Where do I go from here?

It is not a new struggle.

I have felt similar emotions before, and yet the sting that comes with not knowing is ever present.

I feel as though I have spent the last four years getting ready, but I have nothing.

Some relationships have brought me great joy, and some great pain. Saying goodbye to both is hard.

Once the car doors closes the reflections begin.

I do not know when I will return. I do know that the people who have made my life what it is will not be together ever again, save for heaven.

Tears well in my eyes and memories flood my mind.

Where I am going is less clear now than it has ever been. Who I will be with, what I will do, where I will be... all question marks.

Tears cascade down my cheeks and mental images flash.

The race feels long. Longer than ever before, and I just finished part of it. Who am I running with?

I am independent, qualified, prepared, but alone.

Politics Blog #2

If you come to this website to find out how I feel about the upcoming election, or potential policies, than you have been disappointed time and time again. I don't typically write about politics or the thoughts and feelings that they inspire. Only one other time have I written about politics, and it was written with a much different mindset than I have now. After I wrote this I stumbled across a video put together by Lawrence Lessig, who is a Professor of law at Stanford Law School, and has been a long standing advocate for a less corrupted congress. It is really fascinating, you can find it here.

I have never taken part in politics, I do not agree with what politics do to people. In the past, politicians have tried to stratify the voting pool into those who will vote for them and those who will not. Historically, this may have been an effective way to campaign, but as the approval ratings continue to plummet and a recession looms ahead, a new kind of campaign is necessary. Barack Obama presents the American public with a new and refreshing campaign mentality, unity and hope.

I support Barack Obama’s policies, but the truth is that Obama and Clinton’s policies are not very different. They both want a form of universal healthcare, or healthcare for all, both of which emphasize preventative medicine, increased research and decreased transfer payments to keep costs low. They both have similar immigration policies, which may be described differently, but operate, on the same levels. And, their economic stimulus packages both put money into the hands of consumers, hoping to increase spending and consumption, rather than lowering price levels from the top down like McCain is planning on doing. The most striking difference between the two candidates however is character.

Many have written on the recent surge of Obama supporters, who have packed the gymnasiums, stadiums and meeting halls during his recent travels. They are described, as Obamaniacs and they are passionate and united in their drive. Sure, this may be an emotional reason to support a candidate, but emotions are the fuel for our behaviors. I believe that an economies emotional environment is one of the most important determinants of our economic standing. Our behaviors at work, with our families, in our homes, and with our health are all influenced by the emotional states we find ourselves in. If we are dissatisfied with what we are doing or how much we are being compensated to do it, we will be less productive. If one is stressed because they cannot pay their mortgage payments and risk losing their home, they are more likely to get sick, and their ability to produce and contribute to this economy diminishes. If we are unsatisfied with the whole, like most Americans have been for the past five years or so, than we will become individualistic and segmented. Segmented in our spending, expectations, investments, attitudes and opinions.

What sets Obama apart then is his ability to encourage, unite and lead. Many times during his career as senator he went against the norm, even when there was significant political pressure. Take the war on Iraq for example; he was the only presidential candidate in 2004 to publicly protest the war, saying “What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war, a war based not on reason, but on passion. A war based not on principle, but on politics.” I believe that Obama has the potential to increase consumer and producer confidence, which could have a significant and positive influence on our economy.

I think that Obama, much like Reagen did, has the ability to put America on a fundamentally different path. A path that values passionate integrity, rather than politics, a path that encourages transparency, in prices, sources and quality, and a path that encourages honesty. The realignment of the American people is going to be absolutely necessary before any change can occur. As we have seen with the Bush presidency, we no longer need an accountant or CEO of the government. The presidency requires a leader, a leader who inspires and instills courage and commitment in the people. Change will require unity. Change, whether economic or ideological comes from a united people, and I believe that Obama has the strength and audacity to lead this change.

Holy Week 2008

We drove straight down to San Diego, and it only took us 14 hours, which is six hours faster than the MapQuest estimation. Once we got to San Diego we went straight to the beach to take naps and hang out in the sun for the day. We ended up playing rugby on the beach with four french guys. That night we stayed with one of Drew's family friends in downtown San Diego. The next day we drove into Tijuana, Mexico and drove 160 kilometers south to Ensenada. After we ate some tacos and decided that Ensenada wasn't really what we were looking for we decided to drive across the Baja Penninsula. It took us about four hours and the drive was beautiful. The entire drive was spent on a curvy road winding it's way between boulder strewn hills. We got out and hiked quite a bit along the way. 

Once we arrived in San Felipe we saw some Mormon missionaries walking down the road, so we deicided to ask them about the beaches and places to eat. They didn't really help us in that department, but as we were leaving they told us that they had four extra beds at their house and that we were more than welcome to crash there since all of the camping and hotels were full because of Holy Week (which we later found out to be the largest vacation week in Mexico, hence the thousands of people everywhere we went). We spent two days in San Felipe just hanging out on the beach and playing on the abandoned ships. The water was warm and it was about 85 degrees. On Monday morning we took off and headed north to the border, and we crossed back into the United States just north of Mexicali, Mexico. We decided to go to Joshua Tree National Park to climb, hike and potentially do some backpacking. We ended up getting to the park at 4:00 pm and it was stunning. 

Joshua Tree has some of the most remarkable desert landscapes I have ever seen. All of the campgrounds were full so we decided to hike into a backcountry area to camp. At this point we had all decided that we were midway through thr best road trip any of us had ever been on. That night however, ended up being the worst night of my life. I was so sick with a terrible cold, I was coughing and congested all night, I was hallucinating for some reason and I had a mild case of vertigo combined with a migraine, vomiting and freezing cold temperatures. I thought that I was going to have to hike out and go to a hospital. Strangely, the next morning I felt great and we spent the whole day hiking and climbing on the huge rocks that identify Joshua Tree. 

We ended up spending most of the day in Joshua Tree, and in the afternoon we drove to Redlands, California. We stayed with one of Drew's best friends who happens to go to University of Redlands. The next morning we went into Los Angeles and had Chipotle with a couple of friends from California. After eating we drove north to San Jose, where we stayed with a friend from linfield, whos father is a psychology professor at Stanford. 

