinian soil. The person who reorganizes and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I am not the person I once was." The man who writes these words that you are reading right now is different than the man who experienced what they are a response to, and in much the same, but entirely different way, the person who re-reads them over again will be different than the one who first jotted them down.

It is my hope that this process continues as I move away from this crazy capitol city. I hope that the process not only continues, but in fact perpetuates further change as I go to Siem Reap, Ko Chang, Bangkok and back on home to America. I suppose in writing this a new discovery was made: The greatest hope of my life's journey is that relationships, cultures and experiences continue to perpetuate change, growth and a more active pursuit of love in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul.

Everything or Nothing

What philosophy to you subscribe more to: ''Everything is Nothing'', ''Nothing is Everything'' or ''Everything is Everything?''

This is taken from a journal entry from a couple of days ago:

Drew leaves in two days. I am very sad that he won't be with us anymore. In a way it feels as though all of our trips are ending with his, but then I remember the beautiful things we have packed into any two week period prior to this one. Surely it will be different, but it will also be good. I look forward to see the way our group dynamic changes after this amazing brother's absence.

He makes all of us laugh a lot with his insistent rap lyrics and off-the-wall ghetto vocab. He is and will forever be one of my best friends. He has imparted in me new and rewarding types of confidence that I never thought possible. He has allowed me to take it easy. Most importantly however, he has helped me to see the world for what it is. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less.

I always struggle to convey how important and meaningful a person is to me, how much I value the time I spend with them, or how much I care about their role in this kingdom. But I can never convey all that I feel. Not an entirely unique struggle I would imagine, but what if we could fully love someone. Fully show them their worth. And, fully experience how much I am worth. As I dreamt about earlier on this trip, maybe that is a part of heaven, being able to love transparently and to be loved fully.

Drew has the unique ability to convey how much my friendship means to him. Conversations are not forced, or are they overwhelmingly frequent but they are powerful. The time we have spent speaking to one another about family, love, relationships and people have been incredibly valuable, and irreplaceable. This dream I have had about a more transparent and thorough love has come closer and closer to fruition because of my time spent with Drew.

I am so thankful that he came on this trip, that he has taken the time to be here with us. I have left many of our conversations with a more beautiful understanding of what this kingdom is really about. We all came on this trip to expand our world view and to see more of the world, but more so, he came on this trip to invest in me, Erik and Jordan. To try and love us more fully.

I look forward to our brotherhood. I look forward to exploring more of this beautiful world with you. Never stop seeing people and places for what they are. Everything is Everything.

So, there is this girl...

I have had a number of requests to update the world as to my relationship status. Because I don't really know everyone who reads this, I am not going to go into much depth, but I can say that there is this girl who is incredible. I have known Courtney for quite some time now. We met for the first time at a church in Seattle the summer after my freshman year in college. We ended up spending a month together in British Columbia at a summer camp. Our lives were entirely different when we first met, and over the course of the last three years our paths have meandered their way into one another's. The last six months have been filled with a grace that I have never experienced. Our interactions are divine, and the phrase "beyond my wildest dreams" has become realized. Her creativity and confidence change hearts. Her sincerity and beauty reflect the love of our creator. And, her integrity and intentionality inspire me every single day. We have journeyed together in Colorado, California, Oregon, South Carolina and North Carolina. I look forward to breaking the mold, wandering together alongside the divine nobodies of this world in pursuit of truth, grace and love.  She is planning on moving to Denver this summer to change the world, or at least this part of it. The prospect of living life by her side excites me to no end, companionship is great... Okay that is all you get (if you even wanted any in the first place.) If you want to know more I would probably be more than happy to tell you about grace. I hope that all of you are doing well. Peace and Love. 

One

There is a love that binds us. 

A love that spans great distances, 

experiential differences, 

emotional disturbances. 

Love.

There is a love that accepts us.

Fulfilling fruitfulness in rest, 

waging warfare in romance,

hearts pining for the One.

Hope.

There is a love that speaks to us.

Sword of compassion in the right,

white horse patiently waiting,

battles ready to be fought.

Peace.

There is a love that builds us.

Kingdoms that move,

souls willing to fall inline,

dynamic landscapes made perfect. 

