Silence and Solitude

Recently I had the opportunity to go out and spend four days and three nights in the Hopkins Valley, alone. I had never done a solo, I don't consider myself a very contemplative person, and I am also an extrovert, so the thought of spending four days alone in the silent wilderness was very discomforting.

I would like to explain all of the details, but I will save them for a good face to face conversation over some tea or coffee, but all in all it was one of the most spectacular experiences I have had thus far. Initially I was very uncomfortable. I had never placed myself in such a vulnerable and revealing situation with myself and God. Like anything else, it took some getting used to. By the end of the second day I had reached a new and powerful comfortableness being alone with my creator. Until that point, sitting in the shadow of the Dasler Pinnacles, I had never been very comfortable simply "being" with God.

Time and time again, people have had massive, life changing, revelations during times of solitude. I can't say that my life took a massive turn once I got out of the bush, but I did learn a couple of amazing things. The first being, that to silence one's heart, mind and body before God takes a lot more work than I had previously thought. It was difficult and uncomfortable to reveal my heart, on such a one to one basis, with God. I wasn't scared to be alone so much as I was scared to be alone sitting face to face with my creator. God will always use silence, solitude and vulnerability to teach his disciples a thing or two.

The second thing that I learned was that the same force which is capable of splitting continents and creating mountains out of sheer granite, loves me, right now, with that same intensity and desire. The same God who made the Southern Alps, Rocky Mountains, and the Oregon Coast loves you and me with the same unwavering power. The implications of this are inconceivable. God's ability to use you and me to enact social change, and love people is huge. We are loved with a force powerful enough to create massive glaciated peaks, so why don't I act like it?

The third revelation was that I am always investing in God. I am always trying to win God's favor, which doesn't seem like a bad thing, but I don't think it is how we are supposed to live. This is from my journal that evening:

Something just dawned on me, thanks to the Ragamuffin Gospel. I am always trying to invest in God's favor. It seems like every choice I make can be boiled down to whether or not it will look good to God and his people or not. I am constantly trying to improve my eternal portfolio, Newsweek article here, serve some of my friends there. And, it is all done with the intention of building a resume. I think that this has major implication in my interactions with people as well. If they are "believers" than I quickly size them up. I compare their portfolio to mine. If theirs is less "impressive" than mine I feel as though I can help and be some sort of guidance. If my portfolio is less "impressive" than mine I look at them as a mentor, or somebody above me. If the person isn't a 'Christian' than I take a "sell but not to obvious" type of attitude. Hinting to them that they could start their own portfolios today if they wanted.

The problem with this is that it removes trust from my faith. Do I trust God enough to let him love me despite my flaws and weak resume. Nothing I can do will win any more, or any less, favor in God's eyes, so why do I always feel like everyone of my actions has consequences, be it good or bad, in the eyes of God?

Honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able enough to acknowledge this truth. Honesty brings an end to pretense through candid acknowledgement of our fragile humanity. It is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it. By rejecting my ragamuffin identity I am turning away from God, the community, and myself. I become a man obsessed with illusion and identity, a man of false power and fearful weakness, unable t think, act and love.

I suppose honesty before God takes the most fundamental risk of faith we can take. The risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our identity. To bring the truth of ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as he is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life.

I would recommend to anyone that they should take at least some time to silence their hearts. It doesn't matter what you believe in, who, or what. Regardless, the time will not be in vein. I don't plan on isolating myself from society, but I do hope that I can take time out of my regular life, every once in a while, and listen to my creator. See what he has to say, about me and about the world I live in.

Dad's trip to New Zealand

The first week of Easter Break was speant zooming all over the South Island with my dad. He was here for ten days, and these are some pictures from his time here:

On top of the Routeburn Track
Hero Shot of Erik and the Franz Joseph Glacier
Outside of a great hostel in Greymouth
My dad "having a Bungy"

"I can't remember..."

After reading Bryce’s most recent blog I was reminded about this beautiful story which illustrates the gospel of grace perfectly:

Several years ago in a large city in the far west, rumors spread that a certain women was having visions of Jesus. The reports reached the archbishop, and he decided to check it out.
“Is it true ma’am that you have visions of Jesus?” asked the cleric.
“Yes,” the woman replied simply.
“Well the next time you have a vision, I want you to ask Jesus to tell you the sins that I confessed in my last confession.”
The woman was stunned. “Did I hear you right, bishop?” You actually want me to ask Jesus to tell me of all you sins?
“Exactly. Please call me if anything happens.”
Ten days later the women notified the bishop of a recent apparition. “Please come,” she said.
Within the hour the bishop arrived. He trusted eye to eye contact. “You just told me on the telephone that you actually had a vision of Jesus. Did you do what I asked?”
“Yes, bishop, I asked Jesus to tell me the sins that you last confessed.”
His Eyes narrowed in anticipation.
“What did Jesus say?”
She took his hand and gazed deep into his eyes. “Bishop,” she said, “these are his exact words… ‘I CAN’T REMEMBER.’”