Thursday morning was spent playing pick up soccer and basketball games at the Stanford Campus. That afternoon we headed into San Francisco and saw all of the tourist sights. A bunch of people were in San Francisco for spring break, so we met up with them and spent the evening with them. Tom, amazing redheaded friend of mine from Longmont, goes to school south of San Francisco and he met us with us. It was really great to see him, and to check out his stomping grounds. The next morning (Friday) we woke up early and drove across the golden gate bridge, and drove all the way to Redwoods National Park, which is along the northern California coastline. It was so humbling to be driving and walking amongst those giant trees. They are truly massive. 

The rest of the drive was spent on curvy roads, winding through Oregon's southwest mountain ranges. Sadly, after driving 2900 miles I got the first and only speeding ticket on the trip. I was in Oregon and there weren't any speed limit signs for over five miles, and I thought the speed limit was 65 miles per hour and I later found out from the ranger that the speed limit was 55 mph. Because I have a Colorado license they aren't able to take points away, so instead they stuck me with a hefty fine. As I said before, we got back to McMinnville last night around midnight. All of us were tired, sick and ready for our own beds, but the trip was truly incredible.

Going to Mexico... apparently.

Yesterday evening, around 6:00 pm I was sitting on a couch with two of my friends discussing spring break plans. We are all done with class today at 4:00, and we decided that we should figure out what we were doing for the next twelve days. The conversation went like this:

Chris: "Should we go north or south? Because, if we went north we could hang out in Canada, and I love Canadians. "

Drew: "We should go south."

Chris: "Okay, where?"

Drew "I dunno..."

Chris: "We could go to Yosemite and San Francisco. All I know is that I want to spend Easter on top of a sweet mountain."

Drew: "Can we go to a sweet black baptist church?"

Chris: "I don't think there will be a sweet black baptist church in Yosemite, I actually don't think there will be any church in Yosemite."

Drew: "Oh, yeah."

Ryan: (First time sharing any desire about our trip) "I don't want to go camping really, I actually don't want to go to San Francisco either, my family is from there and I have been there a lot of times."

Chris: "I have never been there, why don't you want to go?"

Ryan: "There are only three things 

to do in San Francisco, Fisherman's Wharf, Alcatraz, 

and the Golden Gate Bridge, beyond that it is just steep streets and weird people. I want to go to a beach and wear flip flops."

Chris: "I am not going to southern California."

Drew: " ... "

Ryan: " ... "

Chris: " We are gonna go to Ensenada, Mexico, and drink Pacificos and eat shrimp tacos while throwing the frisbee on the beach."

Drew: "Alright."

Ryan: "I don't even care where we go, just as long as the streets aren't steep."

So, here we are getting ready to drive a long way to some undisclosed beach in Mexico. I am excited, I love our neighbors down south. I just hope some of my spanish speaking skills come back on the drive down. We wanted to find a fourth person to go with us, and we happened to call a huge muscly Hawaiin guy named Keoni. He changed his work schedule around and decided to come too. Between drew and Keoni there will be at least 500 lbs of muscle sitting in my car, they are warriors. Drew's passport was in Seattle so his dad mailed it to his friend's house in San Diego, so hopefully that will be there too. 

With all that said, adios amigos, have a great spring break. 

The Team

Drew Ragan, aka DJ Daddy Fat Lats

Ryan Smith, aka Young Ryan

Keone Tawata

Chris "Naked Lady"

Happy Birthday Bryan!!!

 Today my roommate, Bryan Alford, is turning twenty-one. I am excited about this because there have been many times during the last semester that I wanted to do things requiring you to be twenty-one, and he couldn't participate. If you don't know Bryan than let me tell you he is a passionate, loving individual who seeks intimacy and depth. 

Bryan, you have become an true brother. You have an incredible ability to be who you are, regardless of what people think, say or do. Your zeal for depth has carried you down many unique roads, and I am sure that your future will be no different. God does a seemingly strange job sometimes at introducing critical people into your life, and you have turned out to be just that, critical. You have taught me many things, most of which are yet to be realized. Our friendship has deepened over the past three years, but I can say over the past six months it has truly flourished. I have loved being your roommate. I am excited to grow along this journey of life with you as a friend. Thank you for everything. Happy birthday brother. 

DSM-IV

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is the psychologist's bible. It is enduring its sixth revision and in its 886 pages are the diagnostic criteria, treatment options and insurance coverage requirements to over 295 mental disorders. It was first published in 1952, by the American Psychiatric Association, and was adopted from an earlier classification system developed by the Bureau of the Census. Its first edition had only 106 mental disorders and quickly grew to 182 disorders with the release of the DSM-II. Early texts reflected the predominant psychiatry. In other words, symptoms were not specified explicitly, but were referenced as mere reflections of broader underlying conflicts or abnormal reactions to life problems. 

Since the introduction of the DSM-II, many contributions have been made by a variety of professionals. Of these contributions are 115 additional disorders,  the removal of more than twenty disorders (homosexuality, menopausal stress disorder and neurosis to name a few) a multitude of categories were renamed (ex: Bi-Polar disorder changed to Manic-Depressant Disorder), diagnostic criteria were updated and included symptom profiles, social and relational factors were also considered within the diagnostic criteria. As of right now, the DSM is undergoing another revision, which is expected to be released in early 2012. 

The DSM-IV is also used by more people than ever before. Historically, it was primarily used by mental health professionals to communicate a patient's diagnosis after an evaluation, but hospitals, clinics, insurance companies, counselors, and even school teachers have cracked it open to "gain a better understanding" of their patients, clients and students behaviors.  As you may have guessed, this has wrought a slew of political, relational and economic controversy. 

So why did I just give you a three paragraph history of something that you probably have never even heard of? Well, within the past week my eyes have been opened to the many criticisms concerning the use and misuse of this widely circulated book. One of my close friends has been sharing his struggles with the mental health industry on his blog, which has contributed to the awaking I have had during the last couple of weeks. If you are interested in a more personal account than check his blog out here. Also, there are many professional criticisms surrounding the DSM. 

Many believe that the practical reliability of the DSM suffers because it is based on statistical criteria rather than sound, interaction based, accounts. Others still believe that the DSM unjustly categorizes disorders, and that it fails to provide a thorough representation of the available evidence concerning the various disorders. Recently, Keyes (2006) wrote about the DSM's failure to acknowledge the importance of mental health. He argues that physicians and psychotherapists have placed too much emphasis on the eradication of mental illness, rather than the improvement of mental health. He released a convincing study showing the parallel nature of the two, and later discussed whether or not the mental health community should pursue mental health or the "curing" of mental illnesses. Naturally, whichever option we pursue, there will be pros and cons. 