Wonder. 

There is a love that unites us.

Hearts worth fighting for,

pure and spotless intimacy,

side by side for the One. 

Grace. 

Amalgamation Station

 

Amalgamate - (verb) to combine or unite to form one organization or structure. 

What an appropriate word for what is going on right now. I feel like my life has so many parts that have been coming together and falling apart for the last twenty-two years. Friendships, relationships, family, houses, locations, jobs, activities and responsibilities. All have been coming and going for the entirety of my life. Sometimes I wonder if the adjectives 'predictable' or 'regular' will ever be used to describe my life. Sometimes I wish that my life would be more predictable or regular. Sometimes I wish I could understand what all of the components of my life will end up being. There are other times however, when I bask in spontaneity. There are times when the most beautiful parts of my life are the irregular and unpredictable occurrences. Right now is one of those times. 

"Sure, I'll go to Alaska," I say.

"Of course I will ride bikes down to the lake and go cliff jumping at one in the morning."

"You're exposing all of the things I thought were secrets," someone says. 

"I almost bought a plane ticket to Bangkok today... " 

Life is unpredictable. It is messy, uncontrollable, counterproductive, and difficult. Life is an amalgamation of emotions, experiences, goodbyes and hellos, interactions, frustrations, and relationships. Life is indeed, beautifully composed. 

Happy Birthday Bryan!!!

 Today my roommate, Bryan Alford, is turning twenty-one. I am excited about this because there have been many times during the last semester that I wanted to do things requiring you to be twenty-one, and he couldn't participate. If you don't know Bryan than let me tell you he is a passionate, loving individual who seeks intimacy and depth. 

Bryan, you have become an true brother. You have an incredible ability to be who you are, regardless of what people think, say or do. Your zeal for depth has carried you down many unique roads, and I am sure that your future will be no different. God does a seemingly strange job sometimes at introducing critical people into your life, and you have turned out to be just that, critical. You have taught me many things, most of which are yet to be realized. Our friendship has deepened over the past three years, but I can say over the past six months it has truly flourished. I have loved being your roommate. I am excited to grow along this journey of life with you as a friend. Thank you for everything. Happy birthday brother. 

Fifteen Minutes...GO!!!

I am sitting here and I couldn't narrow down all of the crazy thoughts going on inside my head, so I decided just to write for five minutes straight and see what comes of it. 

A couple of days a go a great friend of mine left Portland to fly across the country to New York City. If any of you know Frank then you know that he is an incredibly passionate, eccentric, and unique individual. The best way to describe our seventeen day road trip through the west side of this beautiful country is...exceptional. Frank has never been to Colorado, Wyoming, Montana or Idaho, so we decided to drive from Longmont to Portland. On the way we stopped in Wyoming, Bozeman (for a week), Missoula, Cors de Lane, and the Dalles. It was a seventeen day trip, that was filled with great people, conversation, skiing, amazing food, wonderful weather, old friends, new friends, and a couple discoveries within those already existing friendships. When Frank flew out of Portland on Sunday night it felt as though I was coming down off a drug. The way he inspires and ignites a person into action is unlike anyone I have ever met. With all that said, Thank you for prioritizing our friendship. Thank you for coming here and for helping me reignite something within myself.

Last night as our local college ministry I was sitting there worshipping and could not stop thinking about what I would say if Jesus asked me what he asks his disciples, "what is it that you know about me?" I kept thinking about the implications of this question. Many would give Jesus the answer that they think he wants to hear. They would summarize the historical understanding of Jesus. Others would give Jesus an inflated understanding, exaggerating what they know and leaving out all the bits that they don't. I would imagine that I would try an impress his with what I have to say. I would tell paraphrase Brian McLaren's understanding, toss in a little of C.S. Lewis' and maybe sprinkle a bit of Rob Bell on top, but Jesus wants none of that. Jesus wants our experience, more specifically our relationship, to provide his truth. He wants us to have an active relationship filled with the confusion, doubts, struggles and joys that come with it. So, as I was sitting in church I was thinking about how I would answer this question. As I was thinking about this I went to the side of the room where the lord's supper was. I walked up grabbed a piece of bread and a small half ounce glass of grape juice. I slowly walked back to my place, while in deep worship, and thought even more how I would answer his question. While deep in thought, prayer and worship I took the bread to my mouth. Jesus seemed to have helped me out in answering his own questions. My eyes were closed, and I instantly saw the smiles, tears, hugs and laughter of hundreds of people that I care about. I couldn't get the faces of my best friends, family and serogant brothers out of my minds eye. Jesus has manifested his self, and more importantly his truth, in us. 