Christianity happens when men and women accept with unwavering trust that their sins have not only been forgiven but forgotten, washed away in the blood of the Lamb. And this my friends is true freedom.

We went on a very nice walk...

If you have already read Erik's blog then you know that he and I just finished a seven day backpacking trip in some of New Zealand's most rugged country. If you haven't read his blog it can be found here. More roots than I could have ever imagined, hip deep mud, and thousands of vertical meters covered have made my knees and ankles sore. I think the boys are going to go and do another trip tomorrow, but I think I am going to go on a solo trip somewhere else.

I have never been alone in the back country, and one of my goals coming here was to do a solo trip. It is strange how contemplation and reflection don't always occur when they are most convenient. I have grown and learned so much from relationships, community and conversation, but the bible says that God also speaks to us in silence. I hope that I can find a place that is vast, beautiful, and silent.

With that said I won't have another blog for a couple of days. We are entering the last week of our three week long Easter break, and when it is over there will be many pictures, stories and ideas to follow. I miss you all very badly, and I can't wait to hear about your many adventures and experiences.

I hope...

I have had a number of friendships that have "fallen through." I have had a number of friendships that I gave up on, or stopped working at, simply because we had different moral standings. Many times I have disengaged myself with people simply because I thought that spending time with the person wouldn't be beneficial to my own faith. Today, I think I finally realized how ridiculous this all is, it took me 21 years to see how selfish a mindset like this can be. Intimate relationships are the most beautiful and heavenly things that we may experience in our lifetimes. We are capable, by the works of the Holy Spirit, to shed light on profound life altering truths for one another. The people who I engage in fellowship with have, time and time again, conveyed messages of love and grace to me, which I may have otherwise missed out on. I hope that I would be used to convey messages of hope, love and grace to people everyday. I hope that we, as a body of believers, strive to bring heaven to earth. I hope that we would be a group of people who value friendships, not just shallow friendships, but relationships that flow with conversation and messages of grace and love. I hope that we would be driven by a burning passion, and that individual passions would create purpose. I hope that our selfish desires don't wiggle their way into our already heavenly friendships. I pray that we would be a group of people who prioritize servant hood, both in a social context and within our community. Basically, I hope that by the time I reach heaven I will have had a taste of what it is going to be like, because I believe that it is possible, I believe I have already had a spoonful...and it tastes really good.

My dad arrives here in New Zealand tomorrow morning. I hope that the time we share here on the other side of the world would strengthen our relationship. Here's a picture of my dad and I snowshoeing in Colorado:

We've got ourselves a first timer here...

I have never been mountaineering before. I suppose it is the epitome of outdoor activities. I think Erik, Brian, Graham, Jacques and I are going to give it a whirl this weekend. We get to use ice axes and crampons, and we are going to be roped together. I hope it goes well.

Here are some pictures of where we are going, I got them from a random website:

See More Butts...

Seeing as how birthday blogging is the new black, I am going to jump on this glory train and dedicate this blog to my dear friend Collin. I don't know if you are going to read this on your birthday, especially since it is late into the day and you shouldn't be online anymore, at least I hope not.

Collin you have the rare ability to dig deep into a person's heart. Many times while dangerously riding around in the Pathfinder, you have pryed into my heart, and every time I discover something new about myself. Your ability to passionately discuss your struggles with those closest to you is inspiring. I love how transparent you are, and I hope, one day, I can be as revealing and intimate with you as you are with me. Thanks for all that you have taught me about god's heart, your heart, and my own heart. I wish so badly that I could be with you to celebrate, but know that I am thinking about you and that we will have one heck of a celebration when I return to the Northern Hemisphere. I love you Collin, have a wonderful day!

This one is for Brice and Andy...