Whether you support, disagree with, or have never had, or never will, have an opinion on this it is important to understand how our physicians decide whether or not we are crazy. Sadly I can't write any more about this right now. I am at Powell's Books in downtown Portland and the parking meter on my car ran out a while ago. Considering I have $40 dollars to my name right now, I am going to go so as not to get a ticket. I will write more later. 

Fifteen Minutes...GO!!!

I am sitting here and I couldn't narrow down all of the crazy thoughts going on inside my head, so I decided just to write for five minutes straight and see what comes of it. 

A couple of days a go a great friend of mine left Portland to fly across the country to New York City. If any of you know Frank then you know that he is an incredibly passionate, eccentric, and unique individual. The best way to describe our seventeen day road trip through the west side of this beautiful country is...exceptional. Frank has never been to Colorado, Wyoming, Montana or Idaho, so we decided to drive from Longmont to Portland. On the way we stopped in Wyoming, Bozeman (for a week), Missoula, Cors de Lane, and the Dalles. It was a seventeen day trip, that was filled with great people, conversation, skiing, amazing food, wonderful weather, old friends, new friends, and a couple discoveries within those already existing friendships. When Frank flew out of Portland on Sunday night it felt as though I was coming down off a drug. The way he inspires and ignites a person into action is unlike anyone I have ever met. With all that said, Thank you for prioritizing our friendship. Thank you for coming here and for helping me reignite something within myself.

Last night as our local college ministry I was sitting there worshipping and could not stop thinking about what I would say if Jesus asked me what he asks his disciples, "what is it that you know about me?" I kept thinking about the implications of this question. Many would give Jesus the answer that they think he wants to hear. They would summarize the historical understanding of Jesus. Others would give Jesus an inflated understanding, exaggerating what they know and leaving out all the bits that they don't. I would imagine that I would try an impress his with what I have to say. I would tell paraphrase Brian McLaren's understanding, toss in a little of C.S. Lewis' and maybe sprinkle a bit of Rob Bell on top, but Jesus wants none of that. Jesus wants our experience, more specifically our relationship, to provide his truth. He wants us to have an active relationship filled with the confusion, doubts, struggles and joys that come with it. So, as I was sitting in church I was thinking about how I would answer this question. As I was thinking about this I went to the side of the room where the lord's supper was. I walked up grabbed a piece of bread and a small half ounce glass of grape juice. I slowly walked back to my place, while in deep worship, and thought even more how I would answer his question. While deep in thought, prayer and worship I took the bread to my mouth. Jesus seemed to have helped me out in answering his own questions. My eyes were closed, and I instantly saw the smiles, tears, hugs and laughter of hundreds of people that I care about. I couldn't get the faces of my best friends, family and serogant brothers out of my minds eye. Jesus has manifested his self, and more importantly his truth, in us. 

I am starting school and am excited about what that means. In five months I will have two degrees. In five months I will no longer be financially dependent on my family. In five months I may be riding my bike across the west side of this country. In five months a new world will suddenly stand before me.

(Sorry for the poor grammar and sentence structure)

Juarez, Mexico

There is something special that happens when you realize how large this world actually is. Spicy food, language barriers and surface level cultural differences are not what impact us at our core. A person’s heart can change when they are exposed to the needs of this world that have yet to be met. When we are exposed to tangible relationships, emotional hardships and a visible lack of justice a profound change can occur. Our hearts were changed. I suppose the purpose of this letter is to thank you for making it hard. Thank you for exposing us to the injustices of this world. Thank you for taking a part in the change that many of us experienced while being in Juarez.

The trip began on a cold morning in Longmont,

 Colorado, with a group of twenty-one college students trying to figure out how to p

ack all of our tools, clothes, and sleeping bags into four vehicles. Ten hours of driving, and a stop at a Chinese buffet delivered us to El Paso, Texas, where we stayed the night in a church gymnasium. Naturally, a game, similar to American Gladiators’ Powerball, broke out in the gymnasium. After a considerable amount of socks, skin and sweat were sacrificed we called it a night. Confession: our first construction project was repairing the ceiling fan we accidentally broke.

The next morning we crossed into Mexico. El Paso and Juarez sit side by side, but the two cities are strikingly different. As we crossed the Rio Grande/Rio Bravo del Norte the landscape transformed from skyscrapers, advertisements, and consumption into factories, working-class barrios, and production. This was when many people began to realize how large the need actually is. We picked up our tools from the warehouse and set out to find the job sight, quite the struggle in a city that has grown much faster than its infrastructure. Have you ever tried to look for a vacant lot in a city with almost no street signs, few paved roads, and plenty of dirt fields? How, exactly, do you discover the location of a house that hasn’t been built yet? After an hour or so of driving we found the dirt rectangle that would very soon become a three room, insulated, set of classrooms.

We began our project by leveling the ground so that we could lay the concrete foundation. This alone took the whole first working day. Our first night in Mexico was New Years Eve and we really wanted to celebrate New Years like a Mexican would. Sadly, on the way to the central plaza, one of our four vehicles broke down. Needless to say, we celebrated New Years Eve being pulled behind a dodge truck by a towrope. It ended up being one of the most memorable New Years Eve celebrations in recent memory. By the time we arrived at the building site the next day the ground had settled a little and it was time to start building a house. Brandon, our Casas por Cristo staff member, fearless leader, and seasoned builder, delegated tasks and we set out to work. Framing, cutting, and foundation work were all completed simultaneously. By the time we broke for lunch, the concrete was curing, all of the necessary wood was cut, and most of the walls were framed. After a couple of sandwiches (and an unknown number of Mexican sodas) we returned to the work site. We began to set the walls, place the exterior insulation, and prepare for stucco. To our surprise, we had what looked to be a house after barely more than one full day of work.

We began our third day of work with an impromptu dance party. Nothing puts you to work on a cold winter morning like Brett’s techno workout mix. The third day was spent either on the roof, stretching chicken wire (for the stucco), or building one of the best retaining walls you will ever see. By sundown we had finished the roof, begun hanging dry wall, and had a solid start on our landscaping, the first landscaping a Casas por Cristo house had ever seen. That evening, Kyle prepared an amazing meal for all twenty-one of us to enjoy together in our church home. Our last day of building was a full one. We arrived at the work site, turned on some (more) sweet jazzercise music, and set out to finish the house. After a couple of hours, the stucco was complete, the drywall was nearly finished and we could

 begin putting on the final touches. Most people were inside at this point, mudding the walls and painting, thankful to be out of the freezing January wind. By the time the sun had gone down, we were putting up the light fixtures, moving the custom built bookshelf, and really outdoing ourselves with the xeroscaped plants and monsoon resistant ground cover. After about three and a half days we had a hou

se. Sea foam green paint, bookshelves, landscaping, two ceramic space heaters and what will hopefully be a long lasting safe and warm place full of memories, learning, and joyfulness.