I am starting school and am excited about what that means. In five months I will have two degrees. In five months I will no longer be financially dependent on my family. In five months I may be riding my bike across the west side of this country. In five months a new world will suddenly stand before me.

(Sorry for the poor grammar and sentence structure)

To my brothers,

I know this is way after the fact, but I wanted to tell Erik and Kyle thank you for driving all the way to Oregon to spend thanksgiving week with me. I had an amazing time with both of you guys. It means a lot that you would sacrifice your time off of school, drive all the way here (Kyle 17 hours and Erik 14 hours), and give up being with your families to come and step into my life here in Oregon.

Kyle, you have and continue to be one of the most faithful people I know. You told me you were going to visit everyone while they are at school, I was one of the last that you hadn't seen yet, and you made it happen. I am glad that you didn't go insane during the 1200 mile trek alone. All of my friends here in Oregon have officially fallen in love with you, and they don't stop talking about your Mexican lasagna. It was great to have you around for a random week in November, when I otherwise wouldn't be able to have my cup-o-Kyle until Christmas time. Thank you my friend.

Erik, it always amazes me how much you love and care about this community of people that we are a part of. Your willingness to come out here to Oregon to be with your brothers continues to echo in my heart. When you are around I realize how much you have become a part of my identity, it may sound strange but it is true. It was really great to spend Thanksgiving with family this year. Over the past eight years you have become more and more like a brother to me, and eating Turkey, playing football, and hanging out over Thanksgiving break makes us one step closer. Thanks.

I look forward to seeing both of you, as well as everyone else, in a week and a half. I will be driving home to Colorado this time, in my new car. I have found a couple of people off of Craigslist who are going to ride with me, and hopefully pitch for some gas money. I can't wait to celebrate this holiday season with everyone...be ready it is going to be great.

Portland or Bust...

I wanted to quickly explain why I haven't been blogging as of late. Two weeks ago I was completely in over my head in school work, last week I had two tests and two papers, and this week Kyle has driven eighteen hours to come and visit me for Thanksgiving week. Erik is leaving Bozeman, Montana in the midst of a blizzard to drive here today. Yes, they are amazing, I am incredibly thankful for these two guys who took it on themselves to get to Portland this Thanksgiving holiday. Just to let you know...by the time you both return to your respective institutions you will have driven for a combined total of 50 hours. Bad ass. For those of you who are not making the trek to Portland this week I miss you dearly and can't wait to see you when I get home for Christmas.

Have an amazing Thanksgiving with your loved ones.

Power of Compound Interest

“The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest.”
~ Albert Einstein

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, sipping on my favorite Chai, and thinking about the last ten months of my life. Strange at it may be, I decided to write an e-mail to one of my dear friends that I met while in New Zealand. His name is Frank, and I have briefly blogged about him earlier this year, but for some reason I had a hankering to see how he was doing. I had some frustrations on my heart that I new he would be able to relate to, and I wanted to see how he was doing.

We ended up having a great conversation about current struggles, joys and experiences, but what was most meaningful was something that he said at the very end of the conversation. He told me that he has been thinking a lot about the aforementioned Einstein quote and its relational implications. Sure, compound interest is an incredible investment tool, capable of increasing ones wealth at a staggering rate, but what does this mean for my life as a whole?

Frank went on to explain how he has met a bunch of great people over the last couple of years in his worldwide travels, and keeping in touch with all of those people has been incredibly difficult, and at times overwhelming. As many of those who read this know, a large percentage of my closest friends are apart from one another most of the time. God has splattered us all over North America, tossing us into a variety of college, work, marital, and missionary environments. Keeping in touch over the past three years hasn't gotten easier either. Frank and I were discussing the frustrations that come with being apart from those you love and care about. There are so many times throughout the week when I want to call a close friend and see how they are doing, but I always talk myself out of it. I think to myself, "I don't have two hours to talk right now, I should probably wait until I do..." I succeed in rendering myself worthless.