Many times in my college career I have been stereotyped. I am fine with it, most of them are comical, witty and accurate. There is one, however, that holds a very special place in my heart. My dear friends, and teamates, Andy and Brice have officially labeled me a Colorado born, chaco wearing, bible reading, frisbee throwing, long haired climber. I am regurlarly asked if I have "climbed anything tall lately?" And, most of the time I respond by saying, "nope." So, if you two were here this would be my response: "Yes fellas, as a matter of fact I have climbed a number of things that are both tall and made of rock."

Routes:

Out on a Limb --- 18 meters --- 19
Legends in the Baking --- 17 meters --- 18
Tres Estrellas --- 15 meters --- 17
Andele! --- 14 meters --- 17
The Big Lebowski --- 10 meters --- 18
Yellow Splendor --- 16 meters --- 16
Quaker --- 11 meters ---14
Defenced --- 11 meters --- 13
Kinny --- 11 meters ---14
Itbeckonstan --- 11 meters ---15

Bouldering:

Pockets Up Arete --- V2
Great Pulling --- V2
Ode To JOY --- V2
The Ladder --- V0
Crack --- V1
Head Spin --- V2
Henry Moore --- V1
Traffic Arete --- V1
Sidepull dyno right --- V4
Top Heavy --- V3
Bad Ass Lawyer --- V2
Bonsai --- V0
The Cauldron --- V4
The Sorcerers Apprentice --- V5
Slopey Holds to Jug --- V4
Orifice Fish --- V3
Lung Dyno --- V4

Whelp, there you go fellas, that is almost everything that I have climbed since arriving here. I hope that all is going well for everyone, and I can't wait to talk to you all!

This is Erik for your viewing pleasure...

Happy Birthday Erik! In celebration of you being born I have put together these photgraphs...

Intimate yet anonymous...

This past weekend Erik and I had the privilege of going to Queenstown. It has appropriately been named the adventure sports capitol of the world. While we were there we met an incredible group of people, which were kind enough to let us sleep on their floor, eat their food, and go out into town with them. It is funny how fast one can form such an intimate, yet completely anonymous relationship with another. During our time in Queenstown we shared about our pasts, dreamed about our futures, and discussed some of our struggles with complete strangers. It is exciting for me to be here, in New Zealand, forming countless intimate and anonymous relationships with people. Very few times in my life do I envision myself knocking on a random door asking if I could sleep on their floor, but people here, who are my age, do the very same thing regularly. I think a person needs to have these revealing, yet anonymous relationships in their life. Maybe this is the reason people are so drawn to the pub/coffee shop culture. By engaging with people in these settings we are revealing things about ourselves to someone, who previously had no idea about our pasts, personalities, values or beliefs. These relationships have the potential to shed valuable light as to who we really are. Our labels, accomplishments, failures, or previous actions are removed from the equation completely. When we engage with random people our behavior isn't viewed through any established lens, it is taken for face value, be it good or bad. I guess what I mean is this: when we engage in intimate and anonymous relationships we are given the opportunity to love for no agenda, and we are able to see if what we value in our own faiths is acted upon. I hope that all of my new friends Michelle, Wilson, Mike, Lindsay, Rosie, Hollis, and J.P. felt loved. I hope that our brief yet intimate interactions are valued, both by myself and them. Thanks for opening the door on Friday afternoon to what hopefully will be a multitude of very valuable friendships.

In a Nutshell...

Initially I wanted to tell, in depth, what happened on my birthday, but then I realized that it may be more enjoyable if I just put everything into a crazy list. So, here is my 21st birthday in a nutshell: Breakfast in bed, dutch babies, construction paper pop-up birthday cards, two hour psychology lab, one dollar organic bar-b-Que, one really eccentric German, ten meter high peer jumping, Frisbee in the south pacific, four-way Skype conversation, tear jerking moments on the telephone, home sickness, shower, dinner at Dux De Lux, great people, wonderful conversation, dark beer, Mediterranean pizza, one great Frank and Jacque surprise, ten pint tall glass of beer...aka a "Yardo", one ducks fart shot, five more beers, packed apartment, PBIC crumpet with birthday candles, two matted pictures, one fork/spoon/knife camping utensil, seven liter jugs of beer, lots of people, trip to bus stop, random free vintage party bus leaving to an unknown destination, bus dance party with thirty people, random unknown bar, one round of "Jeager Bombs", two rounds of "Irish car bombs", three rum and cokes, one half hour of dancing, three shattered glasses compliments of Erik's flailing arms, one shot of peach schnapps, one concerned friend from Montana, two crazy friends from Montana, heaps of fun, one unanimous decision to walk home followed immediately by one random taxi ride into downtown, five people dancing on a picnic table inside of a club, one Madari sour shot, three guys "sticking it to the man", one ridiculous idea to break up a fight, one discreet taxi ride home at four in the morning, one smuggles passenger, one really cool taxi driver named Grahm, one great conversation with Erik, twenty trips to the urinal, nineteen glasses of water, twenty-one drinks, twenty great new friends, and ONE AMAZING BIRTHDAY!