During the dedication service we discussed how a house, in and of itself, might not be a meaningful gift. What gives the house its significance, what brings out its potential, are the ways i

n which it is used. Conversely, we often take structure for granted, failing to acknowledge how crucial warmth, shelter and safety are for our relationships. The time spent with Carolina, and the rest of the family, was the actual reason we went down to Juarez. Although we may have forgotten it at times, we did not go to simply build a house. Instead, our purpose, both in going to Juarez and in being a Christian, is to contribute in building a kingdom. A kingdom where relationships are prized, love and mercy flow between us, where needs are met, and where injustices are realized and absolved. We built a beautiful house, but hopefully, with your help, we contributed in the building of what is going to be a beautiful kingdom.

What's the weather supposed to be like?

What is the most pressing problem on earth? 

Sometimes I feel like I can't even begin to think outside of my own experiences. When I try to answer this question I can't get any further than: What am I going to do after graduation? I need some money to get around, how can this happen? Or, will I ever receive the acceptance and love from the people that I want it from? A friend of mine recently described our lives using a storm/shelter metaphor. I could not escape this visual when trying to answer this question inspired by Brian McLaren.  

There IS a storm raging. There are actually multiple storms going on in parallel. Injustices are everywhere, whether I realize them or not. It is hailing golf balls in Africa, a tornado is destroying lives in the Middle East, and hurricanes run rampant in the hearts of  exploited workers in Mexico, China, Vietnam, and nearly every other labor intensive country on our planet. We don't even have to look beyond our own borders to see the injustices that take place. Cloudy skies can be seen hanging over New Orleans, most inner cities, and there are even storms going on in the lives of at least forty people here in Longmont. 

But here I am, Chris Nicoletti, sitting in adequate shelter. I can hear the muffled patter of rain drops on the roof. Occasionally it gets a little chilly, so I take a couple of steps towards my consumeristic thermostat and turn up the temperature a little bit. It seems so hard for me to escape the brick and mortar which has been protecting me for the last twenty-one years. 

I am jealous of people who continue to hurt, feel, and at the very least, are affected by the injustices going on in the world. I say that I am jealous, but I am also intrigued and intimidated by those who are aware of the weather. I have always been a person who accepts circumstance very quickly and effortlessly. What I mean is that I don't poke, prod and analyze. I simply accept it as reality and move on. What I am realizing however, is that by simply accepting the conditions which surround me I will never take a step outside to see what the weather is really doing. I am like the old man who sits in his living room, surrounded  by panoramic windows, watching the weather channel. I am sitting on my butt surrounded by wealth, consumerism, subsidies and government policies. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for the shelter which has protected me, but it is important to get out of the house once in a while. If I continue to blindly accept, and essentially ignore, the conditions of this hurting world I will never feel the rain drops on my face. I will never feel the excitement that only the wind can bring. And, most importantly, I will never have an influence on my environment. 

I hope that this blog and my journal are an effort to stop and analyze a little bit. I think conversations with my "skeptical" friends could rub off on me. My hope is that I can be braver than I currently am. Maybe then will I take a step outside and see what it really going on with the weather. 

Here and There

Just woke up, thinking about my Christmas break so far. Friends are beginning to leave already to go back to their respective institutions, new homes, and other lives. It is always strange coming home, trying to figure out the new, but very much the same, group dynamics. I have not even thought about blogging during the last three weeks. For some reason celebrating Christmas for three days, building a house in Mexico, and showing a friend from Oregon how awesome Colorado can be, has gotten in the way. I plan on slowing down a little bit. At least until Frank (a friend I met in New Zealand) flies here in a couple of weeks... and then it's on like Donkey Kong.

There will be more musings to follow, but first I need to take a "chill out session." If you have left, I will miss you. If you never came back, I miss you a lot. And if you are planning on leaving soon, can we please spend some time together before I begin missing you?

The Mission:

To get home for Christmas with car, road bike and gear.

I just drove 17 hours from Bend, Oregon to Longmont, Colorado. I didn't stop for food. I stopped for gas three times, and I stopped to pee two times. I didn't get pulled over until I was in Fort Collins, and it was because my left tire crossed into the other lane, and the CSU policeman thought I was drunk. I wasn't, I was just weary. Along the way I listened to Paolo Nutini quite a bit, he is a new favorite. During the four hundred mile drive across Wyoming, I listened to the Colbie Caillet album three times, and yes, I was singing very loudly to every song. Another favorite was the New Zealand Mix, featuring great artists as: Fat Freddies Drop, Katchafire, Mason Jennings, Marc Brusard, David Crowder and Matt Kearney. In total it took 17 hours. I got home at 3 in the morning and now it is 11, and I want to play.

I had a significant amount of time to think about life, my purpose, plans and direction. I am not going to write them on here yet, part because I don't want to spend to much time on the computer right now, but also because I want to digest them a little bit. Also, I would rather have a face to face conversation with people about my recent musings. It was a good journey, one that I will have to make in a month again in a month and a half.

I am home. Give me a call.

I bought a road bike a week ago. I drove up to Tacoma with my friend Jordan in my new car, and then bought a road bike and roof rack. I have been spending a lot of money lately, that isn't going to last much longer.

Today I took that bike on a great ride up into the hills near McMinnville. It was very cold, foggy and ominous, but it ended up being an amazing ride. Until the last couple of weeks I don't think I really appreciated where I am at in Oregon. I always thought of McMinnville as a nice base camp, not too spectacular in it's own right, but close to some beautiful areas. Now that I have been out and riding throughout Yamhill county I am beginning to appreciate its beauty more and more. Endless logging roads meander their way through dense evergreen forests, often stopping at a dead end, with nowhere to go but backwards, after twenty miles.

I have heard people describe Yamhill county and the Red Hills as an American Tuscany. Vineyards and great food tucked away in small cottage like establishments abound. Gently rolling hills continue west of this area until you reach the Oregon coast, which in itself is breathtaking. I would like to ride from here to the coast sometime soon, but I have to wait for the floods to go away.