Back to the quote, "The greatest force in the world is compound interest," I began to think about how I could apply this to my friendships. Basically I realized that two and half hour conversations aren't necessary to maintain, or even enhance, a relationship. All that I need to do is invest in that friendship. Simple, twenty minute conversations can yield incredible results. Trusting that God will use that precious time is a necessary component to any relationship, and I haven't been doing a very good job at that lately. I need to remember that God can and will use my meager efforts to do good.

To think that my efforts, are going to be used as a tool by my creator is pretty amazing. Even more, to think that my insufficient attempts will be made sufficient after God has his way with them is both encouraging and empowering. The same force that paints every sunset wants your and my friendship to be amazing. God wants us to experience the love and community he intended, and from my limited experience, he has helped us out when we fall short. That indeed is the greatest force I can think of.

Confidence. Trust. Community.

I told all of my fellow defenders that I loved them and that I wouldn't want to play defense alongside anybody else. The way the opposing forwards responded was hilarious. First, because they probably thought we were joking around, but continued to make fun of us by calling us gay. Second, because they realized that what we had just told one another was for the most part true. And that seriously decreased their chances for having any chance to score a goal.

Initially we didn't play very well today, I think it was because none of us were very confident. After half time we had our bonding moment on the field, that I mentioned above, and we began to play with a lot more confidence. It is amazing to see how your own level of play is changed when you know that there are ten other guys on the field who have got your back. About twenty minutes into the second half "Little Guy, Travis Isaacs" scored a great goal, and that was it. To the spectators the game probably wasn't that great, but for the four dumb defenders in the back (including myself in that statement) it was a very valuable learning experience. It has been a great season so far, and we are only three games into it. I am excited to see how we perform, but even more excited to see what comes of this year relationally...because so far it has been very rewarding.

As of right now we are 3-0. We just beat the Pomona-Pitzer Gamehens, which I think is one of the worst (but impressively) original mascots I have ever heard of, just behind the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs of course. Aaron, you are one of the most insightful people I have ever met, but I have to say that the majority of the guys on the Pomona team did a very poor job at displaying the intelligence that most have paid a lot of money to acquire. We play again on Sunday, until then we are going to spend a lot of time in our hotel in Tacoma.

I suppose the lesson of the day is that confidence, trust, and community is a pretty powerful combination. With that said, I love you guys, and I got your back.

Flip Flop...

Soccer practice in fifty-four minutes.

We had an amazing weekend on the pitch. We beat a top ten ranked team at home under the lights Friday night. I had never played soccer in front of that many people before, some said that there was over five hundred Linfield fans there. All I know is that my throat went hoarse trying to yell over the awesome chants, and heckling fans.

Time management has become necessary again, for the first time in nearly ten months.

My classes are crazy this semester. I am taking two senior seminar classes, one mathematics based Economics class, and Drugs and Behavior, which is a pharmacology class involving rats...mine happens to be names Archimedes.

I want to keep blogging a priority, but it will be difficult.

I miss a lot of people, and look forward to sporadic conversations over the phone. It will be exciting to see the ways that all of us respond to graduating, moving away from home, marriage, new jobs, etc. We will always be experiencing change in our lives, but it seems like the next twelve months may yield the highest levels of combined change yet.

I have loved spending time in fellowship with the guys from my team, they are all awesome.

I have been reflecting on the summer a lot lately and it scares me to think that it may have been the last "Colorado Summer." I don't know if I will be here in Oregon after I graduate, but I know that I won't be living in my house, with my parents, in Longmont, during the the summer ever again.

Soccer practice in thirty-two minutes, I have to go.

Since being back in Colorado I haven't really thought about New Zealand as much as I would have liked. I have spent a significant amount of time sitting and reflecting, but I never seem to think about my coming home from a distant country, that I lived in for five months. Many people have asked me what I learned, how I have changed, or what I will do with my experiences. And, every time I respond with some sort of constructed answer, mainly so that the conversation will continue, hopefully shedding actual light on my experiences. The truth of the matter is that I have no idea what I learned, I am not sure how I have changed, and my future is just as unknown as before I left.