Donnie Darko Pics...

God, Guinness, and Grace

Some of you may know that I am turning the big twenty-one this Thursday. It is strange because I have waited for this day for a very long time, and now that it is here I seem to be forgetting about it. I have always been excited to be able to go to a pub and spend quality time with my brothers. In the same way, I have patiently awaited the day when I can go out on a date sip on some wine, and talk about life with someone. Both of these activities seem to be very innocent, but for some reason a large number of people I know would disagree. Since arriving here in New Zealand, where the drinking age is eighteen, I have thought a lot about legalism, and alcohol.

Within the Christian community alcohol has a very strong stigma attached to it. It doesn't matter where you go, whether you're in Longmont or the middle of wine country in Oregon, the majority of Christians would say that drinking is inappropriate, or unbiblical. Since about eighth grade I have been battered with the message that we should all stay away from alcohol, even more, drinking a beer has somehow turned into an eternal sin in many people's eyes. I suppose this is a picture perfect view of what legalism is, but what are the repercussions of being legalistic?

It is funny how we hear the “alcohol is from the devil” message, directly followed by a “God’s grace abounds” message. I am not saying that every Christian is overly legalistic, but I do think that legalism tries to sneak its way into all of our faiths. When I place my “legalistic lens” on to view God I see him as erratic unpredictable, and incapable of all manner of prejudices. When I view God this way I feel compelled to engage, or disengage, in some sort of behavior to appease him. Going to church on Sunday/Tuesday, becomes a superstitious insurance policy against his impulses. This God has expectations that are only fulfilled by perfection. When broken everyday people with this understanding of God fail, as the usually do, they expect some sort of twisted punishment. I can say that I have been here, broken and awaiting God’s punishment. So, what do I do? I continue to persevere in religious run-throughs, and I struggle to maintain a hollow image of a perfect self. The struggle itself is exhausting, and it can destroy our authenticity.

The beauty of all of this is that we do live shadowed under an inconceivable grace. By trusting in Gods consistent and faithful grace, we are able to be confident, free disciples. This is not to say we can act on any whim we have, but it does mean that we can live freely, engaging with one another…even if it is at a pub.

Classtime has been in session much longer than four days

It is hard to believe that I left Colorado twenty days ago. For the first week time seemed to go pretty slow, I didn't have a schedule, or anything that I had to do, but now that classes have begun time is beginning to fly by. This past week opened my eyes to the bitter realization that my time here is going to come and go very quickly. I want to be sure that I am aware of the lessons that this place inspires. In an effort to do this Erik and I went to the campus bar to have a pint, eat some kumara chips, and talk about the things we have learned since arriving in this beautiful country. So, here is a list of some things I have learned since stepping onto the plane at DIA:

1. Every single person, whether they party, hook up with girls, believe in a different god, or speak the same language as me, have the ability to profoundly influence my understanding of Jesus, and God's heart for me.

2. I have an incredible group of people that I consider to be my friends and family back home, and our seperation during this time will only make those relationships more fruitfull.

3. New Zealanders show the hospitality spoken of in Hebrews 13 everyday everywhere, and hopefully being around them for five months will help me to lay down my time simply so that I may hear someones story, or help them to get to where they are going.

4. Guiness may be the best beer in the world...it is the only beer where the bubbles fall rather than rise to the top. I really like it a lot, this one is for McClintock.

5. My heart is capable of smiling, I never knew this until I was able to see how my inadequecies have been used by God to show someone else something about Christ.

6. When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or acceptance of others because our self intimacy reinforces our inner sense of security. We are no longer preoccupied with being powerful or popular. We no longer fear criticism because we accept the reality of our human limitations.

7. New Zealand was the first country to grant women the right to vote, and it is was the last major land mass in the world to be inhabited...about five hundred years ago by the Polynesians.

8. Although New Zealand and the United States are very similar they differ in many ways, but no matter the cultural differences between people, everyone has inherintly been given the drive to be compassionate and loving.