The hills aren't fourteen thousand feet high, like the Rockies, which I am used too, but it is possible to seclude oneself in them. I experienced that today. The smell of dense mossy evergreen forests is new to me. We don't have moss in Colorado like we do here. The forests in Oregon are thick, green and seemingly impenetrable, unlike the brown dusty ponderosa pine forests that I grew up in. Sadly it took three and a half years for me to reach this realization, but I am glad that I reached it now.

I am excited for the endless opportunities I will have in the spring to explore this area and this state. But before then, I am going to be driving to Colorado, hopefully before the forty inches of new snow melts at Winter Park. I look forward to seeing the fourteen-thousand foot hills outside my window.

To my brothers,

I know this is way after the fact, but I wanted to tell Erik and Kyle thank you for driving all the way to Oregon to spend thanksgiving week with me. I had an amazing time with both of you guys. It means a lot that you would sacrifice your time off of school, drive all the way here (Kyle 17 hours and Erik 14 hours), and give up being with your families to come and step into my life here in Oregon.

Kyle, you have and continue to be one of the most faithful people I know. You told me you were going to visit everyone while they are at school, I was one of the last that you hadn't seen yet, and you made it happen. I am glad that you didn't go insane during the 1200 mile trek alone. All of my friends here in Oregon have officially fallen in love with you, and they don't stop talking about your Mexican lasagna. It was great to have you around for a random week in November, when I otherwise wouldn't be able to have my cup-o-Kyle until Christmas time. Thank you my friend.

Erik, it always amazes me how much you love and care about this community of people that we are a part of. Your willingness to come out here to Oregon to be with your brothers continues to echo in my heart. When you are around I realize how much you have become a part of my identity, it may sound strange but it is true. It was really great to spend Thanksgiving with family this year. Over the past eight years you have become more and more like a brother to me, and eating Turkey, playing football, and hanging out over Thanksgiving break makes us one step closer. Thanks.

I look forward to seeing both of you, as well as everyone else, in a week and a half. I will be driving home to Colorado this time, in my new car. I have found a couple of people off of Craigslist who are going to ride with me, and hopefully pitch for some gas money. I can't wait to celebrate this holiday season with everyone...be ready it is going to be great.

Oh the beautiful t-shirt

A group of us are heading to Juarez, Mexico this Christmas break to build a house (see post here). In order to do so we need to cover all the expenses of the trip and building costs—some $8,000—and we are working hard to get there. I’ve made 100 shirts to sell as part of the fund raising effort. They are incredibly comfortable American Apparel t’s printed with Brianne’s amazing design on them.



The shirts say ‘Dale le Mano,’ which translates to ‘lend a hand.’ Our goal really is summed up in that simple phrase. We want to lend a hand and make a difference for a family. The shirts come in the six color combinations seen above and sizes, S, M, L and XL, all men's sizes (but the ladies haven't been forgotten, I'm told men's small and medium American Apparel t's are perfect for you too). If you would like to help support our trip or buy some t-shirts please comment on my blog or write me an email at cnic17@comcast.net. They are $16 a piece, $6 of which go towards the cost of the shirt and $10 goes strait towards construction costs in Mexico. Also, if you are going on the trip and you want to help me sell some of these shirts, let me know and I can send them to you. Thank you for your prayers and support.

*I literally copy and pasted this from Erik's blog titled "Better Than Smoke Signals"

I just dropped my laptop

So, I have been working pretty hard on a number of school assignments, which will contribute to my graduating on time. They were coming along very nicely, especially the 12 page paper on selective serotonin re uptake inhibitor use and akathasia, and the semester long statistical analysis project on the demand for renewable energy as a proportion of total energy expenditures by state. As most of you know the two weeks before finals are often times much worse than actual finals week. Most in part, because the type of projects I previously described are due, but also because you are ready to stop talking about the same stuff in the same classes and go home and have fun. That is where my head is at, and will probably be at for the next two weeks.

Especially now that I dropped my laptop.

It was pretty fast. Similar to a car accident, or getting shot in the arm. You know how it is, one second your having a conversation about camping and hot springs, and the next you are standing on the side of thee highway because you got rear ended. Similarly, one moment your holding your backpack with your laptop safe and secure, and the next it falls to ground.

Now it won't turn on. I can't get the twelve page paper on SSRIs and suicidality, or the Renewable energy research project. I feel like Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller in Zoolander. You mean the files are in the computer?

I have been frantically e-mailing my professors trying to buy myself time, but it is Sunday and apparently they aren't on campus seven days a week beckoning to every student's call. Bummer.

I did buy a road bike though, so that is cool. To bad there is a hurricane hitting Oregon right now.

Portland or Bust...

I wanted to quickly explain why I haven't been blogging as of late. Two weeks ago I was completely in over my head in school work, last week I had two tests and two papers, and this week Kyle has driven eighteen hours to come and visit me for Thanksgiving week. Erik is leaving Bozeman, Montana in the midst of a blizzard to drive here today. Yes, they are amazing, I am incredibly thankful for these two guys who took it on themselves to get to Portland this Thanksgiving holiday. Just to let you know...by the time you both return to your respective institutions you will have driven for a combined total of 50 hours. Bad ass. For those of you who are not making the trek to Portland this week I miss you dearly and can't wait to see you when I get home for Christmas.

Have an amazing Thanksgiving with your loved ones.

The End of the Road

Soccer is nearly over.

Today was the last soccer practice of my life.

Tomorrow is the last home soccer game I will play at the collegiate level.

Saturday is the last time my dad will watch me play a competitive soccer game.

It has been a sixteen year road, but I am approaching the end.

I have mixed feelings about it.

I will miss it.

A letter to nobody in particular...

I am kind of struggling right now. I have been here before, different circumstances, but similar feeling of helplessness. A year and a half ago I was in a similar place. One night I sat down at my desk, and between tears wrote a letter to nobody in particular. I ended up sending it to a couple of people who eventually helped me and my frustrations. I don't really know why I feel compelled to put this on here, maybe it will wring true for someone...maybe it will help me to better understand the struggles I have been battling with lately. This was a letter of frustration to nobody in particular:

To whomever,

I am sitting at my computer right now and I am stressed out about WyldLife, I am stressed out about classes, I am stressed out about working at Lowe’s, I am stressed out about my dad coming, I am stressed out about this summer, and I am stressed out about Nikki and my relationship. I have no idea what my next move should be, it feels like I am wandering further and further into a dark labyrinth. I have no idea which way I should even point to run, or which task I should begin to work on. My grades aren’t doing very well, and the person who I talk to about things is hurting too badly to hear anything I have to say about my own worries and struggles.