I began to re-read parts of my journal that I kept while in New Zealand, and I stumbled across a section that I wrote just before coming home. Erik and I were great friends prior to going, but spending nearly every minute of five months together proved to be both testing and incredibly rewarding. For all intensive purposes Erik and I were married, aside from the whole romantic, intimate, sex stuff. We shared our money, a car, the apartment, and nearly all decisions...basically everything. With that in mind:

"I am sitting in the Brasilia Coffee shop, for what could be the last time. Everyone flew in yesterday. Today they all went to hike up Avalanche peak and I opted to stay here for a much needed 'chill out day.' I have begun to read Jill Fredston's 'Rowing to Latitude.' It is about a husband and wife's kayak journey through the Arctic circle. She constantly uses rowing metaphors to explain aspects of her life and experiences.

She mentions that whenever she goes on a trip with her husband she has to take on 'expedition behavior.' Jill describes expedition behavior as: 'It involves a conscious commitment to get along despite physical exigencies and personal idiosyncrasies. How much you disagree with a person at times becomes irrelevant. It is your responsibility to be amicable and to work to diminish your own offensive habits, even if you are convinced you don't have any.'

It is interesting to read this and try to think about all that I have learned since arriving here. For the first time in my life I have experienced what it is like to be around somebody the vast majority of the time, and how to behave to preserve both experiences and friendships. Erik and I have spent more time together than ever before, and maybe ever again. This testing and exciting stage in our friendship is coming to a close. Many have thought, including myself at times, that there would be arguments, resentments, and turmoil. But, there hasn't. I appreciate Erik for asking me straight out if I am being bothered by him, and I appreciate his willingness to diminish his own offensive habits for the sake of our expedition. There have been times when an argument was likely, but it never happened.

Right now I am sitting in Christchurch while Erik is taking his family and friends out on an incredible adventure. This time to reflect on his and my friendship was unanticipated, but like any other this "chill out session," as it has become known, has proved very rewarding. It has been incredible to have such a great friend and brother to go on this journey with. The lessons that we have both learned these past five months are sure to be priceless. We have both matured in ways that are to complex to understand right now, but are sure to be valuable well into the future. Thanks for blessing us with the grace to forgive, and the drive to understand one another. "

Thank you Erik for overlooking my inadequacies. Thanks for saying what was on your mind when I wasn't willing to share what was on mine. Thanks for making it a point to excuse my idiosyncrasies and selfishness. Thank you Erik for what was and will continue to be a great expedition.

Home again home again jiggity jig...

I arrived back in colorful Colorado exactly a week ago today, and there has been a whirlwind of events since my arrival. Two of my dear friends, Bryce and Kate, got married last Saturday and they are now on their honeymoon in Mexico. Erik and I were members of the wedding party among other great friends of mine. During the three days leading up to the wedding we had some awesome time with Bryce and the fellas.

I realized that the love and affection Bryce has for Kate, and vice versus, is just another beautiful testament to God's glory. In the same way I stare in awe at sunsets or huge mountains, I found myself staring in amazement at the way God has created these two people to perfectly accentuate the other. It was incredible to reflect on the years I have known Bryce, and see how beautifully Kate has impacted his life. Basically, this past week I found myself in a state wonder. Wondering how, and why, we are all so blessed.

I don't have to pay to put pictures on the Internet anymore so I am posting a few pictures from the last couple of weeks I was in New Zealand. The majority of them are from the West Matukituki Valley near Mount Aspiring. I have not had the time to digest my experiences coming home, as a matter of fact I haven't even unpacked all my bags, but as soon as I have more thoughts I will be sure to post.

I'm coming home...

I am in the Auckland airport right now, after leaving Christchurch at 7:00 this morning. Yesterday I took two finals, packed my flat up, and had to say goodbye to the people I have come to love very dearly. To be honest, I don't really know what I am feeling right now. I am not going to try and figure out what I am feeling, first because I am to tired, and second because it would be artificial.