9. I have learned a lot about what the gospel of grace really is. Grace means that I don't have to be a "christian" to be a Christian. I don't have to be involved with Younglife or any other Christian organization to be a follower of Christ. I can take Sundays to explore His beautiful creation, rather than go to church. I am a Christian, I have been given a grace that transcends my inadequecies as well as my accomplishments, I try to love others whereever I am at, and I love Jesus...and that is enough.

10. My flesh begins to burn after about 12 minutes of direct sunlight. It doesn't matter if I have a "base tan" or not. In all seriousness, it is a bummer that the most environmentally conscious country in the world got stuck with the hole right above them, which was the result of our environmental ignorance.

Welp. there's the list, hopefully it continues to grow the entire time I am here. Thanks for reading...

I didn't see a single sheep this whole trip...

A couple of days ago Erik and I, as well as six other wonderful people, decided to take a backpacking trip near Arthur's Pass. It was called the Waimakariri-Harman Pass route, it was 44 kilometers long, and it was burly. It may have been the most strenuous backpacking trip I have ever gone on. We began the tramp by walking 13 kilometers up a kilometer wide river bed, and the views during this section were incredible. I felt as though we were walking through the pages of a tourism magazine. The cool thing about New Zealand is that they have an entire network of huts throughout the entire island. So, rather than carrying fifty pounds worth of gear, you have the privilege of sleeping, cooking and eating in a small shack in the middle of nowhere. This is great that you don't have to carry as much, but those tricky Kiwi's make up for it by not having switchbacks anywhere. For some reason, Kiwis would rather walk directly up a fifty degree slope in six kilometers, rather than covering the same vertical distance the American way and taking ten kilometers. This leads me to the second day of our wonderful adventure, Harman Pass. We began the day by hiking straight up a river that cascaded its way down a rocky pass. I could have mistaken the landscape with those I have seen in Hawaii. Mist cooled the backs of our necks as we walked past countless waterfalls...it was surreal. The third day was spent bouldering down the Taipo River. This was considered the "easy" day. The girls, Annika and Pinecone, walked the entire fifteen kilometers in their Chacos, which eventually lead to some pretty nasty blisters. In my mind the last day of the tramp will be the most memorable. The day begins by ascending sharply through the New Zealand rain forest. Root after root, we ascended 800 meters in 3 kilometers. Once we arrived at what we though was the top of the pass we began to look for the trail markers. At this point it had become very foggy, cold, and rainy. We wandered, relatively mindlessly, about the top of the pass until we found what we thought to be the trail marker. We began to descend down the pass, when we realized that we were completely turned around. We were going down the same side that we had just climbed up. Our spirits were low but not broken and we climbed back up. Exhausted, tired, and sore we stumbled our way around the top of the pass, about three hours, until we found the hut to eat some lunch. After lunch Brian, Grahm and I blitzed it to the car so that we could retrieve the shuttle.
Although the trip was spectacular, I can say with confidence that the best part was meeting six other people. Having gone on this trip we all achieved a greater level of community. I am excited and anxious to see what other adventures Team Sandfly will go on.

People are dying in the quad...

When I first entered college I remember being terrified. I had no idea what was going on, who I needed to talk to, or where I was supposed to be. I would imagine that many people have felt or will feel the same way during the first couple weeks of their freshmen year. But, after about a month of college I think most people figure out that everything will be okay, the deadlines aren't really deadlines at all. You won't die in agony if you don't figure out your classes by registration day. Well, the feeling has returned for a vast majority of the international students here at the University of Canterbury. There are students who are juniors and seniors freaking out because they, once again, have no idea what to do. To be honest, Erik and I both have taken delight in watching these individuals scream in agony about not having proper insurance. The enrolment process here in New Zealand is quite ridiculous, but I am pretty sure that everyone will be taking classes and going to school come Monday. This whole experience just brings to light how people react when they have to solve problems using a different method, I hope that I haven't lost my ability to problem solve...
On a lighter note, Erik, Jaques, Pinecone, and I went to an amazing place called Castle Hill. It is about an hour away, and it is a rock climber's heaven. To help you paint a mental picture, the battle in Chronicles of Narnia was filmed there. Basically it is a slew of rolling grassy hills covered with massive boulders, at the base of the Southern Alps. I kept thinking I was wandering around some Disney world fantasy place. Sadly, I am unable to post pictures of it, because I am typing this blog while sitting in a random office on campus...I heard they had free Internet, but I will post pictures soon. Well, I hope that who read this are doing wonderful, and I will talk to you soon!