My dad is coming out next weekend and I found out that he will only be here for 48 hours, which is substantially less than I had originally depended on. This is not to say that I am not excited about his arrival, but I am stressed about the fact that one of the two nights that I have to see him I will be working at Lowe’s. I will be pushing shopping carts and dealing with angry contractors rather than residing in the comfort that comes along with spending time with my father. The comfort that I crave so badly right now, the comfort of home, is thirteen hundred miles away. Home has been correlated with refuge and rest. When I go home I don’t have to worry about classes, I don’t have to worry about tests, work, girlfriends, failed friendships, housing, roommates, soccer, ministry, or anything that has previously brought me joy. I crave the comfort of my basement. I crave the tranquility that the sun brings as it dips below the Rockies. I desire to be secluded, in the middle of nowhere, miles away from any distraction. I crave alone time with just me and my creator, basking in his glory. Free from online quizzes, the sound of the Lowe’s security system going off, free from the heartache that comes with your girlfriend not wanting to be with you but rather be at home.

I feel like I have failed at more things than I can admit too. I failed my roommates, I was unable to reach the level of community and intimacy that I knew was attainable. Every time I get a test back I feel like I have failed myself, and the thousands of dollars my dad has spent on my education. I feel like there were so many potential friendships at the end of last year, and with graduation approaching many of them have ended in nothing. I was hit with the brutal realization that great fellowship takes work, prayer, and above all dedication. One must be dedicated to the point of humbleness, and I think I have failed at that as well. The feeling of failure has caused me to reach a level of numbness. I don’t find joy in loving somebody on my team, like I used to. I don’t find joy in really great worship, or fits of laughter, or a good movie on a Friday night. Joy has become a relative term; it doesn’t mean the same thing it did a year ago. Rather than joy being its own state of being, it has become the absence of another …hurting.

Never in my life have I seen or felt the pain that a person can bear. I have never embraced a person sobbing so hard that they must be carried away in an ambulance, because they just killed their best friend. I have never held the hand of somebody who has just lost one of the people that they love the most. Helplessness has become something that I can finally understand. I have been experiencing the feeling of helplessness that is found only in not being able to help the person that I care about the most. There is something that is unexplainable in loving somebody who is incapable of loving in return. I don’t even know what it is like to have a real sibling, so how am I capable of bringing any comfort to someone who has just lost one? It is simple…I cannot.

I have never experienced what it is like to be slowly or abruptly nudged from the comfortable household that I grew up in. To return home to find one’s bedroom filled with paperwork, to expect the perfect homecoming, but rather find a totaled car in the driveway and an empty house. My dad who I can safely say is someone who knows more about me than anyone else doesn’t have a clue as to my struggles anymore. The comfort in knowing that somebody else is aware of your struggles has become non-existent. In the same way, the comfort that once flowed through the book of Corinthians has simply become letters and words.

My faith has changed from an intricate relationship with the son of man, to a basis for my decision making. A relationship between me and Jesus no longer presides over everything else, but instead what the next crucial decision I have to make will result in. How can you say do not worry about tomorrow, when the things you decide today will directly change tomorrow. Do I end a potentially amazing relationship? Do I drop out of school and do nothing? Should I really tell my dad how I feel about his new lifestyle? Should I go home tomorrow? Do I really need to study for this next test? Every single thing has reproductions that I am not ready to experience. Physical repercussions, emotional repercussions, financial repercussions, and spiritual repercussions are all waiting right around the corner of every decision I make.

The point of this is not to scare whoever reads it, if anybody reads it, but rather for me to finally put into words some of the things that have impacted me the last couple of months. Somebody who I care about deeply just reminded me of the fact that it will be alright. Things will be better. Joy isn’t found in smiles and laughter, clichés and fun experiences. Joy is found in being able to say, while wandering through a maze of shit, that you trust in the one holding you safely in his hands.


Chris

Vulnerability can be incredibility difficult. Right now it seems difficult to be vulnerable with myself. The emotional tapestry that is Chris is hardly recognizable, which brings its own confusion. I hope that I can hold onto the last two sentences of that letter. I have hope.

Unbeknownst to you and me...

I haven't listened to Jonah Werner in a while, but for some reason this poem came to mind so I had to go and find out what the exact lyrics were. I can still hear goofy Jonah singing his heart out in the remote British Columbia woods conveying the gospel of love and grace to high school kids. I miss Malibu...

Unbeknownst to you and me
Beyond the place of tyranny
There lies a love that holds us
In sure and constant watch
I pass the place of future crashing
And far beyond the tongues and lashing
There lies a blaze that's burning
Never to be drenched
When people live in love beyond themselves
Hearts betray this bitter world
There's bound to be a breaking
But I can't sweat for better yet
When all I have is manifest
In who I am, who I was, and what I'm not mistaking
But this is freedom, living and loving hard
When guarantees allude and char
And I can't rest on human souls
Cause they're unpractical and bruising
There has got to be more
There has got to be something deeper out there
And I hope that you look and you find
Because if people are being restored
Where vines and branches sever more
And never have I been so crazy
Kick the doors to free me
To say that I'm alive and I'm thriving still
I've lost my feet, but I won't lose my will
You can hurt but you cannot kill the raging fires
Of a man whose been caught by human lies time after time
Who's been soaked and choked and rung by compromise
Who was once dead, but is now alive.

Power of Compound Interest

“The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest.”
~ Albert Einstein

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, sipping on my favorite Chai, and thinking about the last ten months of my life. Strange at it may be, I decided to write an e-mail to one of my dear friends that I met while in New Zealand. His name is Frank, and I have briefly blogged about him earlier this year, but for some reason I had a hankering to see how he was doing. I had some frustrations on my heart that I new he would be able to relate to, and I wanted to see how he was doing.

We ended up having a great conversation about current struggles, joys and experiences, but what was most meaningful was something that he said at the very end of the conversation. He told me that he has been thinking a lot about the aforementioned Einstein quote and its relational implications. Sure, compound interest is an incredible investment tool, capable of increasing ones wealth at a staggering rate, but what does this mean for my life as a whole?