I know that I am currently leaving one of the many stepping stones that will eventually lead to something. I think I have always known that studying abroad was just one of those steps towards an unknown destination, and because of that I am not to disappointed that it is over. Sure I will miss this beautiful country, but God' s glory isn't restricted to one island in the South Pacific. I m excited to see who is waiting for me on the next stepping stone, what experiences I will have, what I will learn, and how the past experiences will affect my future.

That is all I am going to say right now...I am really tired, and I am awful at sleeping in any place other than a bed. I hope to better understand what is going on in my head and heart soon, and when I figure it out I will probably let you know.

See you all very very soon.

Firelit Climbing Session...

This past weekend my eccentric friend Frank and I went to Dunedin and did some climbing, at Long Beach. I knew Frank through another one of my friends from Linfield, prior to coming here. Before I ever communicated with him I knew quite a lot about his character, passions, and overall personality, but until this weekend I just knew about him, rather than actually knowing him. Over the course of the weekend we had some incredible conversations about life, goals, and relationships. One of the most incredible things about Frank is how much he loves people. He values random encounters, deep long lasting friendships, and romantic relationships more than anything else in this world. Every adventure he ever goes on involves meeting people, getting to know them, and ultimately forming some sort of relationship with them. Frank never passes up a hitchhiker, and upon entry he always offers food, water, and great conversation. After being with Frank for four days I realized how much I could learn from him. I realized that every single person can drastically influence my life, no matter how long they are in it. I suppose this blog is a "thank you" of sorts. I am not sure if he will read it, but Thanks anyway. You are truly unique, and I am excited to see the way our experience together this past weekend changes the person you are today and into the future.

Here is a sweet picture he took from the first day we were there.



As soon as I get more pictures I will be posting them on here.

Silence and Solitude

Recently I had the opportunity to go out and spend four days and three nights in the Hopkins Valley, alone. I had never done a solo, I don't consider myself a very contemplative person, and I am also an extrovert, so the thought of spending four days alone in the silent wilderness was very discomforting.

I would like to explain all of the details, but I will save them for a good face to face conversation over some tea or coffee, but all in all it was one of the most spectacular experiences I have had thus far. Initially I was very uncomfortable. I had never placed myself in such a vulnerable and revealing situation with myself and God. Like anything else, it took some getting used to. By the end of the second day I had reached a new and powerful comfortableness being alone with my creator. Until that point, sitting in the shadow of the Dasler Pinnacles, I had never been very comfortable simply "being" with God.

Time and time again, people have had massive, life changing, revelations during times of solitude. I can't say that my life took a massive turn once I got out of the bush, but I did learn a couple of amazing things. The first being, that to silence one's heart, mind and body before God takes a lot more work than I had previously thought. It was difficult and uncomfortable to reveal my heart, on such a one to one basis, with God. I wasn't scared to be alone so much as I was scared to be alone sitting face to face with my creator. God will always use silence, solitude and vulnerability to teach his disciples a thing or two.

The second thing that I learned was that the same force which is capable of splitting continents and creating mountains out of sheer granite, loves me, right now, with that same intensity and desire. The same God who made the Southern Alps, Rocky Mountains, and the Oregon Coast loves you and me with the same unwavering power. The implications of this are inconceivable. God's ability to use you and me to enact social change, and love people is huge. We are loved with a force powerful enough to create massive glaciated peaks, so why don't I act like it?

The third revelation was that I am always investing in God. I am always trying to win God's favor, which doesn't seem like a bad thing, but I don't think it is how we are supposed to live. This is from my journal that evening:

Something just dawned on me, thanks to the Ragamuffin Gospel. I am always trying to invest in God's favor. It seems like every choice I make can be boiled down to whether or not it will look good to God and his people or not. I am constantly trying to improve my eternal portfolio, Newsweek article here, serve some of my friends there. And, it is all done with the intention of building a resume. I think that this has major implication in my interactions with people as well. If they are "believers" than I quickly size them up. I compare their portfolio to mine. If theirs is less "impressive" than mine I feel as though I can help and be some sort of guidance. If my portfolio is less "impressive" than mine I look at them as a mentor, or somebody above me. If the person isn't a 'Christian' than I take a "sell but not to obvious" type of attitude. Hinting to them that they could start their own portfolios today if they wanted.

The problem with this is that it removes trust from my faith. Do I trust God enough to let him love me despite my flaws and weak resume. Nothing I can do will win any more, or any less, favor in God's eyes, so why do I always feel like everyone of my actions has consequences, be it good or bad, in the eyes of God?

Honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able enough to acknowledge this truth. Honesty brings an end to pretense through candid acknowledgement of our fragile humanity. It is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it. By rejecting my ragamuffin identity I am turning away from God, the community, and myself. I become a man obsessed with illusion and identity, a man of false power and fearful weakness, unable t think, act and love.

I suppose honesty before God takes the most fundamental risk of faith we can take. The risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our identity. To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as he is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life.

I would recommend to anyone that they should take at least some time to silence their hearts. It doesn't matter what you believe in, who, or what. Regardless, the time will not be in vein. I don't plan on isolating myself from society, but I do hope that I can take time out of my regular life, every once in a while, and listen to my creator. See what he has to say, about me and about the world I live in.

I hope...

I have had a number of friendships that have "fallen through." I have had a number of friendships that I gave up on, or stopped working at, simply because we had different moral standings. Many times I have disengaged myself with people simply because I thought that spending time with the person wouldn't be beneficial to my own faith. Today, I think I finally realized how ridiculous this all is, it took me 21 years to see how selfish a mindset like this can be. Intimate relationships are the most beautiful and heavenly things that we may experience in our lifetimes. We are capable, by the works of the Holy Spirit, to shed light on profound life altering truths for one another. The people who I engage in fellowship with have, time and time again, conveyed messages of love and grace to me, which I may have otherwise missed out on. I hope that I would be used to convey messages of hope, love and grace to people everyday. I hope that we, as a body of believers, strive to bring heaven to earth. I hope that we would be a group of people who value friendships, not just shallow friendships, but relationships that flow with conversation and messages of grace and love. I hope that we would be driven by a burning passion, and that individual passions would create purpose. I hope that our selfish desires don't wiggle their way into our already heavenly friendships. I pray that we would be a group of people who prioritize servant hood, both in a social context and within our community. Basically, I hope that by the time I reach heaven I will have had a taste of what it is going to be like, because I believe that it is possible, I believe I have already had a spoonful...and it tastes really good.

My dad arrives here in New Zealand tomorrow morning. I hope that the time we share here on the other side of the world would strengthen our relationship. Here's a picture of my dad and I snowshoeing in Colorado:

Intimate yet anonymous...

This past weekend Erik and I had the privilege of going to Queenstown. It has appropriately been named the adventure sports capitol of the world. While we were there we met an incredible group of people, which were kind enough to let us sleep on their floor, eat their food, and go out into town with them. It is funny how fast one can form such an intimate, yet completely anonymous relationship with another. During our time in Queenstown we shared about our pasts, dreamed about our futures, and discussed some of our struggles with complete strangers. It is exciting for me to be here, in New Zealand, forming countless intimate and anonymous relationships with people. Very few times in my life do I envision myself knocking on a random door asking if I could sleep on their floor, but people here, who are my age, do the very same thing regularly. I think a person needs to have these revealing, yet anonymous relationships in their life. Maybe this is the reason people are so drawn to the pub/coffee shop culture. By engaging with people in these settings we are revealing things about ourselves to someone, who previously had no idea about our pasts, personalities, values or beliefs. These relationships have the potential to shed valuable light as to who we really are. Our labels, accomplishments, failures, or previous actions are removed from the equation completely. When we engage with random people our behavior isn't viewed through any established lens, it is taken for face value, be it good or bad. I guess what I mean is this: when we engage in intimate and anonymous relationships we are given the opportunity to love for no agenda, and we are able to see if what we value in our own faiths is acted upon. I hope that all of my new friends Michelle, Wilson, Mike, Lindsay, Rosie, Hollis, and J.P. felt loved. I hope that our brief yet intimate interactions are valued, both by myself and them. Thanks for opening the door on Friday afternoon to what hopefully will be a multitude of very valuable friendships.