Frank went on to explain how he has met a bunch of great people over the last couple of years in his worldwide travels, and keeping in touch with all of those people has been incredibly difficult, and at times overwhelming. As many of those who read this know, a large percentage of my closest friends are apart from one another most of the time. God has splattered us all over North America, tossing us into a variety of college, work, marital, and missionary environments. Keeping in touch over the past three years hasn't gotten easier either. Frank and I were discussing the frustrations that come with being apart from those you love and care about. There are so many times throughout the week when I want to call a close friend and see how they are doing, but I always talk myself out of it. I think to myself, "I don't have two hours to talk right now, I should probably wait until I do..." I succeed in rendering myself worthless.

Back to the quote, "The greatest force in the world is compound interest," I began to think about how I could apply this to my friendships. Basically I realized that two and half hour conversations aren't necessary to maintain, or even enhance, a relationship. All that I need to do is invest in that friendship. Simple, twenty minute conversations can yield incredible results. Trusting that God will use that precious time is a necessary component to any relationship, and I haven't been doing a very good job at that lately. I need to remember that God can and will use my meager efforts to do good.

To think that my efforts, are going to be used as a tool by my creator is pretty amazing. Even more, to think that my insufficient attempts will be made sufficient after God has his way with them is both encouraging and empowering. The same force that paints every sunset wants your and my friendship to be amazing. God wants us to experience the love and community he intended, and from my limited experience, he has helped us out when we fall short. That indeed is the greatest force I can think of.

Into the Wild

My roommate Bryan and I went to Portland and saw Into the Wild Friday night. For some reason it is only playing at one theater in all of Oregon . Bryan and I both loved the book, so we had been waiting for this movie to come out to Oregon. Needless to say, we were willing to drive into P-town to check it out.

In case any of you haven't heard about this film, it was based on a book written by Jon Krakauer. Krakauer was a famous mountaineer who retired to writing for Outside Magazine. Into the Wild was published in 1996 and was extremely successful. The book tells the true story of Christopher McCandless, a young college graduate who gave up all worldly possessions to pursue something greater. After leaving his car in the desert, burning all the cash in his pocket and donating over $20,000 to charity he took to the road. For nearly two years McCandless travels all over North America. During this time he met and made impressions on many people, which are the primary focus of both the book and the movie. Eventually McCandless (Alexander Supertramp) made it to the Alaskan Wilderness, where he ended up dying alone. Krakauer draws many parallels between the human desire for adventure and Chris McCandless' wanderings.

I first read the book my sophomore year of college after it was recommended to me by a good friend. I couldn't put it down. The words resonated within me. McCandless' desire for adventure, and the unknown was very relatable. I ended up reading it twice in a row, and quickly thereafter decided that New Zealand was the place to go. I am not going to attribute to much of my decision of going to New Zealand to Into the Wild, but it did fan an already existing flame.

Sean Penn did an amazing job with the direction of this film, it had a very rough and independent feel to it, which beautifully conveyed the feeling I got from reading the book. Emile Hirsch looked very comfortable in his role as Chris McCandless. The movie ends with an actual photograph of Chris McCandless, and Emile Hirsch even looked strikingly similar. Surprisingly, Vince Vaughn played Wayne Westerberg, the eccentric combine owner who Chris lives with for a couple of months, without overdoing it. The wide angle shots continued to impress throughout the entire film. I don't know if it is possible for a book based movie to be better than the book, but if so than this may be one of the few instances. After leaving the theater all I could think about were my travels in New Zealand. I wanted to be back, with the people I love, wandering in a state of excitement and wonder.

I know that very few people actually read this blog, but my hopes in writing this review is to promote this great book and film. Sadly, the themes presented in this film will not be seen by as many people as they should. Hopefully, this beautiful rendition of an already fantastic book will be shown at theaters across the country. If you have a chance go and see it, you won't be dissapointed.

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."

~ Chris McCandless

"If you ain't got no money, take your BROKE ass home..."

I broke my nose today, and it hurts pretty bad. My eyes are beginning to swell up and I can't breath that well. I got hit in the head with an elbow while trying to win a header. During my time laying on the bed putting ice on my face I have thought about a couple of things:

1) It is pretty impressive that I haven't actually broken my nose until now. Think about how many times in soccer you jump as high as you can and try to literally slam your head into the ball, right next to multiple other people, with elbows, and fists trying to do the very same thing.

2) After I broke it I went in to see the doctor in the training room and he actually put a pencil in my mouth, told me to take a breath, and proceeded to pop it back into place as best as he could...twice.

3) I had never ever had a bloody nose until today, no joke. Take that Collin.

4) I wonder how many X-rays a person has to get without that funny lead bib that they always give you before you actually get testicular cancer.

5) Hopefully I will be able to breath better through my nose, after it heals of course. I have always been a mouth breather, maybe this will change things, oh I can only hope.

6) Part of me hopes I get addicted to wearing the nose guard, that way I can have a trade mark...just like Richard Hamilton.

Welp, that's all I got for right now. I will probably post some pictures of my face once all the blood pools in my eye sockets, and it looks as grotesque and possible. I love you all. Keep it real.

Moral Sentiments...

I have been reading a lot of Adam Smith lately. Some, if not most probably don't know who he is, so I will tell you. Adam Smith is regarded as the grandfather of modern economics. He published two main works; the first titled The Theory of Moral Sentiments, which discusses the moral forces that restrain selfishness and bind people together in a workable society. The second, is titled Wealth of Nations, which assumed the existence of a just society and showed how the individual is guided by economic forces. I didn't think I would get much out of a classical economist's writing, but good ol' Adam Smith has proved me wrong. I may post a couple of random quotes from Adam Smith from time to time, and I just wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page. So here you go:

"The disposition to admire, and almost to worship, the rich and the powerful, and to despise, or, at least, to neglect, persons of poor and mean condition, though necessary both to establish and to maintain distinction of ranks and the order of society, is, at the same time, the great and most universal cause of the corruption of our moral sentiments..."

~ Adam Smith
Theory of Moral Sentiments

Confidence. Trust. Community.

I told all of my fellow defenders that I loved them and that I wouldn't want to play defense alongside anybody else. The way the opposing forwards responded was hilarious. First, because they probably thought we were joking around, but continued to make fun of us by calling us gay. Second, because they realized that what we had just told one another was for the most part true. And that seriously decreased their chances for having any chance to score a goal.

Initially we didn't play very well today, I think it was because none of us were very confident. After half time we had our bonding moment on the field, that I mentioned above, and we began to play with a lot more confidence. It is amazing to see how your own level of play is changed when you know that there are ten other guys on the field who have got your back. About twenty minutes into the second half "Little Guy, Travis Isaacs" scored a great goal, and that was it. To the spectators the game probably wasn't that great, but for the four dumb defenders in the back (including myself in that statement) it was a very valuable learning experience. It has been a great season so far, and we are only three games into it. I am excited to see how we perform, but even more excited to see what comes of this year relationally...because so far it has been very rewarding.

As of right now we are 3-0. We just beat the Pomona-Pitzer Gamehens, which I think is one of the worst (but impressively) original mascots I have ever heard of, just behind the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs of course. Aaron, you are one of the most insightful people I have ever met, but I have to say that the majority of the guys on the Pomona team did a very poor job at displaying the intelligence that most have paid a lot of money to acquire. We play again on Sunday, until then we are going to spend a lot of time in our hotel in Tacoma.

I suppose the lesson of the day is that confidence, trust, and community is a pretty powerful combination. With that said, I love you guys, and I got your back.

Flip Flop...

Soccer practice in fifty-four minutes.

We had an amazing weekend on the pitch. We beat a top ten ranked team at home under the lights Friday night. I had never played soccer in front of that many people before, some said that there was over five hundred Linfield fans there. All I know is that my throat went hoarse trying to yell over the awesome chants, and heckling fans.

Time management has become necessary again, for the first time in nearly ten months.

My classes are crazy this semester. I am taking two senior seminar classes, one mathematics based Economics class, and Drugs and Behavior, which is a pharmacology class involving rats...mine happens to be names Archimedes.

I want to keep blogging a priority, but it will be difficult.

I miss a lot of people, and look forward to sporadic conversations over the phone. It will be exciting to see the ways that all of us respond to graduating, moving away from home, marriage, new jobs, etc. We will always be experiencing change in our lives, but it seems like the next twelve months may yield the highest levels of combined change yet.

I have loved spending time in fellowship with the guys from my team, they are all awesome.

I have been reflecting on the summer a lot lately and it scares me to think that it may have been the last "Colorado Summer." I don't know if I will be here in Oregon after I graduate, but I know that I won't be living in my house, with my parents, in Longmont, during the the summer ever again.

Soccer practice in thirty-two minutes, I have to go.

The beginning of the last round

Here I am, sitting at my desk slouching out of tiredness, trying to convey what I am feeling. In about four hours I will be done with daily doubles, for what most likely will be the rest of my life. This year's preseason has proven to be tougher than those in the past, and having a new coach has forced everyone into a new gear. We have been running longer, faster and for more consecutive days than I would ever voluntarily do again.

Preseason is one thing that has always brought a sick feeling to my stomach. It doesn't matter how much or how little I train before hand, I always dread the day preseason starts. I know that it is going to be two weeks of hell. I know that I will have to run the timed two-mile, sub sixties, and manchesters before playing soccer for two hours. In the same way, I know that I will stumble while getting into bed, and struggle to eat anything solid, simply because I am so exhausted. My body has been on the brink of breaking down for a couple of days, but after this afternoon it will have a full 24 hours of rest.

I have always had "next season" to look forward to. If we failed to win the conference championship, then we always had next year. Or, if I failed to build a relationship with someone on the team I always was able to validate it by thinking about next season. Well, the bittersweet reality has begun to set in. There won't be anymore collegiate soccer for me next year. I won't have another season once the final whistle blows to accomplish what I intended. This is the last go at it, the last first game of the season is a week away, and the last daily double practice is coming soon as well.

The truth is, there will be a lot of "last time I (fill in the blank)" for many who read this blog. For some it may be the last time we get to watch funny freshman wander around campus, or for others it may be the last time we take a ridiculously hard class for our major, and others still may be rejoicing in the fact that this could be the last time all of their friends leave the state for college. Either way, I am excited for our last round. I am ready to work my tail off this season. I am stoked to build some solid life long relationships with the guys on my team, and I am ready to learn a lot about econometrics.

Whenever I see something coming to an end, I begin to appreciate it much more. These last couple of days have been met with some sadness over the fact that I won't have another week of daily doubles to complain about, or for that matter dread. I have reflected on the time that I have spent with many of the guys on the team, and to be honest, I wouldn't pick anyone other than the guys I have been blessed with to sweat, bleed and complain about being sore alongside. The guys who I have run next to, recieved passes from, and dogpiled onto for the past three years are the reason I come back. They have and will continue to be the fire that keeps me going day in and day out. I am sad that we are beginning the last leg of our journey together, but at the same I am excited because that is just what it is...the beginning.

Alright, that is all I can muster right now, an ice pack and my bed are both calling. Oh yeah, I have a mohawk too. I figured I should probably make a few memories and start my senior year with a three inch long hawk. I wish you all the best as you begin your last rounds. I hope to hear from many of you very soon.

Geography of Wonder

It is late, and I have to wake up early tomorrow. I am going on a backpacking trip with my dad for a couple of days. We decided to go to Red Deer lake, which is seven miles outside of Camp Dick. I am excited to be back out in the woods, to see the sunset from a high peak, and to stumble over a camp stove while trying to make pasta. Life has and will continue to become more and more complex. With every new day comes more and more things that I must consider: should I be training for soccer? Do I want to do an internship during spring semester? I am poor and need some money to live. What am I going to so with my life post-graduation?

Being in the wilderness allows us to breath. It allows us to simply be. Wilderness doesn't have to be the Rocky Mountains or the Southern Alps, it is different for everyone. Some people find the peace that I receive from the mountains, in yoga, others in running, or maybe the local coffee shop. Either way, I am craving it right now. All I have to worry about is surviving. I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need shelter, and sometime I need to sleep. That is all. Somewhere between the trail head and the given destination, life is boiled down to its simplest form. My father would say, some mental real estate temporarily opens up. I can wonder. I can more easily reflect on what my creator has done for me. For some reason, my heart enters a state of worship and awe that isn't attainable in a sanctuary or meeting hall.

I am a little disappointed that we are only going to be able to be out there for a couple of days, but that it the way life is. I am thankful that I have this opportunity to spend time with my dad like this. We haven't been alone on a backpacking trip for a while, so I am anxious to see how it turns out.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
- Henry David Thoreau